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Moonlight:Chapter Two

by Danni88


Maia smiled. "Very funny, kiddo. Now come on, joke's over. Who are you really?"

She glanced around the room. It was small, with two bookshelves, a bed, a table and a few framed photographs scattered around. They depicted a pretty blonde lady surrounded by cats, a huge muscly man Maia could only assume was Thor, what appeared to be a Bruce Springsteen concert and Loki with a grey puppy.

"Hey, I'm not lying!" he protested.

"All right, let's say you're Loki. You're a teenager. Also, in all the stories I read, Loki was evil." 

He glared at her. "Oh, yeah? Well, in all the stories I've read, fairies are two inches high! And you're not telling me something. You slipped up about your aunt and surname earlier!" 

Maia was startled for a second, before regaining her composure. "OK, so you are Loki. How come you're a teenager? And not evil?" 

Loki shrugged. "Don't ask me. Nobody tells me anything around here." 

Maia bit her lip. She wanted to tell him that she was just the same, that everyone treated her like an annoying jacket that they had to wear but couldn't stand. But she couldn't risk it. Instead she said sarcastically, "I wonder why. Well, I'll be off, now that we've gotten past introductions." 

Loki looked at her with one eyebrow raised. "Nuh-uh. You still haven't told me about your slip-ups."

She growled. "You irritating - boy. I AM a princess, OK? My aunt is horrible to me, and I have to get back before anyone notices! Alright, happy now?" 

Loki opened his mouth, but was interrupted by an oversized wolfhound puppy charging in, which appeared to be the same one from the picture grown a bit. It bounded round the room and leapt up at Maia, sniffing her excitedly. She laughed. "Is he yours?" 

"Yes," Loki said, trying to calm the puppy down. "His name's Fenrir."

"What, like the wolf?" 

He considered. "Like the opposite of the wolf."

Maia grinned. "Funny. I love dogs." 

"Oh, now you're talking to me," he said sarcastically.

She gave him a look. "Well, I-" she was cut off by a loud crash from behind the door. "What was that?" 

Loki grabbed something from under the bed- a long sword. "Get behind me!" 

Maia quavered as the door swung open with a crash. A tall man stormed into the room. He was completely black -hair, clothes, skin- except for his smouldering red eyes. 

"Maia Silvertongue," he hissed in a serpentine voice. "The Darkness King requires you." 


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Mon Aug 13, 2018 11:13 am
zaminami wrote a review...



Yo! I [i]will[/ii] defeat everyone else in the battle of reviewers, so I guess I should start by reviewing the stuff that I got months/a year ago :P

Who said that I don't follow up on my promises?

Moving on, I will echo 'bout everyone else here by saying that description and characterization would be nice. Now, I know that this is a first draft, but it feels kind of bland with just small descriptor paragraphs and dialogue. Gordon Ramsey would say to add a little more (uh, let's not get into that word) spice. Be a little bold. Too much is better than too little.

I very much somehow doubt that Maia, the character that she is, would immediately say that to a total stranger like Loki. I also would add something like that if she complained, she would get punished or something. Just to add a little more flavor and conflict in your work.

Why the heckers does Loki just have a sword on his bed.

Anyways, you also have a grammar issue. I see this all around YWS and honestly, since a very nice reviewer corrected me, I did the same thing! Instead of dashes being like this:

oof- roasted


or this:

oof - roasted


(though that one's more acceptable), it should be like this:

oof--roasted


And if you have a Mac, hold down the Alt/option button and his the dash button to create an ideal one. Unfortunately, I don't believe that the other keyboards have that ;-;

Oh no it's Surt! However, Surt doesn't, in fact, look like what's in the Magnus Chase books/Marvel. If you would look up pictures that the Old Norse drew way back when, you would see differences. I would recommend doing that.

Freya is very pretty! She has cats!

Otherwise, I don't really have anything else to say. :)

Have a fantabulous day!

this review was brought to you by zaminami, goddess of all

{insert non-existant banner here}




Danni88 says...


You mean like this? _
Thanks for the review! I will definitely work on my description more.



zaminami says...


No

Like this: --



Danni88 says...


Oh, because that's what happened when I did the alt dash thing
Nvm I'll just stick to the --



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Fri Jan 19, 2018 5:38 pm
NoOvens wrote a review...



Hi, I really liked this chapter. I think the part I most enjoy was that you dived right into the action, and it was really exciting to read.
The first thing I want to say is the characters you have show their personality while talking, and it's cute! I think you could also add more details on their individual ticks, which you already do, but I think you could make it more specific to only them.
Another thing that you could do is add more sensual detail, like "Maia shuddered in the cold, trying to tighten the thin layer that snaked around her body." Idk. You don't override the story with to much detail, and that's what I enjoy most.
Maybe just add a couple of small moments, but overall I really liked this chapter! The interaction between the characters is great and I love the little hints you've hidden for each of the characters.




Danni88 says...


Thanks! XD



NoOvens says...


no prob bob *finger guns*



Danni88 says...


*finger guns back*



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Mon Oct 30, 2017 11:02 pm
shima wrote a review...



So...getting to chapter two...story is finally taking shape, I guess. Got one question though - this apparently ain't a proper magic universe, more like an urban-fantasy type of deal, right? Since in the first chapter you mentioned the main character having a cell-phone and in this one you mention Thor on a Bruce Springsteen concert (which is an awesome concept) so that would mean that it is in some way connected to the modern world? Seeing how she is the princess of their magical kingdom, does this mean that their world has magic and technology? Is it then publicly available? Or is it an Artemis Fowl-type of deal, when the fairies live underground and they only have our technology because reasons? Or is it a fluent interconnection between the two? Man, I know - I am getting a bit deep into this. Got distracted. Another nice chapter, the pacing has bettered. More descriptions - good, I like descriptions (they fuel my imagination). Love what you did to Fenrir - appropriate name for a puppy (I think - really hope he doesn't grow up to be legendary Fenrir, cause then we screwed.) It is, imho, quite logical that he's a puppy, 'cause Loki is a teen now so I guess everyone changed their age accordingly. It is interesting what you did at the end though - before that one (like me, heh) could sincerely believe that Loki kidnapped her for personal reasons or smthng. (seeing how she's a princess and gods generally like princesses, wouldn't be too weird). Thought it is interesting that Loki is suddenly trying to protect her - maybe he is not the bad guy after all and wanted to save her all along ? That looks interesting, great hook to lure people into the next chapter, that way they want to read what's gonna happen next (or it could be just me and my curious nature). Anyhow - great chapter. Looking forward to the next one.




Danni88 says...


Yeah, its definitely more an urban fantasy thing. I have actually published the third chapter but it needs some more work, so I'd wait a week or so then read it as its not at its best.
Thanks for liking my stories!!



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Fri Jul 14, 2017 3:43 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

So first of all, I'd like to echo Rydia and some of the other reviewers in saying this needs more characterization and description. The cool thing is, you can use description to aid characterization - two birds, one stone! We're in Loki's room, and you did give us a bit about who was in the photos and what posters he had. I can see you've already taken this advice to heart, which is good! But in future drafts, you could take this even further. Example (and I admit this might just be me because I'm curious about this kind of thing): what's he got in the bookshelves? Are there books, comic books, or maybe he uses them for something else completely? What kind of books does he read?

I'm especially curious about this since you've got a trickster god and a fairy, but also cell phones, photographs, and Bruce Springsteen. It's an interesting mix of fantasy/fairy tale and modern day real life.

But I can tell you've already done a bit of rewriting here, so it looks like you at least understand what needs doing!

A couple other things.

You're a teenager. Also, in all the stories I read, Loki was evil.


I've never heard of Loki as evil (except technically in the Marvelverse, I guess) - he's a trickster, and tricksters tend to cause trouble, but they're not evil, per se. But it seems like Maia's got some preconception of Loki as someone evil, and I'm not sure why. What stories has she been reading?

That said, I skimmed chapter one so I'd know what was happening in the story. And despite what I just said about Loki not really being evil, I'm not sure why Maia's so friendly toward him and thinks he's not evil when he just threw a bag over her head and kidnapped her!

It would help if we got a reason for him doing so. Was he just living up to his trickster name? Did he need a fairy for something? Is he trying to ransom her for gold/whatever the fairies can give him? Has he seen her before and realized she was unhappy with her aunt but would never leave on her own? Knowing his reasons for kidnapping her could make it easier to believe she befriends him so quickly.

Also:

"What, like the wolf?"

He considered. "Like the opposite of the wolf."


I'm not sure what was meant by "opposite" here, as dogs and wolves aren't opposites. Maybe I'm missing something? Unless you meant the puppy's personality is opposite of Fenrir's, maybe.

She wanted to tell him that she was just the same, that everyone treated her like an annoying jacket that they had to wear and couldn't stand.


This is a great description (although I'd probably change that "and" to "but"). It's such a vivid image and explains to us perfectly how Maia feels in the bosom of her own family. Well done.

She gave him a look. "Well, I-" she was cut off by a loud crash from behind the door. "What was that?"

Loki grabbed something from under the bed- a long sword. "Get behind me!"

Maia quavered as the door swung open with a crash. A tall man stormed into the room. He was completely black -hair, clothes, skin- except for his smouldering red eyes.

"Maia Silvertongue," he hissed in a serpentine voice. "The Darkening King requires you."


A strong ending! We're left wondering who the Darkening King is, what he wants with Maia, and who this mysterious stranger is. Additionally, I'm curious to know if Loki knows the answers to these questions and if that's why he grabbed his sword even before he saw who the intruder was.

All right, I think I'm gonna go back and review chapter one!

Image




Danni88 says...


Thanks! :D



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Fri Jul 14, 2017 11:11 am
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Danni88 says...



Made changes! I SO wanted to make Loki like Ed Sheeran but I didn't want him to be just a male version of me, so I made him like Mom's favourite singer instead.




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Thu Jul 13, 2017 5:22 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Yay, time for chapter two!

Specifics

1.

She glanced around the room. It was small, with two bookshelves, a bed, a table and a few framed photographs scattered around.
Who is in the photos? This is a really key detail and would help us quickly understand more about where they are/ Loki's situation. Is it Loki and other people or are they people Maia has never seen before?

2.
Maia was startled for a second, before regaining her composure. "OK, so you are Loki. How come you're a teenager? And not evil?"
Why does she presume he's not evil? He kidnapped her and could be playing her for all she knows with the whole story about being lonely.

3.
Maia bit her lip. She wanted to tell him that she was just the same, that everyone treated her like an annoying jacket that they had to wear but couldn't stand it.


4.
"Maia Silvertongue," it hissed in a serpentine voice. "The Darkening King requires you,"
This should end with a full stop instead of a comma.

Overall

You've got some fun dialogue here which helps to build the characters and their relationship with each other but what you're really missing is description! We don't know much about the room, other than the brief details you give us at the start, and very little about the characters. Extra details which would help are things like what they are wearing/ what they look like/ do they have any character tells. For example, does Loki scuff the floor with his shoe when he's being sullen? Does Maia tug on her hair when she's frustrated? Those are both very common but you could have something more unusual - maybe one of your characters has a tendency to look at their watch all the time? Or to pat their pocket to check an important item is still there? Think of the things you find yourself doing while in an every day situation and pick a few which you can give to your characters to help us picture them and to help make them that little bit more 'real'.

Then think about a few key objects in the scene which you can describe that will help us have a feel for where they are. The bed tells us it's a bedroom but does it look like a boy's bedroom? Is it obviously Loki's and if so, what boy stuff does he have? Guitars on the wall? Drawings? Or maybe he has a poster of a favourite band? These kind of details will help to build the atmosphere more.

The plot was fun and the chapter could probably be longer but once you add in some more description, it won't feel quite so short.

Let me know when you have the next one up!

~Heather




Danni88 says...


Yikes sorry I just noticed that comma! %uD83D%uDE33Sorry if it was a bit short... I wrote in a hurry. Thanks!
Danni x



Danni88 says...


I don't know what that code thing is



Rydia says...


The comments section does that sometimes - it doesn't like apostophes and some other kinds of punctuation.



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Thu Jul 13, 2017 3:34 pm
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello Danni88!

I have so many questions! Must... Not... Ask... Questions... Must... Wait... And... Read... I can't wait for the next chapter, I need to know things! You have me hooked. Okay, there are a few things I would like to discuss- regarding the mythology. You do not need to listen to me. First off, in the mythology Fenrir was Loki's son, and knowing that and reading this- well that was interesting. Also in the original mythology Loki isn't so much evil as he'll do anything that benefits him. He's more neutral- he'll help anyone if otherwise bad things happen to him. I just wanted to make sure you know that. Do with the information what you please. Your bbcodes need a bit of work, but that was already mentioned. I like the characters, both Loki and Maia so far. I do question a bit why Loki went straight from kidnapping her to defending her. I didn't find any typos, so that's good. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more!

~Kelpies




Danni88 says...


AARGH I just noticed the bbcodes! The fact Fenrir is Loki's son attracted me to the idea of having him as a dog, well spotted! Have you read the first one? I must say, this is a bit short and I am not as pleased with it as the first.



Kelpies says...


I have read it. I can't remember if I commented on it or not... XD I do remember it though!



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Thu Jul 13, 2017 2:06 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey, I'm back again, here for my Team Tortoise review of the day :)

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Maia was startled for a second, before regaining her composure. "OK, so you are Loki. How come you're a teenager? And not evil?"

What about him having picked up on this made it clear that he was definitely Loki? I don't really get that. Also, how does she know he isn't evil? ;)

She wanted to tell him that she was just the same, that everyone treated her like an annoying jacket that they had to wear but couldn't stand it.

That's a really nice image ^.^

He considered. "Like the opposite of the wolf."

You don't need to use bbcode in works xD There's an italics button in the top toolbar :P

Overall:

Character: You do well with making me feel sympathy for Maia here, and also for Loki, just through the way he seems a bit sullen from time to time. It's all very subtle, which is good.

I do think I'd like a bit more though. This is a pretty short chapter and I would be complaining if it was a pretty long chapter too, because it would be a lot of work to review it, but there is a balance to be struck. You don't really give me that much time to get to know the characters, which makes it harder to engage when the plot moves forward.

Not impossible though, it would just be easier if I had more characterisation. Oh for example, what is each character's reactions to the man? That would make me more scared rather than curious about what is going to happen.

Setting: Other than that one line near the start there isn't a lot. It's been a while since I read the last chapter but I don't think there was that much there either. Setting is quite important in a story not set in the real world, so a few more details would be appreciated.

Plot: Now we get to my gushing. This story is really, really fun. And even the scary bits make me smile. Idk if that's what you were going for but I'm enjoying that. These two poor kids who have so much in common yet seem a bit disgruntled with each other, I'm really interested to see where their story goes.

Your pacing is also pretty good and other than the lack of reaction to the man, this is an interesting and imaginitive cliffhanger.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Danni88 says...


Thanks Biscuits! Sorry it was a bit short... wrote it in a rush. I promise to make the next one a good length!



Danni88 says...


BTW love your new avatar



ExOmelas says...


Awesome :)

Thank you!! :D



Danni88 says...


You're welcome x



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Wed Jul 12, 2017 6:38 pm
clarevelyn13 wrote a review...



Helloo there, Danni! I'm Clare, dropping by to give you a review!

I read the first chapter just before this one and I must tell you that I love this, and I love where it's going. It's the perfect fairytale story, and I like how simply it's begun. It's quite easy to follow and picture what's going on - so great work on your imagery!

Alrighty, time to get into my suggestions. I'm going to just go along sort of chronologically, I think that'd be easiest. 'Ere we go...

Honestly, I don't have many critiques. I think the back-and-forth banter between Maia and Loki is brilliant, and full of so much character - I think you've done pretty well setting up each of their personalities so far.

1.) One suggestion I have to make is in the eighth paragraph, where Maia is biting her lip. When she says, "I wonder why. Well, I'll be off, now we've got past introductions," I believe it would flow a bit better if you added the word "that" in there, and also change the tense of "got." It would look like this:

"I wonder why. Well, I'll be off, now that we've gotten past introductions."


2.) 'She wanted to tell him that she was just the same, that everyone treated her like an annoying jacket that they had to wear but couldn't stand it. But she couldn't risk it.'

I like this simile here. But I think the phrasing of it could be tweaked a little. Where it says, 'jacket that they had to wear but couldn't stand it," I would change the word "but" to "and." Here I would also just get rid of the word "it." So, the simile would look like this:

'...like an annoying jacket that they had to wear and couldn't stand.'

In my opinion, putting it this way makes this part less wordy and roll better off the tongue, especially since you say "but" and "it" right after one another in the very next sentence.


3.) 'She growled. "You irritating - boy..."'

I do like how you are using different words instead of "said" throughout your writing - a good practice to be in! Here is a good example of that. The only suggestion I have for this part is in the dialogue itself. If you replaced the dash with an ellipsis, so that it would look like this:

'She growled. "You irritating...boy..."' Sort of like she is fishing for a word, or wanting to call him some other word that is derogatory, but ends up just saying, "boy."

4.) Yay! I dog! I love dogs, so I was happy to read about one in your story, haha. But I'm wondering what happened to him or what he did when the tall, dark man burst in the door. Where did the puppy go? Don't forget to animate him, now that you have introduced him into the story!

5.) Also, when you introduce the dark figure, you say he is a man, and a "he." So I don't think you should call him "it" when he hisses at Maia - even if he is a gruesome creature that seems more like an "it" than a "he."

...And das it! Again, I love where this is going, and I can't wait for the next chapter! Keep up all the great work, and keep on writing :D Please let me know if anything I said doesn't make sense, or if you have questions, or whatever! Of course, you are the author, so ultimately your say goes. These suggestions are just that - suggestions!

Hopefully this review can help you out!

-- Clare




Danni88 says...


Thanks! That was really helpful and I hope you enjoy the third chapter just as much!



clarevelyn13 says...


Oh good I'm glad! And I'm sure I will ~ can't wait! :D



Danni88 says...


:D




And on the pedestal these words appear:/'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;/Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'/Nothing beside remains.
— Percy Bysshe Shelley