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To Be a Dragonry Pt 1

by Dibidub


Searing pain bolted through Fael’s body and he convulsed on himself. He opened his mouth to scream but he wasn’t sure if anything came out—the blaring of the agony in his mind overpowered whatever he was trying to say. His eyes snapped open but his sight was blurred by terror and pain—

He came to, breathing deeply. Whatever had afflicted him was gone now, but his whole body was throbbing in such a way that it hurt to move. The beating of his heart was akin to thunder in his ears. Fael attempted to open his eyes, but fatigue made them as heavy as boulders, and he quickly drifted back into the warm darkness, where he hoped to stay.

“…five days! Nearly a week! We…”

Fael lifted his head towards the nagging voice and opened his eyes once more. A short distance away was a flickering orange light, but it was drowned out by pool of blue light coming in from the left. The adolescent could just barely make out a mobile, upright blob in the shape of a humanoid. The blob was waving its dark arms about as it ranted, a male voice fading in and out of existence.

“C’mon, we must leave! I can’t…too risky…. So! Get up!”

Fael spoke. A strangled, bugling sound mixed with chest-deep rumbles burst forth from his mouth and he reeled. His eyesight cleared and he swung his head wildly around.

A cave. A few meters away was a makeshift living area: a sleeping bag, books and pens and pencils, and even a pot of still-steaming stew. By the sleeping bag lay a feline mount, a beast Fael recognized as a barrah. Its bluish head was held high, ears pinned, as it stared at the adolescent before it. The barrah even scowled at him, revealing a pair of long fangs.

Behind Fael was—a purple dragon? No scales covered the body; instead, there was indigo fur. The dragon’s tail was tufted with violet feathers, and the wings consisted of feathers of the same color. Torn bits of clothing littered the beast, clothing that was oddly similar to the outfit he was wearing before he suddenly blacked out a while earlier. Fael’s eyes ran up the beast’s body until…

The body was his.

Fael screamed again and the same sound burst forth from his throat, broken and hoarse. The teen’s wings—wings!—battered the air, releasing great gusts of wind that sent parchments, papers, and articles of clothing flying around the cave chamber. Even the barrah had to lower its head to protect its eyes from the sudden wind, but it roared in response.

“Hey now!” snapped the male voice, and the blob hurried to catch the flying items. The man began to spout commands but Fael would have none of it.

What’s happened to me? What did you do? Where am I?

It was as if continuous stream of water, uncomfortably warm, was being doused over his mind. Sit! The voice held such authority that Fael dropped to his hands—paws?—and crouched, pulling his wings and tail close to his body. Fael lowered his head and stared at the man, fully seeing him, as the warmth faded away to nothing.

His back was turned, but saw that the man was of average height. Thin clothing obscured his musculature, but whenever the man reached out Fael noticed the hills of muscle that flexed as his arms moved. The man turned around, leveling the…dragon…with a stern, strikingly green glare. “Listen now, young dragonry. It’s good that you got a handle on your new body, but I’m afraid that none of us can stay here long. The Farris Art School or whatever it’s called is on high alert. They know you’re gone.”

The barrah snarled and prowled close to the man, baring its side to the dragonry. The man reached out with a medium-toned hand and stroked the barrah’s head. “Easy now, girl.”

Fael sat up and curled his lips, showing off teeth that he hoped looked dangerous. What have you done to me? Turn me back!

“I can’t do that! I needed whomever I could get, and you just happened to be at the right place at the wrong time! Well, for you. Right place, right time for me.” The man placed a hand on his heart, smiling. “Now, I made some stew for you.”

He pinned his ears. I don’t want it! What if you’ve poisoned it?

The man skirted the barrah and sauntered over to the pot. “Like I’d do such a horrendous thing! Personally I prefer betrayal, but you needn’t worry.” He was careful to keep the pot level as he walked over to Fael and placed the soup before him. “Here. The spell makes you ravenous, but this is all we have.”

A broth filled with meat, vegetables, and spices sloshed around within the pot. It smelled wonderful, lingering within his nostrils and making his mouth water. His stomach felt so empty, his limbs weak… No! Fael shook his head. You’re trying to get on my good side, aren’t you?

“You need to eat, dragonry.” The man was packing his items. Protecting him was the barrah, tail lashing and head low. “By the way, the barrah is Arona. Say hello, dearest.”

Arona hissed.

Green Eyes didn’t bother to turn around as he rolled his sleeping bag. “I think she likes you. Hurry up and eat. As soon as you’re done, we leave.”


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65 Reviews


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Thu Oct 27, 2016 10:02 am
occymay wrote a review...



Hello,

I really enjoyed this piece, I adore dragons and this has a fresh concept that I'd really like to read more of.

Positives-

You stole my heart when you mentioned the barrah. I love cats in stories. I feel you really capture the essence of what a cat is, especially here '“By the way, the barrah is Arona. Say hello, dearest.”

Arona hissed.' It made me chuckle :D I also loved the personality of the man, he was very funny and I can tell I'll be laughing when I read more of this. It was also very well written, sentences were varied and it seemed to me pretty much grammatically correct.

Improvements-

Now this part I'm going to find difficult because it was so good. So firstly I was kind of confused when and where this is set because dragons make me think of old and then they were in a cave which continued that thought. However, I swear at one point you mentioned a mobile, like phone possibly?
Also when you began to describe the dragon, I thought it was an entirely different thing that was a lot further behind the character than it actually would have been. Maybe describe how close the dragon is to the character would help with that.

Overall I really like this chapter and will definitely be continuing with this when I get the chance. Keep on writing :)




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Tue Sep 13, 2016 2:44 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello Dibidub, and welcome to YWS!
Snazzy here for a review! :D

Searing pain bolted through Fael’s body and he convulsed on himself.


Convulsed means "to suffer violent involuntary contraction of the muscles", so I think the last "on himself" makes it confusing. He suffered contractions on himself doesn't make sense to me. Although you give a vivid image - I like it, I would just reword it. (Maybe Fael convulsed, searing pain bolting through his body.)

He opened his mouth to scream but he wasn’t sure if anything came out—the blaring of the agony in his mind overpowered whatever he was trying to say.


I understand what you're trying to get at here - the pain he was feeling overpowered his sense of hearing - but the way you wrote it was a little confusing to me. "Blaring" often refers to sound, and I wouldn't really associate agony or pain with sound, but rather to feeling and emotion. I can't think of anything to replace "blaring of the agony" with though, it just didn't seem right while I was reading it.

Alright - the first two paragraphs are nice, but I'm having trouble understanding when you said "he came to". When I hear that (or read it), I think that someone was just waking up, when in the previous paragraph, you said that he had opened his eyes - although his vision was blurred by pain. If this was a dream, I would make a finer line between the two, as to not confuse the reader (although, then again, it may just be me).

Really, that's all I found! The beginning (about the first 2-4 paragraphs) was a bit confusing, however, the ending was very enjoyable! Just clear up the section about whether he was dreaming, or whatever was going on in the beginning, and this is all good! I absolutely love the man's character - you developed him nicely through the dialogue!

Anyway, good job with this! Keep writing!

~Snazzy
Happy RevMo!




Dibidub says...


Thanks for the review and for reading my story!



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Tue Sep 13, 2016 3:40 am
mellifera wrote a review...



This is honestly something I already really enjoy. It's very capturing and fairly clear on what is happening to the protagonist/Fael.
But there are a few things that could be different, in my opinion :) here we go

First off, there are a few things that are obviously meant to be more vague in the start, but without anything more to back it, I'm confused about what a Barrah is, and I'm going to assume a Dragonry is a type of dragon, but it's not explained farther than

The man turned around, leveling the…dragon…with a stern, strikingly green glare.


Will it be explained in a later part? Or was this going to be changed to explain these two?

“C’mon, we must leave! I can’t…too risky…. So! Get up!”

Fael spoke. A strangled, bugling sound mixed with chest-deep rumbles burst forth from his mouth and he reeled. His eyesight cleared and he swung his head wildly around.


Is Fael speaking, or the man? If the man is speaking, then what did Fael say? If it was Fael speaking, then what is he talking about, if he just woke up?

Speaking of... well, speaking, how is Fael talking? I got that everything italicized is Fael, but how is he communicating this to the man? Was the uncomfortable stream of water in his mind some sort of telepathy? This just needs to be a little more explained how he's communicating.

The man skirted the barrah and sauntered over to the pot. “Like I’d do such a horrendous thing! Personally I prefer betrayal, but you needn’t worry.”


Now, perhaps this is just me, but I'm a bit confused by the word choice here. Fael implies that this man man have poisoned the stew (hence, betraying him) and he tells him he wouldn't do that, but then contradicts it by saying he will and that he shouldn't worry about it? Again, maybe I'm just reading it wrong. If I am right however, then perhaps instead of saying that he won't do such a horrendous thing, it's more along the lines of he needs Fael for something? He sounded urgent when he said;

“I can’t do that! I needed whomever I could get, and you just happened to be at the right place at the wrong time! Well, for you. Right place, right time for me.”



Other than that, as I said, it's a really interesting read and I followed fairly easily (except for misunderstanding that characters/creatures and what I've already mentioned). The grammar seems pretty good and punctuation is consistent, although I am no professor so don't quote me ;)

I look forward to seeing more, I hope I haven't offended you and good luck with your writing adventures!

-inky :)




Dibidub says...


You haven't offended me at all, and thanks for replying!
In this story, a dragonry is a dragon-like creature but not a true dragon. They were created by the dragons themselves in a time of need. As the story progresses, I'll go deeper into the history. Also, a barrah is a tall, tiger-like creature (which I honestly should've pointed out in the story).

As for the dialogue, the man, Green Eyes, is urging Fael to get up, and the hoarse scream is Fael trying to speak. There Fael learns very quickly that dragonries cannot physically talk and must communicate through telepathy. Yes, the uncomfortable water sensation was Green Eyes's mind entering Fael's. I'll go more in depth with that later in the story.

When Fael questions whether the brew is poisoned, and the man responds that he prefers betrayal, I intended for that statement to be a little joke meant to unsettle Fael (maybe I went about it in a confusing way, sorry!) Green Eyes would never harm Fael in any way (his job is to get Fael to their destination safely).

Green Eyes sounded urgent because he serves underneath a cruel mastermind who does not tolerate failure.

Again, thank you for reading!



mellifera says...


Of course!
Okay I gotcha, I just wasn't completely sure about it and I wanted to make sure I wasn't misinterpreting it. The backstory sounds very interesting! I'll stay posted to see how you write it out ;) I do like how there's different animals that differ from just normal dragons/tigers. I enjoy creativity like that very much!

The telepathy part was the only part that I was really having trouble running through, but it makes more sense now that you've explained it.

And the last part was just my (other) misinterpretation. I was just trying to work that out as a statement in itself and I guess I just didn't really read it the way you probably wrote it. It does make sense, and I did kind of get the idea that Green Eyes wasn't actually planning to hurt him by the way he was wording things before.

Other than that, this is something I look forward to seeing more of!
Also I'm new at this whole 'critique others work thing' (if you couldn't tell by my little avatar thing I joined yesterday) so I'm still ironing out how to help others by pointing out things. I'm far better critiquing movies, but I'm getting into the sway of things.

Anytime! Thank you for writing :)




You are strong enough to conquer this day and the rest of your life.
— Tuckster