Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
All my damaged goods could be really damning,
Change my view so I can keep on slamming,
Can’t stop the game, hardwired player,
Can’t drop the girl, but cannot date her.
See wet poles and slippery holes,
All gonna eventually take their tolls,
They want it too just won’t admit it,
I wanted to, but no commitment.
Meet a new girl at the club,
Music bumping, trap and dub,
She’s just a girl and talkin coy,
She gives me that look - I’m just a boy.
Graffiti wall in the toilet stall,
Glory for them, rapture for all,
Match made in heaven, easy to see,
Bailey's – Kahlua – Midori.
Take her home, she’s a pretty thing,
Helps to dull the inner sting,
But a lone wolf is what I be,
Hungry for girls dressed scantily.
3 A.M. phone text message vibrate,
I gotta tell her, conscience is no lie mate,
Look in her eyes and say it’s nobody,
This relationship was never a worry.
I promise you that I'm really trying,
But I don’t have time for this worthless crying,
On to the next, send out a text,
Want to feel more pleasure insects.
Half a century down the track,
Life slow getting slack,
Sitting here alone on a rocking chair,
Was it all worth it? Do I even care?
It seemed my damaged goods were just really damning,
Gave it all just for another slamming,
Can’t stop the game, hardwired player,
Should have chose a girl and settled later.
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Heya, Desk man. Wassup? Anyway- I'm starting on my promise to review your entire portfolio now... So I think I'm gonna need coffee and a lot of filler. YOU ONLY HAVE TWO POEMS? WHY? Blah- I'll give the short stories and everything a chance.
But, anyway, I do this a certain way. I list the good(If any, in my opinion), then the bad(If any, and in my opinion), then I conclude! Haha! Let's get to it, shall we?
To the review!
Aight- to the good friendo. I guess the best thing out of this(then again, with you it's a given) but the flow. Except for this line-
"It seemed my damaged goods were just really damning."
The flow is really well written and portrayed.
I also love the imagery in the poem(or is this a rap? I can read the rap influence in it but knowing you..) It's really there. You write exactly what you want to write and it's clear. Which is amazing.
Okay- before I get to the bad I would like to list the lines that I most enjoyed of this poem. I've been doing this to everyone's poems and things- kinda like lines(to me) that should be remembered even if the rest of the poem isn't.
"I promise you that I'm really trying,
But I don’t have time for this worthless crying..."
I love these lines. In my opinion it means the person IS trying(or at least wanting to try) but they think they don't have time to be sad? Like they shouldn't be? I don't know for sure- I'll hit you up later about it.
Okay- this is something I've been jumped over and now I'm gonna rag on you about it. Don't be rhyming /just/ to rhyme, know what I'm saying? Here, lemme give you some examples of what I mean-
"It seemed my damaged goods were just really damning,
Gave it all just for another slamming,"
You sacrifice flow here to rhyme. If it works better, and IF IT WAS RAP, I'd give you props for the rhyme- but since it's poetry NU. NU. You don't have to rhyme constantly to make it good poetry- or at all for that matter. Give something else a shot- try writing free verse for flow if you want to write strictly poetry.
Anyway- yeah. The imagery, and the flow(for the most part) was absolutely amazing but I felt as if the rhyme in this was just forced so you could keep a rhyme scheme? I could be wrong- sometimes I rhyme without meaning to as well.
But, anyway, keep writing and I'll be back to get the rest of your stuff later.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
This poem was extremely well created, however I find that there is a particular story trying to be told in this poem that I feel the work to rhyme ended up bringing back. If you could write this a bit more freely and away for the rhyming it may end up with a better emotional flow. Other than that one aspect, I truly did love your work! Well done, and beautiful theme.
Hello!
I'm not sure what the I wanted to refers to here. He's already admitted that he wants sex so it doesn't follow on from the previous line but if it's meant to mean he wanted to commit then there should be a full stop between the lines to show that's separate.Specifics
1. This sounds like a slam poem to me or at the least one of the ones you read out loud to an audience. It has a good beat but is a syllable or two out in places, for example the second line is too short. I'm also not sure the persona needs to change their view to keep on slamming as that first line seems to be more a comment about how others view it and I think at this point he does't think that way. Maybe something like:
All my damaged goods could be really damning,
that's not my view so I can keep on slamming
2. Again you're a syllable down on line 3 if you compare it to line 4. That could be fixed with 'I'm a' in front of hardwired player and then adding 'I' into line 4 before cannot date her.
3.
4. I like the third stanza, I think the end works particularly well ad is a good example of when changing up the syllable count works.
5. This line feels out of place with the graffiti one - why do graffiti artists get glory? Most graffiti done in a toilet is just people's names and nothing outstanding, unless it was meant to be a pun on glory holes or a hint of that, but in which case it doesn't link in with the graffiti line and should be split off.
6. I like these lines, they're good fun.
7. This line feels forced and it's obvious to see you've flipped the syntax to rhyme with the next one. You can get away with that a little more in rap poetry but it sounds a little sloppy. It may be a little smoother as 'But a lone wolf, that's what they call me'
8. The beat feels off here- that second line's too long for the first.
9. This line feels really out of place. Maybe you're going for the whole love bug thing or even some kind of gross hint at STD's but the imagery feels out of place. Everything else in this poem is very man-made and part of that kind of wild teen scene but insects break the theme a bit because they're a natural image if that makes sense? If the line was more obvious then it would work because your reader would be thinking of what those insects represent rather than insects themselves, but this is suitably vague that a good portion of your audience won't get it. I don't even feel like I got it.
10. I like the first three lines of this stanza a lot but I'm not sure about the last one.
Overall
A good ending! I think this is a fun poem that carried a serious message but at the same time doesn't take itself too seriously. If you fix the rhythm up a bit, I could see this doing good on a slam night, though you'd need the right kind of audience of course.
All the best,
~Heather
Thanks for the review!
Quite a bit to explain so I might do it another time, glad you enjoyed it though!
hi there Ryan here to review!
I enjoyed this poem a lot. You did a very nice job rhyming each line. I often get frustrated when trying to write a poem that rhymes and often give up and switch to free verse, so I applaud you for the great rhyming in this poem. I also liked how the poem held secrets till the end but wasn't confusing. I couldn't really tell what the whole poem was about until I finish it but I wasn't confused or lost.
my only complaint was that I was a little confused with the line
"want to feel more please insects"
other than that the poem was great.
keep writing
-Ryan aka ang920
Thanks for the review!
.
I'm glad you didn't find it too confusing and you seemed to enjoy it which makes me feel great
In terms of the insect line, I can pm you the explanation if you are interested