Young Writers Society

Hey there, Dibidub! I really enjoyed reading this. The language you use is simple (no massive words) but really descriptive. Your amazing imagery helped me imagine each scene vividly in my mind's eye, and it was overall a well-polished chapter/part. I thought I'd highlight a couple of sentences which stood out to me as particularly well written: The meat was tender to the point of practically melting on his tongue and the vegetables were cooked to perfection. It's a minor detail, but I genuinely believed he was enjoying that food. That’s the name of your previous body. You have a new body, and thus you need a new name. This bit of speech was magical and informative. And I should say that your dialogue overall was very good. However, there were some areas where having Fael's speech in italic made it seem a little choppy. Is it not possible to just use speech marks instead of italics? It's up to you, of course. Thanks for sharing this!

Hello, Dibidub! As a purveyor of multitudes of fantasy stories (and a writer of one), I thought it would be appropriate that I review one. And I'm impressed! As a chapter, this is a strong and emotional piece. The main character is clearly not having a good time, and the way you portray him as he grapples with the fact that he is being pulled away from everything and everyone he knew is brilliant. Fael is a fascinating character, due to his unique situation, and perhaps his upbringing as well. Here is where I must apologize, as I have not yet read the preceding chapter. However, it seems here that he is most certainly not human - indeed, his fear of being killed in the opening descriptions and his thinking of himself as a dragon-like beast gives me that general impression. Evidently, Zono's boss is not a normal man with normal interests either if he asks someone under his control to capture somebody like Fael, which leaves me incredibly curious as to that man's intentions and goals. Regardless, the dragonry seems like a complex character stricken with a horrific decision, in spite of the fact that his captor is assuring him that where they are heading is safe (and, while Zono has come across as nice and respectful, it's hard to trust the man who has kidnapped you and is about to take you from your entire life). This is conveyed through his array of thoughts and sensations as he grapples with the fact itself, and is both extensive and impressive quality-wise, as you are able to vividly describe each of his questions and dismay, particularly as he now even has to change his identity. Thus, when it comes to the character and emotional development of this story, I'm impressed.

On the other hand, there are a couple things I'd like to note. In particular, when one uses italics, they usually use it to implicate that somebody is thinking something. That's what I do, at least. When two characters are talking, their words are explicitly defined by their speaker tags (he said, she said, they said, so on...). Now, in this case, I don't know if Fael is telepathic, and is thus thinking those thoughts, which Green Eyes can understand, or if this is some kind of an attempt to distinguish Fael's speech. In the case of the latter, drop it. It's unhelpful, a little distracting, and not an appropriate use of italics. Beyond that, I'm a little surprised to see Fael has never had broth before, as it is fairly simply to make and common, although that is justified by the fact that he seems to marginally prefer to eat plants (and came from a botanical garden). Actually, in that case, wouldn't he be a little repulsed by the idea of eating meat? That just doesn't seem to make a lot of sense.

Regardless, all in all, I liked this story! Great job! The emotional and character development was fantastic, on top of the complex plot. It was well-written, flowed smoothly, and showed a great amount of skill with using English spelling and grammar conventions to their fullest impact. I enjoyed reading this from start to finish, and I found this to be a good fantasy piece. Best of luck as you write your next chapters, and thank you for presenting this one!