I have heard about you
But i don't want to go on without you
I want you to know how i truly feel
Being in your presence is surreal
They say you're evil
I say you're a fallen angel
The silence kills me
Your voice chills me
He would hate me
The one who helped create me
I think you're the most beautiful girl
But they say you'll ruin my world
You're not evil you're just a human
My equation´s perfect solution
You're just so flawless
And you're beautiful mind thoughtless
Yes you are even if he disagrees
As wicked as you are you're beautiful to me
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139,877 Literary Works • 672,783 Reviews
Hey Dime666, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:The over all piece feels consistent and sticks to its nature, a bit edgy here and there and overall with this "wicked" looming over it, but still focusing on the relationship just as your main subject is.
Good statement, whether you take it realistically, politically or just as another human, we can all agree with it, and therefore it means that someone can draw something of value from your poem here.
Negatives:
I don't very much enjoy the repetition of using "me" so much. It gets old and drags your piece down a few notches on my scale.
[quote]And you're beautiful mind thoughtless
There are also a lot of points like this where the wording doesn't quite seem to be complete. "Your beautiful mind IS thoughtless?" Not sure exactly what you want me to read, because you haven't quite written it in fully yet.
I give it:
I like this! I'm not great at reviewing poetry so bare with me. First, capitalise your 'I's'... unless they are lower case for a particular reason..?
I think the last sentence should be split.
'As wicked as you are
You are beautiful to me'
Just my opinion.
I'm not a massive fan of the 'You're just so flawless' because... this is about a girl everyone thinks is bad for them, right? And they have just described her as a fallen angel. A 'FALLEN' angel, meaning she must have some flaws? Otherwise why would she have fallen? I know they love her, but they must love her despite what everyone is saying- despite her 'flaws'.
Surely there is some truth to what they are saying? That part just didn't make sense to me and didn't flow with the rest of the poem because I feel like the meaning is that they love this girl no matter what - but something is wrong with her.
Anyway, apart from those points - great piece!
HEELLO Dime,
A poem about falling in love with a girl who everyone thinks is evil. I say follow your heart. If you think differently from the majority, it means you see more than just someone sinister. That takes talent.
Warning: be careful though. Some people are not who they seem, even if you do think they possess some goodness. Never trust your first judgement. Take time to think it through. And when you think you've figured it out, think again.
But above all, trust your instincts. Don't care about what other people say, they will never see the world through your eyes.
Follow your heart,
Night Kaizer
thanks for the advice
Very nice ideas. I see that this is something that has happened, or is happening that has inspired you to create this poem. Someone before me beat me to the punc-h-tuation critique. (Haha get it punch/punctuation) I see that there is over use of the word you/you're/your towards the beginning. Personally I think that if you found words to replace some of the you/you're/your it would improve the flow greatly. Towards the end I found that you got into a bit of a groove and the flow was tremendous compared to the first second (not to say that the first section was bad, just that it could use some touching up.) "As wicked as you are you're beautiful to me" That is very very deep. Thank you for that, it spoke to me on a highly personal level.
I liked the poem and I can see aspects that made this more personal. I would like to give you a little friendly criticism however so here we go!
First I would recommend fixing punctuation. I would add periods and commas to separate complete thoughts as well as just making some parts of your poem flow better. An example is adding a comma to your last verse, "As wicked as you are, you are beautiful to me."
Along with that correction, I thought the use of the word "you're" was a bit overused. "You are" would make several of the lines sound better, in my opinion of course. You could change several words the same way, such as line 12, "you'll" might sound better as "you will".
Understanding the context of the poem the way I do, I am not going to nitpick you on imagery, however that can always be improved. I would like to say, despite I myself liking to rhyme too much, would like to comment that some of your rhymes sound a bit forced. Of course you do not have to change them but it is always important to noticed those things in ones own work. I know someone is not going to like your repetition of the same end words such as "me", and even though I personally don't mind, I will advice that type of use does not look well in typical rhyming poetry.
Breaking up your verses into stanzas may also help with the flow of your poem.
When I was reading your poem, I thought it was a bit random and out of nowhere when you mentioned a "he". There was little said so it would be hard to understand exactly who "he" is. Line ten is the only description of him so I can only imagine you are referring to your father but I can't assume too much with just the one line.
The last thing to say is maybe adding a little more to each verse to make more thought out sentences, I know sometimes it's hard to add to a thought you already have made up but I see a lot more potential with your verses!
I may not be the best critic but I hope this helped.
Have a great day! ^-^
Hi Dime666, acm here for a review!
This was a very interesting poem. I liked the idea of a girl who seems bad but is beautiful to someone else was a good idea. I also liked the rhyming. It was subtle and didn't follow a pattern that I could see, but that fit the poem well.
Now for the review. I had a few things that I would change or work on.
1. I thought that some punctuation was needed. It might be the style of the poem to not punctuate, but in some places, a comma was necessary.
It should be, "You're not evil, you're just human."
In other places, a comma or period would help the flow.
2. Another thing I saw was that parts of the poem weren't consistent with the rest.
This line shows that he is defending her, saying that she is a human who makes mistakes and she isn't actually evil.
This line is saying that she is, in fact, evil or wicked but he accepts her despite that. These two lines contradict each other because one says that she isn't bad, but the other says that she is.
This one may seem nit picky, but I would still like to point it out. In earlier lines, you are saying that 'they', probably family or friends, were warning him about this girl. Then, in the line above, say that 'he' disagreed with the choice to love the girl. That left me wondering who the he was and why his part wasn't explained.
3. Another thing I noticed was that some I's were capitalizes, whereas others were lowercase. It's fine if you want them lowercase, but you should change them all for consistency.
That is all I have for the review. I hope I didn't sound too harsh, because I really like the poem. I can't wait to read more of your writing!
I really like this poem Dime666. It's amazing. You're a great writer! Let me know if you write anything else will ya? I'd love to keep reading your work!
thanks so much!
You're welcome!