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The Patriot

by Deskro


Why do we work for the Overlord of Stars?

Slave in a way for fancy clothes and cars.

In a way a slave for a cornucopia of scars.

In a few decades they’ll just ship us off to Mars.


Politicians spout debate on their themes and allegory,

Assumed a good citizen, but don’t be fooled by smoky history

That convinces us to commit a spur of the moment felony.

They’ll do naught but kick your ass and cap you like a salary.


Kids of the earth, jaws busted, bones dusted,

Years of regret, their slights are left unjusted,

Pushed under the rug, forgotten till they’re rusted,

Sprinkled untold like a poison on our fingerful of custard.


Will you grab the mantle, white-male hetero?

Be the Earth’s saviour: “Legendary Hero”,

Pull the human race from the hole in the zero,

Or simply stand as the strawman-like scarecrow.


So much left untold and ungiven.

Doomed to unlife in society’s prison.

Waiting till God brings a 7 tailed-whip for the driven,

And hold back our siblings that forgive the unforgiven. 


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624 Reviews


Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

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Tue Sep 06, 2016 7:02 pm
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Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Deskro! Casanova here to review!
Alright- you know how this works. I start off with the good (if any and in my opinion), then the bad (if any and in my opinion), then I conclude! Sound good? Haha! Let's get to it, shall we?
To the review!
I honestly don't have much bad to say about this,"poem."
Your imagery is on point, but that's to be expected of you. Anything less and I'd ask if you've been hitting up the bottle again. You write exactly what you're feeling, and it works. You basically write from your sleeve, I guess would be the correct term to use here. It's amazing. You find what you want to write, you put it in words, you include your passion and your emotions, and then you format it. It's absolutely wonderful. So props for that man.
Your flow, again, is on point. It really goes well and I love it I couldn't find many inconsistencies- and that was reading it like it was a poem instead of a rap. Although to poem style and your rapping stay are extremely similar- i did see this one as a poem.
Now be for I get to the bad I would like to list the lines that I felt were the best out of all of the poem.

"Waiting till God brings a 7 tailed-whip for the driven,
And hold back our siblings that forgive the unforgiven."

I don't know but for some reason your ending lines were nust completely amazing. I loved them. Especially the,"unforgiven," part. That was really well thought out.

To the next part!

The only bad thing was that this poem did have, in spots, some lines that felt as if you were trying to force the rhyme. It's not often and mostly not really notixeable- but work on it bruv.
Anyway- the imagery was very well placed but the rhyming was a bit eh it spots. Overall it was really good, though.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on Man.
Your friend- Matthee Casanova Aaron.




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109 Reviews


Points: 1561
Reviews: 109

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Sun Oct 25, 2015 4:20 pm
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GLaDOS wrote a review...



Heyo Deskbro! GLaxDOS here to check out some of your work.

I'm glad you put this into stanzas, it's been a bit of a mess trying to tell everyone that they should consider doing that. Phew!

Slave in a way for fancy clothes and cars.

"Slaving away" would've done better here, otherwise this doesn't exactly make much sense.

I'd also like to point out that these lines are a little out of shape. Meaning that there are longer lines and shorter lines; although it may seem difficult, try to bring your lines to the same length to make them look a little better.

And on another note: the title. "The Patriot" doesn't exactly suit this poem, it'd be better to use something about the government or politicians or whatever (unless, of course, you were using sarcasm).

I found this poem to be relatable because I pretty much believe the same thing. It was fun to read and a little hard to review on, since you're older and more skilled than I am. But nonetheless, I loved it and I strongly believe you should continue writing as you're... really good at it!

Eugh "good" is such a bland word. Whatever.

~Gladdy




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Points: 608
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Tue Oct 20, 2015 3:38 pm
Z123 wrote a review...



Hi im Z123 and i really like the topic of this poem, I can relate to it because, you are talking about today's society. [slave in a way for fancy clothes and cars] I like this because, people who are famous or work for a lot and get what they have they want to boast about it and show it. I would rather work and become rich to disappear and mind my own business somewhere. [Assumed a good citizen, but don't be fooled by smoky history] this is very good because you assume one who has the title as a politician they are going to be a good citizen and you would have no ill will towards but in reality they have done things in the past that some people might not know about. [pushed under the rug, and forgotten till they're rusted] I love this poem because it makes so much sense to me, i believe that you are saying there is kids in today's society that people don't see much potential in, so they are left there and there is another kid to replace them and the ones who didn't get in are just left there on their own. Overall I loved this and I do not really have any criticism, keep up your good work im excited to see more!




Deskro says...


Thanks for the review :D I'm glad you liked it




cron
A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
— Orson Welles