z

Young Writers Society



Umbra

by Deskro


The world was definitely darker after the incident. Grey clouds drooped defeated in the sky, a sombre blanket strewn across the heavens. I ambled down the street alone, a strange situation for what used to be an energetic centre. A wrapper circled my feet. I followed vacantly as it limped away in the dutiful breeze, weaving through looming buildings adorned with cracked brick sneers and broken window scowls. The alleys were framed with disheveled advertisements. They hung tenaciously but for nothing, as time had erased all meaning that they once boasted. I heard a macabre howl in the distance. My cue to depart.

As I wove between stone towers to find somewhere safe, I spied a rooftop. This contained two major advantages: a vantage point and multiple escape routes. From here, I could scrutinize the desolate landscape of a once bustling metropolis. Frightening images danced in my mind, of innocent men falling prey to dark, otherworldly beasts. I shuddered and moved my gaze out from the city toward the local garden, the only thing that still portrayed life in this hellish land. As I curled up to have a quick nap something caught my eye. A silhouette in the distance stood on the shore of a small lake that lay in the centre of the garden. The figure held a different posture and shape to the others. A human? Unlikely but not impossible. 

I vaulted off the roof to a nearby tree and shimmied down its trunk before bounding toward the city’s garden. I then realized that my vigilance had just been blinded by my excitement. Appreciating how fortunate it was that I had remained alive, I slunk to a nearby wall and inhaled deeply. Gathering my senses I set off once more toward the mystery figure. I squeezed through the wrought iron bars of the garden’s gate and moved towards its centre, sure to avoid the path in case I met something hostile. As I reached what felt like the end of a forest, I poked my head through shrubbery obstructing my view. 

The figure stood still, at the edge of the lake. A girl, not more than 12 years old, looked over the water, her thick brunette hair tumbling over her shoulders and down her back. The translucent water lapped at her feet as if trying to coax her to be consumed in its world. I approached her cautiously as she sat herself down, burying her head in her arms. I advanced, feeling my heart pounding relentlessly in my throat.

The first human contact I would have experienced since the few months after the incident would be right here and now. I blinked and swallowed, before gently nudging her shoulder. She gasped and jumped up, clasping her mouth. I froze, wondering whether I should simply run. I didn’t. This was my last chance to team up with someone and try make it through this nightmare. She knew I posed no threat. Lowering her hands, she clutched them at her chest. Her face split into a genuine smile, experiencing the same emotions as me. She grabbed me and hugged me tight, like a long lost parent. I felt hopeful and relaxed, two emotions that I had almost forgotten existed. l hoped that she would never let go. We broke off our embrace and simply looked into each other’s emerald eyes. Words were irrelevant. The only important thing now was the survival of us. She turned with new found optimism and headed in a direction leading to what assumed would be her home. She smiled coyly and beckoned me to follow, and so I did.

In this ravished land, time was so distorted that it was impossible to recall how much of it we spent together. Regardless, I know every waking moment was spent side by side, forbidding the other to disappear from sight. We became a single being, adhered by love, trust and hope. She often talked to me, to comfort both me and herself. She told me her name was Grace and she decided that she would call me "Umbra". We truly made an amazing team, doing everything we could to ensure our survival. While I hunted for meat, she would forage for fruit, vegetables and berries. Sometimes we would even walk for miles to find food, but would always return to our home in the garden. It would have been the perfect life, save for the constant paranoia of being assailed by a non-human, or Dreadcur as Grace had aptly titled them. We never saw Dreadcurs while we were together and were lulled into deadly relaxation. The raucous wails of the fiends did nothing but confirm their distance from us.

It was not long after that the incident occurred. Young Grace traipsed along the garden path, exhausted after a particularly strenuous stint of gathering. I followed some steps behind, ignoring niggling reminders to avoid walking in such an open area. I heard the distinct growl of a Dreadcur. I slowed, pondering on whether it was a figment of my fearful imagination or reality. I listened again intently before hearing a quiet but chilling pant. I froze, preparing for the worst. Grace turned and saw that I had come to a halt. She walked back to me and stroked my head while whispering softly. 

This world offered no chance to a child, armed with only innocence and naivety. The Dreadcur howled and descended, snatched Grace from our world and vanished in an indigo vortex, back to its own.

Though I so desperately needed my other half, there was nothing I could do to save her… My tail lashed ruefully as I dived into the shadows back toward the city.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 4915
Reviews: 172

Donate
Thu Sep 17, 2015 7:30 pm
RagingLive wrote a review...



Hello, and welcome to YWS!! I know it might be a little late, but I still wanted to tell you that I'm happy you're here, otherwise I wouldn't be able to read this awesome short!!

What I ultimately loved about your writing was the imagery. You pulled this off impeccably in most places, but there are a few snippets that I feel you could brush up:

A wrapper circled my feet.

This seemed like a very short and a very normal sentence - in other words it didn't quite fit in with the rest of your dramatic details. There are many ways that you can spice this particular sentence up. Try something like:
"A wrapper encircled my feet before tearing free and danced away in a carefree toss of the wind, making me wish I could follow in its springing step. Maybe that's why I did."
or:
"A stray wrapper circled about my feet, and I watched it with blank interest as it turned its back on me, tripping and skipping down the cracked sidewalk. I blinked as it for a moment as it flipped around, beckoning me to follow. So I did."
Make the fact that he followed the short sentence, it will seem more dramatic.

This world offered no chance to a child, armed with only innocence and naivety.

I think that you should remove the comma to make it read easier and perhaps switch the 'with' and the 'only' like this:
"This world offered no chance to a child armed only with innocence and naivety."

I would have liked to see more at the end of your short story as I felt that Umbra didn't show much emotion to the fact that Grace is gone - and is never going to return. Instead, in this narration, it's only referred to 'the incident' which sounds very detached and cold. I'm not usually into reading fantasy, so maybe this is normal, however, with the sense of intelligence that this creature has I would think that it would display more emotion.

Great writing, I hope I can see more of it in the future! So for now, keep writing and keep on smiling!! :D
~RagingLive




Deskro says...


Thanks for the review!

Your comments have been duly noted.

In response to "the incident" is the fact that he is completely focused on his own survival. In his eyes, it was better her than him, despite the circumstance and as much as it pains him, he can't let it jeopardize his own future. He may have sacrificed himself for her if it was possible but tbh I'm not sure.

Anyway I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks again. :D



RagingLive says...


Glad I could help!



User avatar
359 Reviews


Points: 455
Reviews: 359

Donate
Thu Sep 17, 2015 6:19 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review! I’ll just jump right in, shall I? :D

The world was definitely darker after the incident.


This is a brilliant opening line, and really made me want to read on. On the other hand, considering the “incident” is something rather major, is this really the right word? How about “after it happened”? Unless, of course, it’s because of the narrator’s outlook on the world, in which case disregard this.

The world was definitely darker after the incident. Grey clouds drooped defeated in the sky, a sombre blanket strewn across the heavens. I ambled down the street alone, a strange situation for what used to be an energetic centre. A wrapper circled my feet. I followed vacantly as it limped away in the dutiful breeze, weaving through looming buildings adorned with cracked brick sneers and broken window scowls. The alleys were framed with disheveled advertisements. They hung tenaciously but for nothing, as time had erased all meaning that they once boasted. I heard a macabre howl in the distance. My cue to depart.


Personally, I found this too difficult to digest, and my vocabulary definitely isn’t bad. I would consider changing some of the more flowery language in this so the words that you choose to keep actually have more of an impact on your reader. Being literary or poetic is great and I really like writers who paint with words and splash colour everywhere, but too much of it and your reader may think you’re being a bit pretentious. So I’d suggest toning this first paragraph down.

As I curled up to have a quick nap something caught my eye.


I didn’t really like this sentence; it felt a bit jarring. The protagonist is observing the city, and then just randomly lies down to sleep? At the very least, I would advise putting this in a separate paragraph.

A girl, not more than 12 years old


Just my opinion, but I’d write 12 out as a word, especially since you seem to be going for a literary feel here.

We broke off our embrace and simply looked into each other’s emerald eyes.


They both have emerald eyes, despite one being human and the other some kind of beast?

save for the constant paranoia of being assailed by a non-human


Reading this, I feel like a kid whose lollipop has just been snatched away. Non-humans, that’s great. But what kinds of non-humans? Are they vampires, shapeshifters, giant glow-in-the-dark bats? Dreadcurs sound like big dogs to me, but again, you don’t explain further.

My tail lashed ruefully as I dived into the shadows back toward the city.


This is a brilliant plot twist and a brilliant ending.

This raises so many questions I feel like it should be part of something longer. However, upon reading the description of this story (I saw the link to this under “Works by New Members” and simply followed it without first reading the description – I really ought to make sure I do so in future) and the fact this is meant to be a circular story, I was seriously impressed by the way you wrote it. I have to admit I read it a number of times, and I’m sure it could amuse me for hours… eh heh heh. Feel free to let me know if you upload any more! :D




Deskro says...


Thanks for the review steam.

I actually agree with your opinion on paragraph 1. I normally dislike overly descriptive passages (thanks, Grapes of Wrath) and usually try to avoid it (as seen in Gat-o-9-Sails).

About the nap - cats love to sleep
Twelve instead of 12, noted
Cats usually have green or yellow (and sometimes blue - Siamese)
I'm sorry about not explaining the Dreadcurs, I didn't want to ruin the fear of the characters by describing them. It gives the reader enough mystery to kind of imagine how fearsome they are themselves, but sometimes it doesn't work so well :(.

Thanks for the review and the compliments, it encourages me to attempt to write some more :)



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 410
Reviews: 10

Donate
Thu Sep 17, 2015 1:04 pm
View Likes
Mazuurek wrote a review...



Hey there, I spotted this short story in the Green Room and thought I'd give it a read.

First of all, nice twist at the end! I was well and truly caught by surprise. Reading through it again there were pretty obvious hints, but none that the average reader would catch on the first read-through. When you talk about this story being circular, I'm assuming that the narrator goes through similar experiences constantly, and thus it can be simply taken as an anecdote of the narrator's reality. If so, well done on that as well! Truly a refreshing sort of short story.

Zooming into the details, I observed that while the story mostly follows a coherent, easy-to-read structure, there are some spots where the continuity slips a little. Specifically, in the second paragraph no mention is made of the narrator actually making his way to the rooftop, so it confused me and I had to read through that section a second time.

The start of the third paragraph is a bit confusing, and I'm not too sure how the second and third sentences really fit in to the rest of it. I get that something happened which interrupted the narrator's pursuit of the girl, but it isn't explicitly made clear what happened, and I think that detracts from the plot a little.

Another more minor issue is that in the fifth paragraph I'm not sure how the narrator manages to nudge the girl's back, unless she's a really really small girl or he's a really really big cat.

In the linguistics department you're fine for most parts, but I spotted a few sentence elements which could have been tweaked slightly to flow better. Nothing particularly ungrammatical about it per se, but enhancements are always welcome I suppose.

In general the story is written with a rather pedestrian style, in the sense that more attention is paid to the story than how it is presented. It's not a particularly bad thing, but I'd like to challenge you to take storytelling to the next level and be more expressive with your story. As it is it's slightly monotonous, but I believe it has potential to be an excellent short story.

Keep up the good work!




Deskro says...


Thanks for the feedback :)

You're right about the second paragraph, he just kind of appears at his destination - my bad.

I guess the third paragraph is just touching on how dangerous the environment and if you lose focus for a moment you could be killed, as seen in the conclusion.

The fifth paragraph is explained in the fourth paragraph
"I approached her cautiously as she sat herself down, burying her head in her arms." He can reach her because she's sitting down.

I'm sorry you found it monotonous, but it was something I just threw together. If I write something similar again later I'll make sure to incorporate some more expression.

Thanks again :)



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 397
Reviews: 19

Donate
Thu Sep 17, 2015 12:22 pm
BlueDaisy2018 wrote a review...



Hey! This was a very good short story! I loved the good imagery and I felt like I could see what was going on first hand! The only thing I'm confused about is: Is this written about a dog? A cat? A chameleon? A wolf, maybe? Just wondering. Overall a great piece!!!! I wish that it had only clarified a bit better about the animal thing. That's just a thing I saw, plus when you said something about a swishing tail at the end it kind of confused me. Just personal nitpicks.
With Love! ~BlueDaisy





cron
See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451