Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Technology

E - Everyone

15 Minute Writer's Prompt

by Dest


You can’t compare apples to oranges.

Genesis was an inventor, not a farmer. She rolled the two fruits in her gloved hands before slamming her fist against the metal. Immediately, her hand recoiled and a shot of pain danced across her knuckles.

Eventually, the pain subsided but Genesis felt more frustrated now. She took a deep breath before slowly exhaling, looking back down at the machine. Neither apples or oranges had proven to be any help. As far as she was concerned, they were both worthless.

“Okay, girl, keep trying,” Genesis murmured to herself, pulling out her golden key, hanging from a keychain, from the front of her overall. She kept it nearby, so she could reopen her machine’s fuel station quickly. Her hair was pulled backed into puffs, so she could focus her vision on the prize. If she could get this machine to work, money would no longer be a problem, fame would chase her, and the pride from a new invention would radiate from her better than any perfume. No pressure, of course.

Genesis’ machine was going to do what every psychic or prophet claimed: be able to read a person’s thoughts and see the future. Her only problem was trying to find a fuel that would power it. The smell of citrus still hung in the air and greasy bacon almost made her stomach turn. Neither oranges or pork seemed to rev up her machine’s engine. She was lucky she could use her parents’ garage for her fuel trials. All the failures would have had her room looking like a garbage site.

She started her round machine up again. Pulling a lever from the side, much like a mail shoot, Genesis slipped in some soil inside the fuel station. A sound like blending ice sang from her machine before it fizzled out. Another failure.

It was a bad habit, but Genesis pulled her hair. Kinks of hair from her afro puffs floated down, some laying on the green grass and the others onto her clothes.

Whatever hair strands that had snagged themselves on her knitted gloves, fell into her machine’s shoot when Genesis tried to swat off the debris.

Her stubborn machine made a single beep.

She quirked an eyebrow.

To her surprise, the same sounds of icy destruction started but smoothed into the steady noise of a printer. Had Genesis herself been the missing key? This was a machine she created, so it made sense only she could power it in a slightly dumb but magical way.

Now that her machine worked, it was time to test it. Genesis stood in front of the sleek metallic machine, which looked like a cross between a juicer and an astronaut’s helmet. The LED screen booted up and began a retina scan on Genesis’ brown eyes.

The machine was going to read her mind. Or, so she thought. She couldn’t have foreseen the machine would want its own mind, its own thoughts, and its own life.

There was no telling what thoughts would come from the machine.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
127 Reviews


Points: 9777
Reviews: 127

Donate
Sun Jan 31, 2021 11:21 pm
View Likes
Carina wrote a review...



Hello! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review for Review Day.

First of all, you are an excellent writer, especially if you wrote this in only 15 minutes. You have a way with words that flow naturally and captivate the reader's attention. Awesome job! I hope you continue to write and post works in YWS. <3

Below are snippets of the work that I highlighted either because I think it can be improved, or I want to point out something I liked about it.

She pulled her golden key, hanging from a keychain, from the front of her overall. She kept it nearby, so she could make quick adjustments. The key would reopen her machine’s fuel station. She had pulled her hair backed into puffs, so she could focus her vision on the prize.

I think the sentence diversity could be improved here. Try to avoid having too many sentences start with the word 'she'. For example, the first sentence could be: "Once hanging from a keychain, she pulled out her golden key from the front of her overall so that she could reopen her machine's fuel station." A lot more concise, too!

If she could get this machine to work, money would no longer be a problem, fame would chase her, and the pride from a new invention would radiate from her better than any perfume. No pressure, of course.

This part came right after the first quote I pointed out, and I just would like to say that this is a great example of natural, diverse sentences. Good job!

The smell of citrus still hung in the air and greasy bacon almost made her stomach turn. Neither oranges or pork seemed to rev up her machine’s engine. She was lucky she could use her parents’ garage for her fuel trials. All the failures would have had her room looking like a garbage site.

I loved the imagery here. Or, rather, the smell-ery? Hah. A lot of strong-smelling words were brought up here, and I was able to imagine the smells in my head. Nicely done!

This was a machine she created, so it made sense only she could power it in a slightly dumb but magical way.

I think this phrase can be worded better since it's really vague, although I know that you were under the time crunch.

Now that her machine worked, it was time to test it.

I'd like to read more detail on how she knew the machine worked.

Anyways, that's it, and I hope this was helpful! Keep writing and blessing the site with your wonderful writing. :)

~Carina




Dest says...


Awww, thank you so much for the feedback, Carina! <3 You're definitely right. I noticed way too many she's after you pointed that out.



Carina says...


I'm glad to help!! Feel free to tag me in any future works. <3 I loved your writing!



User avatar
43 Reviews


Points: 511
Reviews: 43

Donate
Sat Jan 30, 2021 5:15 pm
View Likes
Miraculor77 wrote a review...



Hi!

first impressions
This is really good for something that was written in 15 minutes from such a strange prompt. Your writing was slightly choppy in some parts, but I liked it a lot overall.

now for the review

You can’t compare apples to oranges. Genesis was an inventor not a farmer. She rolled the two fruits in her gloved hand before slamming her fist against the metal. Immediately, her hand recoiled and a shot of pain danced across her knuckles.


> I personally would have formatted it a bit differently and spaced it out more. This is just preference, though, you don't need to change it.
> You missed a comma between "inventor" and "not" in the first sentence.
> I think it should be "hands," plural, not "hand."

Something like this:
You can't compare apples to oranges.

Genesis was an inventor, not a farmer. She rolled the two fruits in her gloved hands before slamming her fist against the metal. Immediately, her hand recoiled and a shot of pain danced across her knuckles.

“Okay, girl, keep trying,” Genesis murmured to herself.


> She also seemed really frustrated before, so maybe add something before this quote. I feel like it would increase the impact from her words.

e.g.:
She took a deep breath before slowly exhaling, looking back down at the machine.

"Okay, girl, keep trying," Genesis murmured to herself.

She pulled her golden key from the front of her overall. The key would reopen her machine’s fuel station.


> I think it's odd that she pulls the key out to reopen the fuel station. It might make more sense for her to pick up the key from the table or something, because she has already used it a few times.

If she could get this machine to work, money would be no option, fame would chase her, and the pride from a new invention would radiate from her better than any perfume.


> "money would be no option" should probably be something like "money would no longer be a problem."

Genesis’ machine was going to do what every psychic or prophet claimed, to be able to read a person’s thoughts and see the future. Her only problem was trying to find a fuel that would power it. The smell of citrus still hung in the air and greasy bacon almost made her stomach turn. Neither oranges or pork seemed to rev up her machine’s engine. She was lucky she could use her parents’ garage for her fuel trials. All the failures would have had her room looking like a garbage site.


> I think the comma after claimed should be a colon.
> The word "to" after "claimed" feels unnecessary.
> This paragraph overall flows really nicely, especially the last two sentences.

It was bad, but Genesis pulled her hair. Kinks of hair from her afro puffs floated down, some laying on the green grass and the others onto her clothes.


> Why would it be bad?
> It might be puffy hair, but it's still hair, made of strands. I could be wrong, but I don't think the hair would just break off and float down like cotton ball fuzz, falling off of her head so easily. You would need scissors to make it come off like that.

To her surprise, the same sounds of icy destruction started but smoothed into the steady noise of a printer.


> I really, really like this sentence, it flows so well, and I could hear its sounds.

Now that her machine worked, it was time to test it. Genesis stood in front of the sleek metallic machine. Its appearance looking like a cross between a juicer and an astronaut’s helmet. The LED screen booted up and began a retina scan on Genesis’ brown eyes.


> The second bolded sentence is a sentence fragment and feels choppy, and should probably be something like this:

"Genesis stood in front of the sleek metallic machine, which looked like a cross between a juicer and an astronaut helmet."

Or, so she thought. She couldn’t have foreseen the machine would want its own mind, its own thoughts, and its own life.

There was no telling what thoughts would come from the machine.


> Nooo she's going to be under the machine's control isn't she?
> I feel like that machine looks really, really cool. Does she have to wear it for it to work or does it just scan her mind?
> These sentences also feel choppy. Perhaps showing how the machine would take over her (I think that's what's happening) or how the machine "would want its own mind," instead of just telling it, would make it smoother.

final thoughts
This was fun to read, and I really liked your take on the prompt. The way you changed the feel of the story from frustrated yet optimistic to chilling was really good, and I like how you portrayed Genesis's feelings accurately.

I went into a lot of nitpicks in my review, and I'm really sorry if I came off as too harsh. You don't need to follow my suggestions word-for-word; keep what you like and leave the rest. :)

Keep writing

- Mira




Dest says...


Thanks so much for your feedback. I loved your suggestions. You weren't harsh at all <3



User avatar
1145 Reviews


Points: 132467
Reviews: 1145

Donate
Fri Jan 29, 2021 2:36 pm
View Likes
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was quite a fun little prompt I thinks and you've done quite well with that rather unusual set of requirements. Its short but its certainly a fun story and I enjoyed it.

Anyway let's get right to it,

You can’t compare apples to oranges. Genesis was an inventor not a farmer. She rolled the two fruits in her gloved hand before slamming her fist against the metal. Immediately, her hand recoiled and a shot of pain danced across her knuckles.


Okay...kind of an unconventional opening that we have there. Doesn't seem to make the most sense but in a way it is quite intriguing so I suppose it has that going for it at least which is great for an opening paragraph.

She pulled her golden key from the front of her overall. The key would reopen her machine’s fuel station. She had pulled her hair backed into puffs, so she could focus her vision on the prize. If she could get this machine to work, money would be no option, fame would chase her, and the pride from a new invention would radiate from her better than any perfume. No pressure, of course.


Well...its sounds like a lot rests on the performance of this mystery invention. Well it's certainly doing its job getting me interested in keeping on reading this so it's going good so far. This is a nice detail to get your reader invested in the story.

Genesis’ machine was going to do what every psychic or prophet claimed, to be able to read a person’s thoughts and see the future. Her only problem was trying to find a fuel that would power it. The smell of citrus still hung in the air and greasy bacon almost made her stomach turn. Neither oranges or pork seemed to rev up her machine’s engine. She was lucky she could use her parents’ garage for her fuel trials. All the failures would have had her room looking like a garbage site.


Very interesting...and delicious choices of fuel...but well...this definitely seems like it would be a rather groundbreaking invention and powered by an very interesting fuel source.

She started her round machine up again. Pulling a lever from the side, much like a mail shoot, Genesis slipped in some soil inside the fuel station. A sound like blending ice sang from her machine before it fizzled out. Another failure.


Not dirt then I suppose...

It was bad, but Genesis pulled her hair. Kinks of hair from her afro puffs floated down, some laying on the green grass and the others onto her clothes.


Okay...not the worst way to put a description of someone's hair in I suppose.

Whatever hair strands that had snagged themselves on her knitted gloves, fell into her machine’s shoot when Genesis tried to swat off the debris.

Her stubborn machine made a single beep.

She quirked an eyebrow.


Oooh...is the machine reacting to the hair...love the buildup here.

To her surprise, the same sounds of icy destruction started but smoothed into the steady noise of a printer. Had Genesis herself been the missing key? This was a machine she created, so it made sense only she could power it in a slightly dumb but magical way.


Well...that does somehow make sense in a weird poetic kind of way...hmm...I like it...it does seem fitting.

Now that her machine worked, it was time to test it. Genesis stood in front of the sleek metallic machine. Its appearance looking like a cross between a juicer and an astronaut’s helmet. The LED screen booted up and began a retina scan on Genesis’ brown eyes.

The machine was going to read her mind. Or, so she thought. She couldn’t have foreseen the machine would want its own mind, its own thoughts, and its own life.

There was no telling what thoughts would come from the machine.


OH dear...well...that is quite a twist to end on...looks like she accidentally created something that could be a little beyond her control...well...at least we have a suitably chilling ending and we can always appreciate one of those.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think this was a fun read and you've done pretty well with the prompt that you got so great job there. At any rate that's all I've gotta say!!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Dest says...


Thank you! <3




Poetry is my cheap means of transportation. By the end of the poem the reader should be in a different place from where he started. I would like him to be slightly disoriented at the end, like I drove him outside of town at night and dropped him off in a cornfield.
— Billy Collins