Silence Remains

Hey there, Dime,

I'm stoppin' by for a review on this fine May Review Day.

So what I find interesting is how calm and elegant the title of this poem is compared to how raw the emotion gets at the end. I think that's really authentic, because we can start out describing our problems really matter-of-fact-ly and then before we know it, we remember how we feel about the situation as we describe it and then we're foaming at the mouth because UGH WHY IS LIFE SO STUPID. I've been there a couple of times, ha.

Except, although you have a really authentic emotional path through your poem, the actual material of the poem is rather generic. Other people could have written the same poem, it seems like, because you use a situation that is common to others and words/sentence structures that are used by other people as well. What unique flavor can you bring to this to make it personal? Making a poem personal doesn't mean that people will be unable to relate to it, right? We read novels all the time about characters different from ourselves but still have a great time relating to the character and going on the story's journey. Poetry is the same -- even if the images and moments and specifics are different from things we've personally experienced, we as readers will put ourselves in the narrator's shoes and experience something new! That's the fun of it!

So what specifics can you create around this situation? Specifics can often be brought in through images. For example, when I read the last few lines, I for whatever reason imagine the speaker taking a look in a mirror in his/her bedroom in the dim light. Would it work to actually include that image in the poem? It is an image of self-reflection, which seems to match with the message of the last few lines.

I hope these thoughts and suggestions are helpful to you in some way! If you have questions/comments PM me or reply here.

Thanks for sharing,

Hannah

Hi there, just stopping by to leave some of my thoughts.

This piece does a nice job as far as creating a pretty clear conflict as well as keeping a consistent tone throughout the piece. I think that some of the lines felt a little choppy upon reading though. One way to prevent this, is to try reading it aloud and evaluating the choppiness.

I think that in a few places the repetitious language kind of got in the way of the flow of the poem.

For instance in the first few lines:
"I try, I really do
Even though it doesn't seem like it
I try to talk to you
I see you, standing there and I try to speak
But then everything in my head goes quiet
All the thoughts I had, all the little voices
Everything just stops"

There are a lot of words repeated and some redundancy. The same message could be conveyed in much fewer words:
"I try, even though it may not seem so
I see you, standing and
I try to speak then
everything goes quiet
all the voices stop"

Cutting some of those repeated words, would go a long way in improving the flow of the piece, and cut down on some of the line length as well. I liked some of the metaphors added into this piece like the ones regarding dreams, although a few more pieces of imagery might be a nice addition towards the beginning as well. For instance, expanding on what the person looks like or maybe specific moments they shared together might help readers connect to the conflict and emotions in the piece.

I enjoyed reading and look forward to reading more of your work.
Thanks for sharing and please let me know if you have any questions!

~alliyah

Hi Dime666!!So, I'm gonna do a quick review for your poem.

I really liked the title of your poem because it made me curious which made me want to read it. I have found a terrible terrible mistake in your poem and that is"It’s easy to text because i’m too much of a coward to talk to you".
You should never use such a complete sentence in your poem because then, it doesn't sound like a poem and sounds more like an article or something.
And the other awkward line I found was "I want you so bad, you have no idea". Please try to work on these things to make your poem more beautiful. But It's a good poem. So, keep on writing and keep on practicing because that's what makes you perfect.

Thank you for sharing. Good luck!

I somehow forgot I already reviewed and started a second review... XD

Heyo Dime666 I wanted to say I absolutely love your poem! It was absolutely marvelous!

Hey there! Shey here for a stupidly short review in doing late at night!

I'm really just gonna point out your skill at creating a narrator with a realistic voice. Being able to take words on a page and make them seem like something a living being would say is unbelievably difficult, and so you ability to do so is fabulous.

Minor thing I love to comment on and drive everyone insane is that you should have stanzasto make the poetry better organized. Seems minor, but it actually makes a huge difference. If you can't use the enter key, then put an asterisk or a hyphen on a line in between each stanza. Trust me, it goes a long way.

Keep up the great work, and flourish with that impressive narrator's voice! I look forward to seeing more!
-Shey

Hello!! It's me, WIth3r3dros3.

I just want to say I am absolutely in love with your poem!!
I find it VERY relatable to my life.
One thing I have to say is I love how you described your feelings because that's exactly how I feel at times.

Keep up the amazing work!!

xo. WIth3r3dros3