"Fictions of television stand to reason,
Against the constants, and ever changing season,
As the faces change, the dances remain the same,
After all, this is just one big popularity game."
-the law of popularity.
------------
I'm an idol,
yes, an idol,
the televisions gleam visits only me,
my fast-paced body is the only one you see,
look over here, don't go away,
admire my dancing for the rest of the day!
Eternity's visage is one I know well,
because it's the only face that sells,
take of that nasty skirt,
come on now-
don't look hurt,
I'm an idol, you see,
You belong to Me.
"Ha ha ha ha,"
Your laughter is seeping into my veins,
while the director's company gains-
financial status, money, power,
My dances amass more views every hour.
"Look, look, look!"
Admire me!
Desire me!
I am the height of all creation,
thousands adore me across the nation!
The world is my playground,
It's most profound,
to think that a little while ago,
No one would have known me from a flake of snow!
"An Idiot Dances,"
"An Idiot Prances,"
"across the screen,"
"what do we mean?"
"Seen it countless times before,"
"this guys is such a bore,"
"can't he do something new?"
Is there nothing I can't do?!
Singing, dancing,
Admire my prancing!
Feel the blood pump through your veins,
Squeal with joy, become amazed!
I'm an Idol,
AN IDOL!
Respect me, desire me,
Don't dare FIRE me!
How dare you accuse me of such dark things?!
Don't you know what happiness my dancing brings?!
I see the profits drop,
so it's the blame I cop,
but doesn't anyone see?
THEY ALL BELONG TO ME!!
I'm an Idol,
YES, AN IDOL,
self proclaimed,
bathing in fame,
with my finances drained,
I sleep in the rain.
People walk by in the street,
the ones who crowded to meet-
a star,
now fallen far,
the tears stopped falling long ago,
now despair is all I know.
Approaching a television screen,
one in which I'd once been seen,
and there, before my eyes,
was an image of an interesting guise.
Smiling, laughing, moving, dancing,
jumping, kicking, flipping, prancing...
the girl who had been my first lover,
she danced joyfully like another,
more popular than I could ever be,
She had taken the place of "Me."
"I'm an idol, a pure visage of delight!"
she chimes, without a pang of guilt in sight,
I clench my fists with rage,
and so flips another page.
"But that previous star is nowhere in sight,"
a girl mumbles, at the end of her show,
she clutches to an old skirt, breathing slow,
an article the girl knew well,
the one that helped her shed her shell,
with the aid of an Idol who had fallen from stardom,
she rose to take the place of televisions bizarre sitcom.
"Life is such a cruel game,"
they chide, much the same,
power perverts even the stronger mind,
Given enough time.
"That's an idol,"
A passerby says with such contempt,
but to the pair, their hearts are exempt,
because their love slowly bound them together,
and despite the fandom, their relationship shall never weather.
But as the pair live their separate lives, with hidden love,
a young usurper rises up and then above,
taking their positions as ex-idols,
and the three become rivals.
Contests that befit the scene,
let the television gleam,
and may the best IIIIDOOOLLL,
BE FIT TO CLAIM THE (SELF-PROCLAIMED) TITLE!!!!
-----------------------
A/N I hope you guys like this poem, I worked really hard on it. Got any questions? Be sure to fire away, I know That it might seem a little confusing here and there, and for that, I apologize. :/
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Hi DarkBunneh13!
My name's Aley and I'll be your reviewer today so buckle up and sit back. We're in for the long haul this time.
First off I'd like to say that the way you went about presenting the poem is admirable. You didn't take away from the poem by including another poem right before it, or was that just a quote from somewhere? It was well worked and it helped introduce the subject for the poem you were about to deliver. I also feel that this poem would work really well as a spoken word, especially because of the rhyme scheme and the way you went about speaking through the poem. You're working a lot with sounds and those sounds would do best out loud instead of in the head. Unfortunately being as I am, I didn't have time to really go through it out loud like I should have, but I did notice a few things in a reading that could be improved.
For one thing, it's very long, and while that can sometimes be a good thing, I think that it's a bit too long to get your message across efficiently. What I mean by that is that when you have a long poem, you're carrying an image and a message from the start to the end. Here the message is about how one idol falls and another rises, but we get this very detailed revolution between the two when in reality it can happen in days, especially with things like Youtube and American Idol.
Next, I think some of your subject sort of dates and puts the poem into a much smaller box than what it could be about. For instance, you speak a lot about dancing, but I never watch dancers. I'll hear singers on the radio, and I'll see some stars dancing because of Dancing with the Stars, but I never really see real dancing competitions and things like that. If you changed dancing to singing, I think you would hit a lot bigger audience because radio is a lot easier to access than a dancing show which has to be on TV whereas singers end up on on the TV, on the radio, and on youtube.
Because of this narrowed field to dancers, I kind of felt like this poem was too young, like it was a pageant of 5-10 year olds who were trying to perform in a talent competition and like most young people that age, they all believed they were amazing and the center of everyone's heart. I suppose that's why I think you should change it because singing competitions mean you have to be older, and while they can involve dancing, the dancing comes secondary to the singing, but on top is always the production. If you want to keep it, you can, if you don't, you don't have to. Now you know what I was thinking so you can make a judgement for yourself.
I felt that you started out kind of strong with the declarations and the rise to fame, but I don't think we ever really got the magnitude of life as an idol because everything changes and even coming home is a celebration if we're to believe American Idol and some of the other shows like that. Of course, we can always ignore them all and just go with what you want us to see, but a lot of people are going to be familiar with these shows and want that familiarity echoed in how you deal with the situation.
I didn't catch that they were dating, and I barely caught that there was someone else around, a competitor, before they showed up on the screen. You could edit the sections where you have the idol telling the non-idol to take off the raggedy skirt and include how close they got.
I feel like the areas in the front of this where it is just the idol being an idol were very dry. They didn't offer anything too new to the idea of an idol and we all know about that. This is sort of a tragedy and if we look at it like a tragedy, you don't go over why they're a hero, you just go over the fall. That being said, if we started at the 11th stanza, or the stanza where the idol is already in the rain, we could get the jist of the rest of them without going through the reading. Poetry is supposed to be compact, condensed, and rich. This means less is more in a lot of cases and I think if you look at how to trim back the first 10 stanzas [this is excluding the stuff before the ---- line.], maybe to 1 or 2 stanzas, we'd have a much better, quicker poem to read.
Now onto the critical stuff. Here are the things that might be misspelled, misspoken, or just struck me as odd.
is this supposed to be off?
This is the section where I didn't really see who they were talking to or know what became of them to end up being something of a lovers quarrel.
This actually doesn't rhyme. Even though the om is present in both, they're different sounds. Stardom is an um and sitcom is an am.
Where are the three of them in the story? This is just about one person, maybe two if you want to compare how the girl with the skirt will end up like the ex-idol, but I don't see how you can get a third person out of this any way you skin it.
Also the wording in this section is really awkward and I'd rather see you just cut it then keep it because it makes the rhyme scheme too important, more important than the words. For instance, if we look at the first line of this, you have three different things that say "up" and they're all doing the same job as each other. That's totally not a consolidation of words. The line basically says "a rising star" yet you go about it in this long congealed manner which might sound cool, but it is empty words, and empty words are not good in a poem.
The next two lines just sound like they're composed to oppose one another and that loses their meaning. They become unimportant once you figure out the trick, especially because there are not three rivals, there are two.
I suppose in the end I'd like to say that this needs work. I'd recommend cutting back the front of it so that we focus more on the fall because I think that's what the intent of this poem was, and in the fall we can see the rising of another star, which is what the first half of this poem was about anyway, so instead of getting it repeated, we get the perspective of what happened initially and how it will end.
I hope this helps and gives you some good ground to stand on when you're looking at how to edit this poem. If you have any questions, shoot me a message and I'll see if I can answer them.
-Aley
Here to review! ^-^
Wow... Once again, I am taken away by how good of a writer you are. As said, the rhyming scheme is perfect. I don't even know what else to say. Amazing job. The vocabulary is good, advanced but not overwhelming. There is a sense of power being conveyed, which I love. I like the feelings being passed by it. Overall, a very nice piece, as usual.
Aww, thanks! I'm not that good, but I'm grateful for the feedback! ^_^
Pfft. Please. You are n excellent author.
Wow!
I've read a few of your other 'raps' and liked them, but this one was the best of them all! <3 I loved the rhyming and the words you chose. It all seemed to go perfectly together. 
I look forward to reading another rap of yours.
Thank you very much! ^_^