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World

by CharlesThePhantom


This world

Full of happiness and wonder

It's supposed to be magical

Some parts even beautiful

But it doesn't look like anything to me

This world

It builds me up

Just to tear me down

I'm not alright

Masquerade to hide the pain

This world

Whispers sinful secrets

And with no argument to stay

These soothing voices

Are guiding me to her arms

And no one cares to know

I left me long ago

In this darkness

This hell

This… world


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841 Reviews


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Thu Jul 05, 2018 3:59 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this poem which expresses disappointment with this world. True, this present world offers beauty on one hand and ugliness on the other. Worse yet it doesn't distribute these things equally but tends to favor some people while honing in on others with what appears to be sadistic malice. Such a situation can indeed be perceived as going through a hell for some. Especially if it involves severe physical suffering.

The disappointment comes through convincingly because many of us feel the same way. The world definitely can be very disappointing and outright cruel to some people. So that emotion was conveyed convincingly. However, it would have been a stronger poem if it had gone into specifics. You know, the details about how exactly the world has done the speaker in so that such a negative opinion was reached. Who exactly were involved? How did they abuse and frustrate? Were they family? Is God being blamed? Does it involve being materially poor while being surrounded by riches? Is there a physical congenital deformity involved?

Suggestions

Organizing the poem into stanzas and using punctuation and not capitalizing every letter of the first word of each line would improve the poem.




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7 Reviews


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Wed Jul 04, 2018 3:18 am
youngcamus wrote a review...



Greetings!

Youngcamus here to review your work. Nothing I say is intended to offend and is intended to make you a better writer.

Life is full of ups and downs, you capture this very well in your poem and I respect that. You need more detail in your poem. Explain how the world tears you down, provide examples of the world tearing you down; show don't tell.
Describe the happiness and wonder, provide signs of happiness to help the reader visualize your message.
Describe the sinful secrets, expose the sinful secrets so the reader grasps the gravity of your message.

Not bad, thanks for sharing.




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Sat Jun 30, 2018 10:50 pm
kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. This is Kman134. I'm here to review your work.

I really love how you expressed both the beauty of the world but have also expressed the ugliness of the world. it gives off the existential nihilism that shows that nothing in the world is simple, nor is it black and white. The world can be absurd and unpredictable, especially when you realize that everything bad happening to your life doesn't always have a reason and that stuff happens, or that maybe things happening in your life are based on the past choices and that you are facing the consequences.

"This world

Full of happiness and wonder

It's supposed to be magical

Some parts even beautiful

But it doesn't look like anything to me".

This is the way most people see the world. they tend to have rose-colored glasses and tend to be content and happy in this ideal world of sunshine and rainbows. The way you express the world as being "magical" and "full of happiness and wonder" is how many idealistic and optimistic people are able to simplify the world around them while being ignorant of the darkness as they've never experienced any form of physical or psychological pain in their life.

"This world

Whispers sinful secrets

And with no argument to stay

These soothing voices

Are guiding me to her arms

And no one cares to know

I left me long ago

In this darkness

This hell

This...world"

the ending is my favorite of it all. it expresses the randomness of existence and the grayness and complexities that is life. This is the world many cynics and realists see as their experiences in life peeled away the facade to show the world's real hideous face. Life isn't fair and that nobody will care about your feelings and pain. However, despite all of the darkness and absurdity that humans are bombarded with, there is still some light that guides us to a possible silver lining. while there is hardships, there is also hope.

Anyway, I love your poem and I can't wait to read more from you.




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Wed Jun 27, 2018 9:51 pm
shaniac wrote a review...



Hello, shaniac here to review your poem!

I kind of like the tone you are presenting in this poem. I haven't a lot of poems that are centered around wanting to leave this world or thinking of the negative aspects of how this world treats you. One suggestion that I do have would be kind of compare and contrast the goods and bads of living in this world. You want to have both sides of the story and I think if you were to go with that approach, the reader will have a stronger feeling when they read this.

Another thing I'd like to suggest is to add some color to this poem. What I mean by that is you should add some similes or metaphors or something to make it more vivid and vibrant. You want the reader to feel what the narrator feels when they are speaking. It's kind of like showing instead of telling. One thing I noticed as I was reading also is that you go into the next stanza kind of quickly. Like, when writing poetry, you want to have an even amount of beats or the whole poem just feels off tone, I guess. Basically, you want to have a consistent rhythm. For example, with this line "and with no argument to stay/these soothing voices", I feel like the first part should be split up into 'and with no argument/to stay/these soothing voices'.

These soothing voices

Are guiding me to her arms


As I mentioned before, you want to have consistency. In this case, I think 'are' should go up on the line prior. Also, who is 'her' in this case? Is it the world? Or, is it someone else that the narrator is referring to. I would say hint at what this might mean.

I left me long ago

In this darkness


I like these two lines but they could be stronger. I think in order to that you would need to reword them a bit. Maybe to "I left the past/in the dark/by itself" because that will also close off the poem nicely, too. It reflects that the narrator is moving on from the past to look ahead at the now.

To cap, I do like the poem's idea and how most of the time, the narrator is thinking about leaving the world behind. I suggest working on showing not telling the reader on how the narrator feels, the rhythm in some places could be evened out to make this poem a bit stronger, and the ending could be worked on too in terms that it doesn't feel quite complete and doesn't really connect with the beginning. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!




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Wed Jun 27, 2018 8:06 pm
Lives4Christ24 wrote a review...



Hi CharlesThePhantom, I'm Lives and I am here to review your poem.
I hope that my reviews don't offend anyone,my only intent is to edify and encourage other writers through constructive criticism. Please ignore anything that you seem unhelpful
I really like your poem and can't wait to see more of your work. You use words very well in this poem, and I can tell you spent some time in it. One of my favorite line is this one

Masquerade to hide the pain

It really stuck out at me as I was reading the poem. I like your last line as well
This... world

I do think that you could work on punctuation in those poem. Technically speaking you aren't required to use punctuation in any poem, unless the type of poetry you are writing requires it. I think though, that your poem would flow better and be easier to read if you used punctuation. If you added a couple of periods and commas your poem would flow so much better.
All in all, I think that this is a good poem, that with a little more work could be so much better
Thanks for writing.





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