Hello! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review for Review Day.
First of all, you are an excellent writer, especially if you wrote this in only 15 minutes. You have a way with words that flow naturally and captivate the reader's attention. Awesome job! I hope you continue to write and post works in YWS. <3
Below are snippets of the work that I highlighted either because I think it can be improved, or I want to point out something I liked about it.
She pulled her golden key, hanging from a keychain, from the front of her overall. She kept it nearby, so she could make quick adjustments. The key would reopen her machine’s fuel station. She had pulled her hair backed into puffs, so she could focus her vision on the prize.
I think the sentence diversity could be improved here. Try to avoid having too many sentences start with the word 'she'. For example, the first sentence could be: "Once hanging from a keychain, she pulled out her golden key from the front of her overall so that she could reopen her machine's fuel station." A lot more concise, too!
If she could get this machine to work, money would no longer be a problem, fame would chase her, and the pride from a new invention would radiate from her better than any perfume. No pressure, of course.
This part came right after the first quote I pointed out, and I just would like to say that this is a great example of natural, diverse sentences. Good job!
The smell of citrus still hung in the air and greasy bacon almost made her stomach turn. Neither oranges or pork seemed to rev up her machine’s engine. She was lucky she could use her parents’ garage for her fuel trials. All the failures would have had her room looking like a garbage site.
I loved the imagery here. Or, rather, the smell-ery? Hah. A lot of strong-smelling words were brought up here, and I was able to imagine the smells in my head. Nicely done!
This was a machine she created, so it made sense only she could power it in a slightly dumb but magical way.
I think this phrase can be worded better since it's really vague, although I know that you were under the time crunch.
Now that her machine worked, it was time to test it.
I'd like to read more detail on how she knew the machine worked.
Anyways, that's it, and I hope this was helpful! Keep writing and blessing the site with your wonderful writing.
~Carina
Points: 10085
Reviews: 147
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