Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
I unwillingly come into consciousness and am immediately flooded with unrelenting exhaustion. The blankets do nothing to shield me from the thoughts that race in like a rush of water through a broken dam. I didn't want this to happen. I am tired because I put off going to bed the night before, because I was met with fear of waking up the next day as I am now. There is so much to do and am crushed with I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this
And an hour later I awake again. I do not remember falling back asleep and I did not choose to but now I am very late. All I know now are missed opportunities. Disappointment.
You did it again, I can't believe this happened again you're a failure you suck you deserve to die
I know I don't have time for a shower, but even if I had, it's too hard today. I couldn't handle it today. I put on the clothes that most resemble clean because laundry has been too hard as well. I tell myself that my teeth are okay as they are because picking up a goddamn toothbrush is somehow too fucking hard.
You're disgusting you're so gross no wonder everyone hates you
I walk through the house and passively berate myself for not cleaning up the messes that I have made because making them is easy but fixing them is too hard too hard can't do it right now
Walking outside, forcing my chin up because my first instinct is to hide, I am lower than every person I pass by, I can't look them in the eye because they are better than me somehow.
I think of all the lies that I have told in the past few days, the ones that seem harmless but are slowly ripping me apart.
"I'm fine" [I have not known happiness recently]
"I just ate" [I don't want to eat]
"I love you too" [I feel nothing]
"I'll get it done" [I am consumed by apathy]
Despite the logic of
why would I want this
and
I am miserable this way,
every wrong that has come about leads to
It's all your fault you did this to yourself you're worthless you're taking advantage of everyone around you you're a failure
That night, I put off going to sleep because I am met with fear of waking up the next day.
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hello! SecreteJournalist here for a review. And though I kind of introduced myself, feel free to call me Brie if you please! If you don't mind, I'm going to split the review into two parts:
First up,
Nitpicks:
Let me note that it's hard to nitpick a persons thoughts and memories, so I'm going to strictly review any grammatical mistakes, spelling errors, and punctuation.
The repetition of because in this sentence seems to dampen flow. Maybe change one of the 'because' into a different word?
Instead of trying to word this into a long and extensive sentence, I'm just going to put the changes/add ins I feel should be made to this sentence in bold.
I feel like saying you know these things may be true, but it doesn't make sense in the context of the paragraph. Maybe reword this sentence to something like (and this is just a random example/suggestion I thought of); The pain of missing all these opportunities has already dulled into disappointment.
Since this is an example of thought, I can understand the lack of commas here. But maybe add a period at the end of the thought?
Again with this sentence, maybe add a period?
I feel the jump from sentence to thought is a little confusing here. Maybe end the sentence with just 'too hard' and then keep the thought phrase to it's own 'paragraph' and line (and add a period to the end of the thought, too)?
I'm just gonna but my suggestions/changes/add-ins in bold here.
Here, I'd suggest adding a period at the end of each phrase.
This is confusing to me when it's broken up into a stanza of sorts, so maybe but this part into a sentence and then break up the rest of your sentence like you have been?
Add a period to the end of this thought. And though I didn't bother to quote it, add a semicolon after 'to' in the line before this.
This isn't a nitpick, but I thought I should mention; I found this line to be super powerful. And it repeats a line from earlier, making this entire thing a hauntingly beautiful paradox full of raw emotion.
Onto part two of the review (I promise it'll be a lot shorter!);
Commentary;
Writing down thoughts, emotions, and memory is a good way to get it off your mind. I do it often, and it's always been rather effective. As I read this, and reviewed it, I found myself relating to it a lot. The raw emotion really did get to me, and I felt it as this was my own thoughts. It was very effective (wow, I say the word effective a lot) in that way. You did a tremendous job in word choice and how you chose to portray the thoughts in a way that could leave a reader to almost see them racing around your mind. And I know I'm just a stranger on some website, but if you need someone to rant to, feel free to message me. Because I know how if feels to have so much on your mind but still fear saying it out loud.
I hope this review helps!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Never in my life would I have thought I'd be able to agree to this feeling but here I am agreeing. Feeling like this everyday now. There's times when I'm not even sure I can keep going but I force myself through it. It's like I'm tired of feeling blank. Tired of telling people I'm okay when I'm not, I don't even know what I am. There's not even an exact feeling. I just feel here.
I'm really glad that I actually decided to read this because I almost didn't. But it sparked something inside myself to actually pick up a pencil and wrote. I've been avoiding my thoughts lately and in some way your piece helped me, if that's not weird to say.
I hope you keep writing, because it was very well written. You could feel what you're feeling just by your words.
normally I would write a review, but...
I don't think I can on this one.
I want to say that I know exactly what this feels like,
but when I write down my feelings in a situation like this-
I don't particularly like people telling me how much they "can relate"
because it always feels like only YOU could possibly feel this way.
I somehow managed to enjoy that piece.
I say that knowing full well that one person's joy often comes from another person's pain.
Keep Writing.
I'll keep reading, if you do.
-DarkDewDrops