Amy sat under the willow tree, its dying leaves whispering in the chilling breeze. Her silver bracelet caught the light of the descending sun every few moments, glaring and disrupting her thoughts. Its charms, the paint on which was wearing off due to months of use, clanked together whenever she so much as lifted her hand; the bracelet never seemed to be able to escape her attention.
The willow tree rested on top of the hill in Amy's backyard. It was slouched over in a rather peculiar manner, as if decades of storms had gradually pushed it until the tips of the sagging branches swept the ground. It formed a sort of tent around the frontwards-facing portion of the tree, so Amy had made a habit of crawling inside and closing herself off from the rest of the world.
Amy sat up and brushed her thick hair out of her face-clink clink. For the thousandth time, she remembered when her mother had given her the bracelet in that little black jewelry box with a tiny red ribbon tied around it. "To remember to aspire to your greatest," she had said. Minutes before, Amy had been awarded second place in a gymnastics competition. She had lost to a girl one year younger than her-the girl's face was covered in the largest grin Amy had ever seen, while Amy's was covered in hot tears that she made no effort to hide. She had gotten her picture taken then, holding up that bracelet and her stupid second-place medal while Amy's mother tried to look proud of her daughter.
Two months later, Amy's math grade slipped and she ended the semester with a single B. She saw through her mother's smile immediately as Amy handed her report card over with a trembling hand. The charms on her bracelet shaking together were like bells ringing out in the following silence.
Amy thought of her filled backpack that was now sitting on the floor of her bedroom, ready to return to school when it began next week. It had been equipped with numerous items that she would probably never use, but her mother had always ensured that she was fully prepared.
"Just remember," her mother said as they returned home from supply shopping that afternoon, "Whenever those little charms jingle, you can think of me and remember to try your very best." Amy's mother reached forward and jostled them with her finger, her scarlet manicured nail grazing Amy's skin.
Amy didn't realize how much this infuriated her until she was sitting cross-legged under the tree with the silver bracelet clinking every time her hands formed tense fists. In a sudden burst of anger, Amy undid the clasp of her charm bracelet and flung it as high as she could above her. It hooked around a scraggly branch just near the top of the tree. She threw back the curtain of leaves and went in the house.
The sun was just setting outside when Amy left the willow tree. As the last light began to fade from the sky, a strangely cold breeze ripped suddenly through the tree. The topmost branch waved back and forth, carrying the bracelet and its charms with it.
Clink clink.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey Devan! Mia here, and I'd be reviewing you.
The part I've highlighted has some structural problem, and I hope you'll be able to figure it out yourself. Just to give a hint-the way you've used 'was' is not right.Look, I get what you mean by dying but I don't really like it being used in this fashion. Try to use some other word which sounds right, or you could maybe write 'withering.
I love this description.
Since this was a mini story, I'll keep my review mini, too. Actually there's nothing much I'd like to say. Whatever I read was nice, but I somehow feel that the content was a bit weird. I mean, it seemed some kind of a memoir. Are you sure it was a story? It feels like you just had an emotion to describe when you wrote this. But that doesn't really matter since your writing was good. The imagery you had was quite impressive.
What I felt though was no emotion. I didn't really feel along with the character. It might be my problem, but the story didn't really touch a cord with me.
But you need not worry about that since you can't please everyone. Otherwise, I'd again say your writing was nice and I'd love to read more from you. Let me know if I could help you in any way.
Keep Writing,
Mia
So for practically the first time ever I noticed that the setting helps your characterization. It's cool out, for one, and that reflects your character's feelings. Also she's under a weeping willow which, though perhaps an obvious correlation, reflects your character's mood.
I've not really noticed that much in stories because I tend to skip over description (ahem) but someone mentioned it and I noticed you had it. Yay.
About all I could find wrong with it was that the passage of time is very skewed. Not a lot happens in the present, most of it happens in the past to explain what she's thinking. As a result, the present seems a little neglected.
There's also no real character commentary in this, so I was slightly surprised when it said she was angry. I spent a lot of the first read-through wondering why your character is such a sore loser, then I realized at some point near the end that her mom was.
This could just be me. I'm not very observant.
So after reading through again and getting it, I thought it was pretty good. It flows conversationally, as most of your stories tend to.
Sometimes writers simply write. That is to say, they follow the rules, they don't stretch themselves too much. They avoid cliches, melodrama, hyperbole, sentimentality. They find a balance between showing and telling. They find a story, a character a narrative. But, with all this considered, simply writing isn't enough. There needs to be something deeper that resounds with the reader or the writing itself aint worth a damn. And, to some extent, you have this. There is a subtle play upon the affected tiger mom, pressure, expectations and the prodigious load of the only child. But it's all too blunt and forced, rather than induced and you waste so much of my time over extraneous details. I'll explain, I'll also highlight areas that are weak, cliche or distracting.
It's bed time for me, I'm afraid. Thanks for a decent read. Just take care with word choice and be a much more brutal editor. With work this short you can't waste time with unimportant details. Like I said there is something there, though its not particularly insightful, but the them carries the story and if you can refine it, it will be good.
JP
Hi there Devan! 'Tis Lavvie for a quick review.
This was kind of interesting. I didn't really know where you were going with anything until the very, very end. But I still liked that. You led on well and it was definitely intriguing, this relationship between Amy and her mother. I thought you did well in aptly describing realistic emotions of frustration, anger, exasperation, confusion and the conflicting emotions of love and dislike. Nevertheless....
I really noticed you didn't do much in the way of transitioning from paragraph to paragraph. This did cause problems and will in future if it's not a problem righted immediately. Transitions are extremely important in creative writing as well as non-fiction and academic writings mainly because it's one of the basic stepping stones to encourage a piece of literature possessing a decent and appropriate flow. Without transitions, the fluidity is completely ruined. I was annoyed that you didn't include the transition words because then the short story would have been so much better than it already is on the first read.
Secondly - but definitely the more minor of the two issues - is the fact that, yes, you do describe, but there's isn't much physical anything going on. Don't be afraid to at least describe a little more of where Amy is. The physical setting does have an effect upon how the readers interpret your character(s). In this case, know little of Amy and I don't expect myself to know everything about her but, because of this, here's your chance to express her personality through a well-thought out physical setting. If she's melancholy, maybe the sky is sort of gray and a spring breeze has picked up. I don't know; that's just an idea.
If you have any questions about this review, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.
Yours,
Lavvie
Helloooo Devan! Dogs here with your review today! I really loved this! I really really really loved this! It has a great message behind it and it was beautifully written. I think this should go out to all the over- achievers in the world with over-bearing parents lol. Thank god I don't have overbearing parents. yayy! Anywho!!!
This story was so beautifully written and had rhythm like silk. It was almost like this story kinda had a poetry style rhythm to it which I really like. My favorite part is definitely the fact that you layer Amy as a character wonderfully. Amy was a little at war with herself and her mother. Amy is an "over-achiever" really more so because she thinks her parents are pressuring her to do better and not just do her best. I love how Amy keeps on getting down on herself when she isn't doing her absolute best and how she thinks her mom is going to be mad at her and how she can "see through her smile" That is excellent.
My favorite part is definitely the ending. Such a fantastic way to close it out. I really really enjoyed this. Actually the first short story i have "liked" in my time in YWS. So congrats to you Keep up the good work!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hi, I normally don't review short stories, but I'll give it a try. First, there are spelling errors, I'm not going to quote them because I'm lazy so just copy and paste this into a word document or look through the whole thing yourself. I like the imagery used throughout the story, it really makes you feel as though you're watching the whole story unfold in front of you. I find the subtle way the beginning flows into the body and the main issue very enjoyable. I also like how you don't say anything outright, but that the issue is told through the actions instead of the words. All these attributes, along with how the story ends with onomatopoeia, make this story well crafted and an enjoyable read.