Hey Dime666, back again for Review Day,
Positives:I thought it was cool that you have your poem broken up into two parts, as if they were chapters, which I haven't seen very much. Interesting thing to do.
I wish i had the guts to talk to you
But everytime i try, i feel like i've been stabbed in the chest
I wish i had the guts to talk to you
But everytime i try i get this feeling in my stomach and get so stressed
At first glance your reduplication of the first line into the third line seemed wrong, but once I reread it I felt like it actually works well, especially with your "rap-ish" style that you've got going on here.
Negatives:
I wish you didn't have the past you did
So i wouldn't have to hate myself for the way i feel
I wish you didn't have the past you did
So a friendship could stay real
Unfortunately, as you've continued to use this pattern, it rather quickly becomes old and I don't want to read the same thing anymore. It's just overdone. You could use it in the third or fourth stanzas, but anything more than twice in this short piece would be too much, I feel. It's just not very creative or full.
I give it:
Points: 6987
Reviews: 117
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