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Moonlight: Chapter One

by Danni88


Maia peered round the door, heart thumping. Eve, where are you? she thought, pulling out her mobile and texting her sister for the fifteenth time. 

Some girls meet with their sisters to see a movie. Some take a walk in the park. Some go unicorn spotting. 

Maia Silvertongue was a fairy, and not just any fairy. She was second in line to the throne of Fairyland. Sometimes she wished she was the daughter of somebody nice and normal, like a doctor, or a baker. 

She sighed. Eve had promised to be there early. Eve? she texted. You're late. 

Message failed to send. 

This was getting serious now. She stuffed her phone back into her pocket. It wasn't like Eve to miss an appointment. Then again, maybe she had just broken her phone and forgotten all about the meeting. Maia had been looking forward to this for weeks. She didn't get to have much fun since her mother left. 

She sighed again and stepped out of the shadows. Back to her ordinary, boring life.

Suddenly, a hand clamped over her mouth and a bag was pulled over her head. Maia let out a muffled scream and kicked out wildly. Her assailant yelped, but didn't loosen their grip. Maia went limp, frantically trying to comprehend what had happened. 

"Steady on," said the mysterious kidnapper. It was a male voice, and sounded quite young. "I'm not going to hurt you." 

 "Let - me - go!" Maia managed to squeak through the bag. 

The boy laughed. "Sorry, Princess. I think not. We're almost there." 

Maia's blood ran cold. "P-princess? What do you mean?" 

"You fairies think you're all princes and princesses, living the high life. Nobody thinks about us anymore." 

Maia thrashed. "Who are you? Who is 'us'?" 

The bag was roughly ripped off her head to reveal... a small boy, just a kid, with dark curly hair and piercing green eyes. 

Despite herself, Maia began to laugh. "How old are you, twelve? Please!" 

The boy snarled at her. "I'm fourteen!" 

Maia rolled her eyes. "So am I. But I don't go around abducting people, pint-size. What do you want with me anyway?" 

"Don't call me that!" 

"Honestly. You've kidnapped me, made fun of fairies, appear to be part of some magical race of beings and you're smaller than me." 

He glared at her. "If you must know, I wanted a frie-" he caught himself. "I wanted someone to... er... have as a prisoner. Like in books." 

Maia softened her tone a little. "Well, you picked the wrong person. I can just chill here, with no Aunt Lou- no people to be horrible to me." 

He's obviously lonely, she thought, but he still kidnapped me! I can't go too soft on him, but I can't be too hard either. 

She forced a smile. "OK, then. Let's start over. I'm Maia Silv- Maia Willow. What's your name?" 

He smiled happily. "I'm Loki. The trickster god."  


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Mon Aug 13, 2018 11:02 am
zaminami wrote a review...



Yo! Tis be zami, here to review you very very late :P

So the first thing that I noticed about this chapter is that things move super fast with legit no background context. I haven't read the other reviews, so I'm not sure if the other hoomans commented on it, but I want to comment anyways.

It would help to have a first chapter of just exposition, or even a prologue of it. Do what Tolkein did with the first book of LOTR--have an entire prologue on the politics and species of his world to help out the reader. If the reader skip it, then it's their fault.

As this is an older work, I don't really blame past!Danni for being choppy, but being both choppy and fast are a bad combination, which is what this chapter is here. The fact that many of the sentences look the same in length (though that could just be YWS formatting :P) and that most of this chapter is dialogue and small description doesn't help either. I would do more description and transitioning words/phrases/paragraphs to make it more flowy and fun to read.

I did like the twist in the end, though, but knowing you I saw that coming a mile away :P He's also quite out of character, but I do that too so I can't depricate (or however tf you spell it) you for it lmao. I'm also assuming that this is a fanfiction? This seems like a fanfiction to me, since I know that you're basing this off of Marvel's Loki.

((The real Loki s a ginger btw))

I would also expect Loki to flirt with her a little bit.

Despite herself, Maia began to laugh. "What are you, twelve? Please!"

The boy grinned at her. "On a scale of one to ten, yes."


((bold is what I changed, obviously))

But I would expect him to do something like that. I love to make my characters flirt; you can always ask me for flirting tips.

Anyways, that's really all I have to say for this chapter. Time to move on to Chapter 2!

Have a fantabulous ay!

this review was brought to you by zaminami, goddess of your soul

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Fri Aug 10, 2018 11:35 pm
zaminami says...



Do you still want me to review this and Chapter 2? I know that I'm late, but I wanted to review everything and get allllll caught up on my thread while I'm not in a funk :P




Danni88 says...


Yes please!



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Fri Jan 05, 2018 7:02 am
SirenCymbaline wrote a review...



Hi there. You got a strong start, but there's a few holes that kind of hold this story back a bit.

'Sometimes she wished she was the daughter of somebody nice and normal, like a doctor, or a baker.'
'Back to her ordinary, boring life.'

Firstly, that's pretty contradictory. But there's more to it than that. If her life is ordinary, then that means she must not have a lot of princess duties to complain about.
While it definitely makes sense for royalty to get tired of all the studying and the protocol, the 'being a princess is hard, why can't I just be normal' thing has gotten old nowadays.
Especially when it's paired with 'I want ADVENTURE'. Then it's 'I wish I could be normal, but also, you know, special.' That one usually just makes a character look entitled and grumpy.

While the prospect of fairies with modern technology is fun, this needs more worldbuilding.
Maia seems to be living a modern life but with unicorns and magic.
I don't know what a fairy is, or what this society is like. I don't know what Maia's duties as princess are, or how her life is different from anybody else's.
I don't even know how her life is different from a human's. (Besides the unicorns and magic.)

You gave a good picture of who Maia is. She's plucky, argumentative, wants to be independent. But I wish I could understand where she's coming from.
She complains about people being mean to her, her aunt specifically, but I have no idea exactly how they treat her and why. Is her aunt pushing her too hard? is she strict but fair, or just strict? Who else is mean to Maia? I get why her aunt would be able to be strict with her, but she's a friggin princess. Why would everyone else be mean to her, too?

The plot moves forward at a good pace, that's good.

Keep it up, let's see where you can take this.




Danni88 says...


Thanks! This really helped and I will take up your ideas for my next chapter. You learn more about Maia as the story progresses, but at the start she is kinda mysterious.



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Sun Dec 17, 2017 3:26 am
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :smt020

SO ITS ABOUT TIME I REVIEW THIS. If I like it, I will review the other chapters. And yes, I know this is old but F*** IT!

So, to start off this review, the first thing I noticed is that the line ""Let - me - go!" Maia managed to squeak through the bag. " should look like this ""Let... me... go!" Maia managed to squeak through the bag. It will show that there was pause when saying each word. Or you could Ilatize each word to emphaize it. ((my spelling was horrible here by Talos!))

Otherwise, I liked the story. I might read the other chapters and please, come up with a better name then Fairyland. I know that you can do better!

Overall, I liked the story and keep up the good work! Happy Thanks- WAIT, MERRY CHRISTMAS, I CAN SAY THAT NOW! OR HAPPY HANUKA! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!




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Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:01 pm
shima wrote a review...



Yeah, it's me here. Sorry for the delay - lotsa stuff to do. So I read your little story and I liked it. What else can I say - it is nicely written, evenly paced. The characters sound nice, from what I could tell. It looks and feels like a (relatively) normal fantasy story - although I cannot say whether or not this is going to be anything really unique since I have only the first chapter to read. It felt a little slow at times, but for the rest it was nice. IMHO - the copious amounts of dialogue make it a little difficult to read, but still it is not that big of an issue.
Looking forward to reading the next chapter. :-)




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Fri Jul 14, 2017 6:05 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Me again!

Other people have gone pretty in-depth about the first few paragraphs, characterization, and description (plus I touched on those last two in the other chapter I reviewed). What I really want to talk about is pacing, particularly in this spot.

Suddenly, a hand clamped over her mouth and a bag was pulled over her head. Maia let out a muffled scream and kicked out wildly. Her assailant yelped, but didn't loosen their grip. Maia went limp, frantically trying to comprehend what had happened.

"Steady on," said the mysterious kidnapper. It was a male voice, and sounded quite young. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"Let - me - go!" Maia managed to squeak through the bag.

The boy laughed. "Sorry, Princess. I think not. We're almost there."

Maia's blood ran cold. "P-princess? What do you mean?"

"You fairies think you're all princes and princesses, living the high life. Nobody thinks about us anymore."

Maia thrashed. "Who are you? Who is 'us'?"

The bag was roughly ripped off her head to reveal... a small boy, just a kid, with dark curly hair and piercing green eyes.

Despite herself, Maia began to laugh. "How old are you, twelve? Please!"

The boy snarled at her. "I'm fourteen!"

Maia rolled her eyes. "So am I. But I don't go around abducting people, pint-size. What do you want with me anyway?"

"Don't call me that!"

"Honestly. You've kidnapped me, made fun of fairies, appear to be part of some magical race of beings and you're smaller than me."


The kidnapping happens so quickly! When I first skimmed this, just to know what was going on in chapter two, I was like, "Wait, where was the kidnapping everyone talked about?" Because it's kind of snuck in there. But it's such a dramatic thing that's happening, you should really pay more attention to it. Some questions to consider:

How far does Loki take Maia? Is it a long journey? On that note, where exactly did he kidnap her from? I was picturing them at a park for some reason, but looking back it looks like you never actually showed us where we were in the story started off. What kind of bag does he put over her head? Can she see anything at all, even a bit of light through the fabric, or is she totally blind? Is she scared when she's being dragged along to wherever they're going? (We get a slight sense of that, but I'm not really feeling it, if that makes sense.) For that matter, how does this small fourteen-year-old boy get her wherever they're going? He just drags her along and somehow is strong enough to make her do what he wants?

Including details like this will draw the scene out and create more suspense, ultimately making for a more exciting story.

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Thu Jul 13, 2017 4:03 am
GinaERufo wrote a review...



Hi :) I know I may be a little late on reviewing, but I figured that since I just saw that you posted chapter 2 I figured that I would give you a review on this first before I did that one so, here I go!

So I didn't find many grammatical or literary mistakes, but I think your sentences in the beginning were a tiny bit choppy, but that may just be personal preference. Overall, I enjoyed reading this :)




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Mon Jun 26, 2017 12:36 pm
RishabhParmar wrote a review...



HI,
Wow, I loved this chapter. While reading i was thinking about Thor and hobbit. Nice story, I love to see converting it into a good novel. Starting of this novel generated a curiosity. It was good. In the middle, my efficacy went up. When the story lunged.
It is cool to read fairy thingummy. I want to read the second episode. The ending is superb. Loved the concept. Hope you publish second episode soon.
I am curious to know the story related to the trickster god and a fairy.

Keep up the good work.

:)




Danni88 says...


Thanks! You know, I never thought about Thor but you've given me a great idea x





Ideas are transferable...I love to tear-off more........Good work!!!1



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Mon Jun 26, 2017 1:55 am
Cook9285 wrote a review...



This was pretty good. It seemed a little fast paced for a first chapter, and I got confused on whether or not she's a princess. The introduction to your characters is pretty good but I'd like a bit more description. I do love the ending though, throwing a well-known name into the mix, very nice! Overall it was great but I'd just watch how fast it goes, I have the same problem.




Danni88 says...


Thanks so much! I am quite bad at first chapter description. This is more of a prologue than an actual chapter. Maia is very secretive about her life but I don't mind telling you... she is a princess (but Loki doesn't know that).



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Sun Jun 25, 2017 11:07 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Good lord how did you manage to get 4 reviews already xD I was hoping for a Green Room review :P No matter, onwards!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Maia's blood ran cold. "P-princess? What do you mean?"

"You fairies think you're all princes and princesses, living the high life. Nobody thinks about us anymore."

Wait I thought she literally was a princess?

appear to be part of some magical race of beings

Some more description here would be useful. I didn't really get that impression.

I'm Maia Silv- Maia Willow

Ohhh ok he doesn't know who she is. Maybe have her mention to us that she realises this.

Overall:

Character: I really like both your characters! I'm a little unsure how Maia compares herself to other people. In any books I've read, fairies have been a very insular - and often quite superior - race, who wouldn't really know what the silly mortals did, never mind be jealous. Maybe you're going in a different direction with this though, since she also has a mobile phone, so we'll see.

Setting: A bit more here could be useful. You have no idea how much I love fairies/faeries/the fey. There is nothing I love more than the description of fairy kingdoms :P

Plot: Awwww this is so sweet so far! I love the idea of her feeling sorry for him and how subtle yet obvious your hinting at his motivations are, and a lovely cliffhanger as well.

Good job and let me know when the next part is up,
Biscuits :)




Danni88 says...


Thanks so much Biscuits! You're right, the other fairies are a bit snooty but she sympathises with the mortals and tries to be like them. As I said in an earlier reply, this is more of a prologue so definitely will improve. She is a princess, but she is embarrassed about it and Loki just calls her 'Princess' because he thinks she's posh. The magical race of beings is the gods of Asgard. It's the bit when he says 'nobody thinks about us anymore' that signifies that he's not alone.



ExOmelas says...


Okay, that's all fine, as long as everything you've said in there comes out in story. For a normal reader who won't be able to interact with you, that's all they'll have :P



Danni88 says...


:P Thanks again!



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Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:43 pm
tgirly wrote a review...



Overall, I think you’ve got a really strong beginning here, and it sounds like your story’s going to be really interesting. My main critique would be that you need to explain the setting a bit better, because I can’t really see the environment around Maia very well, and it would also be useful to explain a bit more of the world that you’ve got set up. I know Maia’s a princess, but I don’t know how much power that affords her, and I don’t know how well-respected the fairies are by the other races, or what other creatures there are. I definitely don’t want an info-dump at the beginning of the story, but incorporating more information about these things into your scenes is going to be imperative to your reader’s understanding of the story as you continue along.

Now onto the line level critique:

“Maia peered round the door, heart thumping. Eve, where are you? she thought, pulling out her mobile and texting her sister for the fifteenth time.
Some girls meet with their sisters to see a movie. Some take a walk in the park. Some go unicorn spotting.
Maia Silvertongue was a fairy, and not just any fairy. She was second in line to the throne of Fairyland. Sometimes she wished she was the daughter of somebody nice and normal, like a doctor, or a baker.”
So, the information you’ve told me in these first three paragraphs is really interesting and intriguing. You’ve provided a lot of relevant information. I know that it’s a fantasy story, set in modern times. I know that the main character is Maia, and she has a sister named Eve who’s probably going to have a significant role, and there’s at least a bit of conflict between those two characters. The biggest problem I have with these paragraphs, however, is that they feel a little disjointed. The first one drops us in this scene right away with the conflict beginning to occur, with Maia probably hiding and worrying about her sister and not knowing where she is. The second paragraph, which I love by the way, feels like a second attempt at starting, and it’d also be a strong opening, but it just feels completely separate from the scene established in the first paragraph. And then the third paragraph provides us with the knowledge that Maia is a fairy and the conflict between her dad, but again it doesn’t seem very relevant to the two first paragraphs. Perhaps by expanding the scene before moving on, or moving the second and third paragraph before the first and expanding them a bit more, you could make the beginning more cohesive?

“She didn't get to have much fun since her mother left.” This is really interesting and is starting to tell us really important information about Maia’s backstory, but I think it needs to be expanded a bit more. It’s too important a detail for you not to explain it a little more, give us a better understanding about why she’s can’t have fun anymore, and if this has affected her in other ways.

“Her assailant yelped, but didn't loosen their grip.” I feel like she should be able to tell from the yelp the gender of the assailant, so you wouldn’t need to use ‘their’.

“Maia rolled her eyes. "So am I. But I don't go around abducting people, pint-size. What do you want with me anyway?”” Ha! I love her sass here. Really nice.

“He smiled happily. "I'm Loki. The trickster god." “ This is a wonderful way to the end the chapter! It’s incredibly unexpected, and it hooks the reader for the next one. Excellently done.

I hope I get a chance to read the next chapter, and I hope this review was helpful! Oh, and welcome to YWS! :)

-tgirly




Danni88 says...


Thanks so much Tgirly! I am so glad you liked it. I love the idea of Loki being a kid, I have read lots of stories about the Norse gods and they are all adults. The next chapter will be out soon!



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Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:29 pm
Chaska wrote a review...



Hey there!
So, I'm going to drop a quick review down here, I'll run through nitpicks and things first and then we'll get down to the good stuff.
Okay, here goes:

The boy laughed. "Sorry, Princess. I think not. We're almost there."

I understand that this part of your chapter is supposed to be fast paced. However, it's a little too fast paced. For example, here you haven't actually mentioned that they were moving. Why does Maia go limp? Does she fall unconscious, why has she suddenly stopped fighting? These are things that you need to tell your reader. What is she feeling in these moments? Tell us. The more information that you give to your reader the easier it will be for them to picture what exactly is going on.

Maia's blood ran cold. "P-princess? What do you mean?"

You've already explained that she is a princess, why is she questioning it? Does she not think that he should know? Why is she so sure that it isn't a fairy kidnapping her who knows who she is? Explain this to the reader. Let us see Maia's thoughts, it will make it easier to relate to her and understand how she feels.

He glared at her. "If you must know, I wanted a frie-" he caught himself. "I wanted someone to... er... have as a prisoner. Like in books."

Maia softened her tone a little. "Well, you picked the wrong person. I can just chill here, with no Aunt Lou- no people to be horrible to me."

Okay, so speech stumbling can be really effective. However, use in moderation. Here for example both your characters do it directly after one another. It makes their speech patterns a little similar and is a little repetitive.

I'm Maia Silv- Maia Willow.

You do it again here, it would be reasonable to assume that after stumbling once your character would be more aware of it. Especially when it comes to their name, think about if this was a real life exchange. If your friend stumbled on their last name and then changed it to something completely different, you'd notice. So, if you're going to do this, perhaps Loki would notice it too?

One more suggestion, description. The more of it you have the easier it is for the reader to imagine what is going on. Think of it like describing the world to a blind person. Like, throughout this whole chapter you don't actually mention setting at all. What does your world look like? What does Maia look like?

Aside from that your story is off to a really interesting start. There's an element of mystery about what's going to happen next which is great, because it makes us wonder what's going to happen next! I also really like how you've told the story through dialogue while not relying upon it excessively, you have the balance in that perfectly. Your grammar looks great to me, which is great! And yep, you've made a great start! I can't wait to see what you do with it next.
I hope this didn't sound too harsh, and hope that it helped.
Chas




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Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:25 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Danni88, congratulations on your first post! I'm here to leave a few comments on your piece for Review Day!

I really like the tension you establish in the opening line, good for pulling readers in with an immediate conflict and a bit of a mystery.

I'm a bit lost to what this beginning part is describing:

"Some girls meet with their sisters to see a movie. Some take a walk in the park. Some go unicorn spotting.
-- is this just like the setting? I would maybe vary your sentence beginnings here for a bit of variety and maybe clarify who is seeing these things happening and where.

In the sentence where you say that it wasn't like Eve to miss an apointment it might be good to clarify what type of appointment it is. What exactly are they waiting for?

I like the bit of dialogue between the captor and Maia -- it's kind of humorous how he keeps second guessing himself while Maia makes fun of him.

I don't understand what is meant by "I can just chill here, with no Aunt Lou - no people to be horrible to me" -- I think you should have established who Aunt Lou is prior to this point so that the reader doesn't have to guess at what Maia's meaning.

So overall, some positives: I like the bits of plot development you have so far, you do a good job of keeping the pace exciting and the plot moving so readers stay interested. It's only chapter one and the princess fairy has already been captured and you've left us on a cliff-hanger.

I also think you did a great job editing for grammar and spelling - I really didn't catch any issues so the piece looks quite polished and I thought the dialogue sounded natural.

A few suggestions: I'd like to see a bit more character development in the beginning chapters especially for the Maia - I'm interested as to what fairies look like in this world you've set up, and what her relationship is with her sister and family etc. You do a bit of this, but it might be good to have a bit more.

I would also love to know more about the setting of your piece - where are we? what time period? Are there humans or just fantasy creatures? Is there magic? This is all something you can establish going forward in the piece, but also something as a reader I immediately started wondering about.

Overall, great start! Good luck in the rest of your writing if you continue with this piece!

Best,
~alliyah

This Review was brought to you by Team Cardinals! Happy Review Day!




Danni88 says...


Thanks, Alli! This is more of a prologue than a chapter. Maia's mother left when she was small and her dad is often away, so she is left with her Aunt Lou, who is horrible to her and Eve. She and Eve are very close. Maia is embarrassed about her life as a princess with Aunt Lou, so she tries to keep it from Loki.
Best wishes, Dan x



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Sun Jun 25, 2017 7:21 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi Buddy! So I normally start these things off by rambling about what I'm up to or whatever my thoughts generally are at the time. Like, I'm aiming to write at least 3 reviews today and then I get to go and have a yogurt and this is review 3 but I promise I won't rush! I'm not that desperate for a treat... yet ;)

Then I'm going to give you some line-by-line kind of comments that I think of as I read through and at the end , I'll make some more general observations about key things like the plots/ characters. So let's make a start!

Specifics

1. What does Maia see when she peers around the door? This is a really good chance for you to tell us where she is and to start to set the scene with some description. I think with first chapters, it's best to either come in with some exciting action or with some description which will let us start to imagine the scene. It's even better if you can do both and you've got the furtive behaviour and the worry from Maia which is great but the description of the room would give us what we need to be drawn into the story.

2. As an aside, I love the name Maia. It's really pretty but also brings to mind Maya and makes me think strong, female lead right from the go because how can someone named for a goddess not be strong?

3. When you say the message failed to send,is this because Maia has no signal? My phone only tells me a message failed to send if it's an issue with my own phone. Normally when it's a problem with the other persons, I don't find out for days that they didn't get my message. I think you could take that sentence out and not lose anything from the story and at the moment it's raising a few too many distracting questions.

4.

The boy laughed. "Sorry, Princess. I think not. We're almost there."
This seems an odd sentence - have they started moving somewhere? If not, it feels like this is out of place.

5.
He glared at her. "If you must know, I wanted a frie-" he caught himself. "I wanted someone to... er... have as a prisoner. Like in books."
This line is beautiful and makes me love this boy, whoever he is. Instant love.

6.
Maia softened her tone a little. "Well, you picked the wrong person. I can just chill here, with no Aunt Lou- no people to be horrible to me."
I think I'm probably missing a reference here - who's Aunt Lou? I found the sentence confusing anyway.

Overall

This is a fun start! And I'm not surprised I like the kid since he's Loki, though it does make me wonder if he was being sincere about wanting a prisoner or if he's just playing games with her. Either way, it's a good hook and I'm liking both the characters.

I think a little more description to tell us where they are would help and do they move from one location to another before Loki pulls the bag off Maia's head?

I'm also still wondering what she was meeting with her sister about but maybe not knowing adds a nice element of mystery to the story so I don't think you have to fill the details in there.

In terms of plot, there hasn't been enough to really judge it yet but I guess we have a princess fairy sneaking around to meet her sister, a hint that her mother has gone away somewhere and that's probably going to be significant later and now she has been taken by a trickster God. She doesn't seem particularly worried once she realises he's smaller than that - is this because she's confident in her magic abilities which I'm assuming she has? Or does she just not feel like he's going to be able to overpower her?

Either way, I think you have enough interesting things happening to keep people reading so good work there!

I hope this helps a little and let me know when you've posted the next chapter :)

~Heather




Danni88 says...


Thanks! That's really helpful Heather, you're the best. You find out more about Maia's life in later chapters. I love the name Maia too, she's named for my cousin Mia. Spoiler alert... Loki was lonely on Asgard because he's the only kid, so he thought he could kidnap her ans she might be his friend. Maia has quite strong magical abilities, but can't control them very well.
Thanks so much again!



Rydia says...


No problem, I'm looking forward to the next chapter!



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Danni88 says...



The first part of my story...





Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice