Yolk's on Me (Ending)

Once I get home, I give a short recap of the party. I make sure to sound like I had a good enough time, so I can prevent Mama from worrying and feeling sorry for me. I haven’t looked at my phone since I left the movie theater. For a moment, I wonder if everything fell apart tonight because I didn’t bring any other gifts aside from my glorious voice. Nah, Rashonda had enough presents.

I’m laying my head in Mama’s lap. She’s got her head leaned back on a satin-wrapped pillow. When Daddy’s out of town or working late with his improv group, I usually sleep with my mama. She likes to sleep next to someone because it makes her feel safe. I do it because I love her.

“Mama, why’d you name me Mauve?” I ask. My voice sounds small, and I feel small too in a good way. Like, my mama’s body is enough to wrap all around me even though I’m thicker than she is.

“Purple is a lovely color, darling,” she answers, brushing aside a strand of my hair that fell out of my head wrap.

I get up, facing her. We’re inadvertently wearing our Christmas pajamas on this non-Christmas day.

“But why? You said you named us by what you were feeling after giving birth?”

Mama is silent for a moment before she kisses my forehead. I realize her face is going to be my future one minus her catlike eyes.

“I don’t know, baby.” She strokes my cheek. “I didn’t know who you would be or what you would do when I had you.”

I lay my head on her pillow, mulling around for what I’m feeling right now. “So, you felt nothing when you had me.”

Mama laughs lightly. “Oh, baby I felt a lot of things, but nothing’s not one of them. I wasn’t able to get epidur—”

“Mama!” I stress.

She laughs once more. “I felt like purple was interesting or mysterious. Like, the possibilities were endless. I couldn’t pinpoint you. Now, your sister Jade was easy and calm, so I felt green fit her well. I gave one push and boom, here she was with no fanfare or problems. Jade’s so easygoing, stable, and hardworking for an eleven-year-old. Your little brother Sienna was a spitfire. First, he didn’t want to come on his due date until he wanted to come all at once the next day. I had never been so tired of pushing. I know he’s only three, but he’s strong-willed, determined, and resourceful. The colors weren’t so much what I was feeling, but rather what I thought about you all.”

Hearing these things about my siblings should warm my heart. Mama’s predictions were all right. My siblings are as exactly as she described. I must sigh too heavily because Mama continues.

“But people change. In fact, puberty changes us and we grow and become new things. When I was younger, I was so closed off, but as I got older, I became super extroverted.”

“Well, our personalities don’t really change, Mama. You were probably always like that,” I point out.

“True, but circumstances do change us. If I had never taken that acting class, I never would have explored this side of myself. Mauve, I’m glad I don’t know who you are. You have a chance to find out without a label on you. Who knows Jade and Sienna may change as they get older too?”

I don’t tell my mama she’s made sense and that I agree with her. Finding yourself is hard, but I don’t think I need to find myself. I need to be happy with who I am. Maybe I want to convince other people to be happy with me? Or do I like adoration and praise too much? It’s hard to say.

“What I do know is that I love you so much no matter how you may change, Mauve Fredricks.”

I just hug her back.

------

I’m getting ready for school very slowly. I always pick my outfit the night before, so there’s no fussing around in my closet. My backpack generally stays packed the same though I do change out the used pencils for fresh ones. With most of my morning routine already done, I can only waste time eating breakfast.

This time when I enter the lunchroom no more theatrics. No juggling. No stupid, tryhard outfits. Just me, and however underwhelming that may be.

I readjust my purple headband and walk out the door.

As I thought, the teens who were invited to Rashonda’s party are consumed with talking about Rox or how bad/good the Zombie Bats movie was. While I definitely get stopped a few times in the hallway to talk about my voice, I’m mostly a footnote from the party. Not too bad.

While I’m at my locker, looking for my spare lip balm, I hear someone rap their knuckles softly on the locker next door. I flip around to see Brenda. Her box braids have been bundled in a topknot, and she’s as smiley as usual.

“Hey Mauve, we’ve got a student government meeting after school. We’re voting on who we want to perform at prom this year.

“Oh yeah, that’s great,” I mumbled a bit. She has to notice I’m not as boisterous as usual. I’m a more subdued Mauve.

Brenda readjusts her backpack, probably filled with extra credit assignments and student body president forms.

“You’ve such an amazing voice. I like to sing, but I could never sing like you. The way you got up there, you were so fearless. Rashonda was telling me you and Roxy made her party the best ever.”

“Really?” I ask though I already know it’s true. I’m not afraid to perform; I’m afraid of how I’ll be received. I’m surprised Rashonda spoke highly of me.

She puffs her cheeks out, pouting a bit. “Yeah, everyone thinks it’s so easy, but I have to practice my presidential speeches so many times. Mainly Gracie and Dawn help me keep myself together. My singing is even worse.”

Brenda is standing in the middle of the hallway now. I think of her as so thoughtful that I’m surprised. I’ve to remember she’s popular, not perfect.

“Maybe move a bit. In case, someone wants to get to their class,” I tell her though not rudely.

“Oh yeah, you right. I’m always getting snapped at for blocking someone’s way.” Brenda glances up at the clock in the hallway. She’s probably the only one who can still read an analog clock besides me. “Anyway, at the meeting tonight, I can tell you more. But please join my chorus group. You’re like such an expert. I was wondering if you could give me and the other members lessons—or at least pointers.”

I pretend as if I seriously have to think it over, rubbing my chin. I even look through my phone calendar.

“Hmm, sounds like something I could do, but I’ve never taught anyone before. I think I would be better at giving tips,” I say. “I could teach some voice warm-ups or help you guys practice scales or—"

Brenda cuts me off. “Hey, whatever you want to do. The meeting will be yours. You’ll be like our vocal coach in a way.”

“Let’s talk more about it over lunch,” I suggest.

“For sure!” Brenda nods, pulling a textbook out of her backpack. “Dawn and them are gonna be there too.”

Never say second chances don’t exist.

Singing, good or bad, automatically grabs attention. But I don’t care about that anymore.

Who am I kidding? Mama’s right again. If attention’s a shiny dress, then I definitely want to wear it.