E - Everyone

Pretzel Bites Ending

by Dest

Pretzel Bites (Ending)

Arii adjusted the music a bit louder.

That day she should have thrown her pretzel at his stupid face! But unlike Damelo, she knew her actions had consequences. Not to mention she was glad she hadn’t because Dad hadn’t cooked dinner that day.

Instead, she had walked away in complete silence. Damelo looked like an entire pound of fluffy, sad puppies drenched in maple syrup. Overdoing it for sympathy.

Maybe… Did he like her or something? As giddy as the thought should have made her, it was beaten to a pulp by her indignation. How dare he? What about what she wanted?

Arii was completely fine being a casual dancer. She didn’t want a career in dance like him. The spotlight wasn’t for her anyway. She had never tried out for the solo dance auditions. Dancing in a group was best for her. No beady eyes would be targeted on her in praise or scrutiny if she made a misstep. Sure, she had to remember her moves, but so did everyone else. The unity put her at peace.

Even groups of two were fine for her. But she couldn’t fly under the radar with Damelo, this generation’s best dancer. He was a Beethoven, and she was just the jingle maker for a commercial. Two different leagues and she was completely fine with that. She just wanted to have fun and play a part in the Harvest Festival. Maybe make her dad cheer in paternal pride at his daughter and give her granny something to film. But no.

Not only had Damelo robbed someone worthy of his dance skill the opportunity, but he had also bribed the coordinators. She remembered Damelo came from a wealthy family. He was humble, generous, and rich a well-liked combo. And a briber too.

Arii repositioned her earphones. She wanted them deep in the innermost parts of her ear, to drown out the anger and fear.

Damelo’s asinine bribe had even caused friction with the other dancers. Reggie, his best friend and jazz dancer, was bummed that he wasn’t considered. Jonni, the pale, red-headed girl, gave her an understandable cold shoulder. It was supposed to be a big deal to be paired with the number one dancer. Arii felt like she cheapened the dance, being his partner.

She hadn’t even wanted this.

-----

The night of the Harvest Festival had been wordless and tense. Arii could barely speak to Damelo without feeling upset. She changed into her dance clothes slowly and took her time. When she was ready, Damelo and she had the room to themselves.

They stretched their legs spread across the bamboo floor of the backstage room. His body was cloaked in an orange, puffy shirt with billowing sleeves and brown tights and fairy wings. Her outfit was an orange leotard and tutu and pink wings but with no tights; Her legs were already brown.

Silence sashayed out as Damelo cleared his throat. Even while stretching, he had looked miserable.

“I’m sorry, Arii. I was just thinking I wanted to spend time with you and get to know you. We really only see each other at dance class, and we’ve only been paired twice in four years! I thought I could give you a chance at the spotlight.”

“Then ask me! I would’ve told you no!” The volume of her yell surprised even her. Arii had forgotten how loud she could get with her mousy voice.

He winced.

She hadn’t meant to scream at him, but what she said was still valid.

“I wish you would have suggested it to me. I would’ve said no, but I definitely would have been aware you wanted to be friends. We could have hung out at the library.”

“Friends?” His cheeks went the faintest red the tanned skin would allow. “Well, I actually wanted to be more than that.”

Arii felt her heart race for a moment.

“Jeez, we’re only twelve, Damelo,” Arii squeaked in embarrassment, her eyes widening. Suddenly, she became hyper-focused on her stretches.

Damelo inched closer to her.

“What’s wrong with us being twelve? My brother had a relationship in kindergarten. No big deal. Most twelve-year-olds are—”

“I get it. I get it. Damelo,” she stopped him quickly, “I… I’m just not interested in that now. I mean if you wanna watch a movie, hang out at the library, or dance for fun and not performance, then that’s fine.”

“That’s fine with me, Arii.”

She nodded her head, happy that discussion is dissipating.

“Could we kiss sometime though? It doesn’t have to be anytime soon just in this lifetime,” he laughed. “Even then, I think it’s okay. Gives me something to wait for besides death.”

Arii laughed with him. 

“That got morbid really fast.”

“It did, huh?” He drew up to his full height, a dancing giraffe with midnight black hair. Damelo would be the handsome, morally-gray action hero in a book. She could recommend him a good one when he learned his lesson about boundaries. He would read graphic novels, and she would read fantasy books about dragons while they held hands under the table and got scolded by librarians for too much noise.

Her voice was very soft. “I would like that as long as you don’t mind... I’ve never kissed anyone.” She looked at his face for any sign of mockery. If she heard so much as a snicker, she would withdraw that statement faster than it took to blink.

“Fine with me.” He smiled shyly. “So, no tongue then?”

“DAMELO!”

“Just kidding.” He placed his hand behind his head.

----

The last-minute solo dance had been the compromise.

Damelo performed by himself. Rightfully so, the story he could dance with 206 bones was horrifyingly beautiful. If dance was a paintbrush, then he had written his name in cursive across the stage. Of course, his dance ended in standing ovation and applause. Arii certainly clapped for him.

On the other hand, Arii fumbled and bumbled through her dance. She had been squeezed into Desha and Nesha’s duet dance, making an awkward trio. For one reason, she was tall as a tree to their marshmallow-sized heights. Still, they got through it. The crowd laughed at her missteps and ill-timed twirls, thinking it a comedic dance. She had fun and that was what mattered.

When the dance portion of the show had ended, the little kids were given lanterns for the Harvest scavenger hunt. Couples held hands and shared scarves, and food vendors racked up buckets of money from hungry attendees.

The pretzel food truck already had a long line, but Arii squeezed herself into it. From behind her, faint footsteeps became a bit louder.

She knew it was his light footsteps, and his hair seemed to bleed into the night sky.

“Do I have permission to buy you a pretzel?”

Arii smiled at him. “Yes, I want the one with the hotdog.”

Damelo waggled his eyebrows. “That’s the most expensive item on the board.”

“I know. That’s why you’re buying.”

He shook his head amused. Once again, the line bent to the whim of their lovely dancing prince. He paid ahead of time, even though they had to wait for the dough to rise. The flurry of customers hadn’t left the food truck much time to make some in reserve.

“You were great tonight, Arii.”

“Thank you, Damelo. You were amazing,” she said, and she meant it. Every word.

“Again, I just want to say I’m sorry. It wasn’t right for me to bribe and make a decision that involved someone else without hearing their feelings.”

This would’ve been the point some people would say “it’s okay,” even though his past actions weren't. Instead, Arii just smiled.

“Damelo.”

“Yeah?”

“You’ve already been in line, haven’t you?”

“Why do you think that?”

“You’ve got pretzel sugar all over your hands.”

“True.”

He grabbed his chin into his hand, leaving sugar.

“Can I wipe my hands on your tutu?”

“Of course not!”

“Ha! Just asking ahead of time.”

Arii touched her head. Damelo was learning. Slowly. At least, he was making an effort not to take over, assume, or do whatever he wanted.

She might be willing to guide him. If he kept the doughy peace offerings coming.

END

Comments & reviews · 2
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Hi Shikora here with another review.

What I like

I liked the time gape between the too parts. As i was reading this i could see that it was well thought out. I also liked the why you ended this story it was very interesting.

The plot

I'll have to say that this story didn't end as i thought. you changing the plot from the last chapter was a really good idea. Before i read this part of the story i thought that Arii would change her mind and dance with Damelo.

Mistakes

Just like the last part of this story i think it could do with a little more description. That is the only thing i can really tell you that needs fixing. When writing you need to think about a few things that will make it a lot better. They are smell, feel and sound. There area a few others but those are the main ones.

I really enjoyed reading this story. I look forward to reading more of your works. I hope you have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora

User avatar
Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review · Sun Sep 23, 2018 1:31 pm

Hiya again, Dest! Back again to review the second part.

Even though it did turn out that Damelo had a crush on Arii, I'm actually super happy with how you handled it. You say that you're cliché when it comes to love, but you're absolutely not. Cliché would've been if you'd made Arii fall for Damelo and dance with him in the competition and adore that he brought her into the spotlight with him. But you don't do that, and therein lies the originality and realism of the story. I adore that Arii calls him out on not asking her if she wanted to be his partner. I love that she impresses it upon him that he needs to consider her feelings rather than presuming. I love that she tells him she doesn't really want to go out with him and he (mostly) accepts that. And I love that the conversation between them is light and funny but peppered with awkwardness, not falling prey to the faux-drama of most romance-focused conversations in fiction. This story is the very opposite of a cliché, and I applaud you for that.

I also love that Arii bumbled through her performance. In stories about singing or dancing or any other kind of competition-based talent, it's common for a character to downplay their ability out of self-doubt, then somehow pull it out of the bag right at the end. It's refreshing that this story doesn't do that. Arii isn't a brilliant dancer. She was squeezed last-minute into another performance and it showed. But it didn't matter, because it's not a hugely serious part of her life - plus she had fun. That's so much more realistic. I'm not sure who this story is aimed at, but it'd be a great tale for children, in my opinion. Kids need more stories that show them that life isn't all drama and life-changing moments and fireworks - and that there's nothing wrong with it not being.

In terms of critiques, I will say that it was quite a surprise to learn that Arii and Damelo were only twelve. I like that they're not written as kiddy kids, because children are way savvier than we give them credit for, but I'm not sure it fits with the whole 'bribing' thing Damelo had going on. How does a twelve year old bribe a load of adults? With his pocket money? It just seemed odd to me. If he'd refused to partake in the show if they didn't partner him with Arii, that would be more believable. 'Bribe' makes it sound like he was slipping them cash.

Arii's narrative style also seems a bit more mature than she is, overall. Her comments about 'boundaries' and her general awareness about guiding Damelo to assume less just seemed too self-aware. It came across at times like you were impressing the message of the story too pointedly on the reader, which isn't necessary.

I'll also mention that the narrative is still choppy, so apply my previous critique about paragraph breaks to this part of the story as well. As another overall point, the story is lacking in setting description throughout. Dialogue is your strength, so I don't mind that you focus on it, but I would like you to dedicate more time to the surroundings. It often felt like your characters were conversing in a white room. Try to use all of the senses in your description, as well - talk about the smell of warm sugar wafting from the pretzel van, or how her cheeks prickle with embarrassment when Damelo asks about kissing her. More detail and more dimensions make a story more immersive. You don't need to describe everything, but snatches here and there will go a long way.

That's about all I've got to say! I really enjoyed this. It was a charming story that defied my expectations in a lot of ways - and even when I could predict what was coming, you handled it in a way that I didn't anticipate. Damelo and Arii are both really sweet and believable characters, and you end the story on a note that's positive without feeling saccharine. I'm so pleased about that.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan



I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
— Steven Wright