Young Writers Society

Hi Dest!

I see you've requested a review in the forum, so I've come along to review both parts one and two that you've posted

Even with literal egg on my face, yolk dribbling down my chin, the most shameful damning thing is she was right.

As usual, I’m optimistic, foolish, and oh-so-gallantly stupid. Maybe the yellow yolk can fertilize my skin, grow me into something less desperate to please? I doubt it.

Brenda, the nicest one in the group, flashes me a quick half-smile. It’s pained and fleeting, but it’s an act of comfort to wipe away a bit of the embarrassment. She’s student body president, so it makes sense she has to be nice to everyone.

Even with the noise of a century

“Well, tad-dah.” I jump up and fling my arms out. “That’s my trick. You all get the point. I was supposed to catch them, but yolk’s on me,” I speak first, smiling big. Who knew three eggs could cause this much damage? I guess those chickies got their revenge after all.

“Listen, girl. You’re like too much. You come flying in with a mini dozen of eggs at our lunch table with this ‘more news tonight at 7’ journalist’s voice” and a bonafide circus act.” Gracie spreads her arms out, waving them in a circular motion to illustrate my too-muchness. “But in a good way. Like, you’re on some I don’t give a –“

I know, I know I never learn. Another thing Mama always says: if attention’s a big, shiny dress, then Mauve wants to wear it.

Hello there! Thanks for requesting a review, and I hope this helps.

Mauve seems like an interesting character here, with how she seems a lot bit awkward and unsure of how to interact with teenagers her own age. I'm guessing she's an upperclassman, either junior or senior based on her comments about Brenda's friends being friendly despite being a year younger (as they're juniors not seniors.)

She's pretty relatable, in trying to figure out how to get some attention, even while doing something that didn't sound like a great plan, such as juggling eggs? I do wish this story wasn't so cryptic at the beginning though, as the whole reason for the eggs isn't explained until one of the last paragraphs of the entire first part of the story.

The other characters in here are quite cute! I find the first mentioned couple pretty cute, especially that Gracie is the more curse-using ompared to Joel being both an athlete/jock and the son of a pastor. Interesting little contrast there. Brenda seems sweet and happy to try to help, despite only what I can assume the many responsibilities to being Class President.

I like that we're given the descrptions of eye color/hair color (especially the detail of Brenda's braids), but I am curious if the rest of the friend group are also POC, as their skin tones don't seem to be indicated in any way.

Why I'm curoius is mostly because Mauve and Brenda are Black, and that their first meeting was discussing opportunites to promote programs for African-American students. That's really admirable on Brenda's part, and even Mauve's as well, as even in she's trying to get into the "popular" side of thigns, she's still going to be helping out others.

I thought this worked really nice! The teenagers conversing seemed pretty realistic, as well as how parents can influence their children, including getting a bit of insight into Mauve's character and her motivations. Nicely done!

Yes! I love it. The character development is great and so far I am loving Mauve. Sometimes I get annoyed when a story is in first person and the character talks to the reader, but you pull it off well. I think that her need for attention and ways of getting it are comical and relatable. I especially like your opening and the way it slowly introduces why she has an egg on her face, it makes it engaging! Overall great story. Can’t wait to read more!