A/N FYI here is a picture of what I imagine Peridot to look like!
"Marfak's Peak?" Charlie whistled through his teeth. "My ma used to tell me that if I ever saw it, I was to run as fast as I could in the opposite direction and not look back."
"Well, we're going to have to go there." Maia sighed. "What is it, anyway?"
"It's a huge extinct volcano," explained Alfie. "It's possessed by an evil spirit that has been asleep for centuries. At the foot of it there's supposed to be a cave where dozens of evil masterminds hold base, but everyone who's tried to investigate it has never returned."
Everyone was silent as the words sank in. The moment was spoiled by Fenrir bounding across to Loki and jumping on him.
"Get off, you stupid dog!" Loki laughed. "But seriously, Maia, Marfak's Peak doesn't sound like the type of place you'd go for a picnic. We're going to have to plan this carefully."
What Maia's reply would have been we will never know, because at that moment a girl vaulted into the clearing.
She was wearing a black catsuit and her face was covered by a black mask. She carried a huge sword in one hand and a wand in the other.
"Get down on the floor and put your hands in the air!" she yelled.
Charlie, Alfie and Loki all kneeled down with their hands up. Maia, however, hurled herself at the girl with her sword drawn.
The girl wasn't expecting resistance. She tried to raise her own sword, but it was pointless. Maia disarmed her with a neat flick and pushed her to the ground. Alfie ran over with a piece of rope and tied her hands together behind her back, pulling off her mask.
She had long blonde hair, pale blue eyes and a friendly-looking face. She held herself with a regal demeanour that suggested she was quite posh. Not the type of girl you'd expect to see attacking people in the middle of a forest. She snarled angrily.
Charlie strolled up behind them, holding a large red stone. "All right, madam. This here is a truth stone. If anyone tells a lie it will begin to glow green, so be warned. There's no fooling it. We'll start with who you are."
"None of your business," she snapped in a thick American accent.
Maia held the sword to her throat. "Answer, or I'll cut off your head."
The girl glared at her. "My name is Peridot La Fens. I'm a witch."
"And what are you doing here?"
"My family owns this forest. I was told to kill any intruders I spotted."
"Charming hospitality," Loki muttered. "What do we do with her now?"
"Let me go," Peridot replied, brightening suddenly. "I promise I won't come after you."
The stone in Charlie's hand remained red. He looked at Maia. "She's not lying."
Maia nodded reluctantly and was about to untie the girl's hands when Loki stopped her.
"Wait, Maia! She might not come after us, but she'll go straight back and tell her family. Then they'll come after us and we might not be able to fight them off."
"Would you?" Alfie asked.
Peridot didn't reply.
Maia pressed the sword a little closer, so a thin line of blood appeared.
"Yes, that was my plan," she murmured, looking up. "Please don't kill me. I won't tell anyone, I promise. Just let me go."
"No," Maia decided, putting her sword back in its scabbard. "I don't want to kill you."
Peridot looked relieved. "Thank you!"
"But you're coming with us. You're too dangerous to leave here."
"What? No!" Peridot screamed, trying to get free of the rope binding her hands. Charlie snapped his fingers and it changed into iron handcuffs.
Maia yanked her upright. "Yes. Behave and we might let you go at a nice village and you can make your own way back home, when we're well away from here. Try to escape and we'll leave you on a monster-infested island or somewhere."
Peridot tried to struggle, but it was useless. "Let me go!"
Alfie and Charlie grabbed an arm each and hauled her along, screaming.
There was a low growl from behind them. Maia froze and slowly turned around.
A huge white wolf was standing behind them, hackles raised.
***********************************************************************************
Maia froze. "Okay. Nobody move."
Fenrir whined and hid behind Loki.
A girl stepped out from behind a tree. She was wearing a short-sleeved white dress, white sandals and a silver circlet on her head with the symbol of a crescent moon. She had long, curly brown hair that fell down to her waist and piercing silver eyes. She was holding a bow and arrow that was pointed directly at Maia's heart.
"This is my forest," she said, not taking her eyes off them. "I'm feeling merciful today, so I will give you thirty seconds to give me a good explanation as to what you are doing here. If I like it, I will let you live. If not, you die on the spot."
"Who are you?" Maia whispered.
The girl smiled wickedly. "I am Artemis. Goddess of the Hunt."
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Moonlight: Chapter SixPoints:
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Oh look, I found another chapter I haven't reviewed yet!
How quickly do they each kneel? I can imagine Alfie and Charlie throwing themselves straight to the ground but would Loki be more reluctant? He doesn't seem quite as easy to spook and this may be a good chance to differentiate the boys slightly and tell us which is the less nervous/ the more stubborn/ less likely to follow commands. Characters who all take the same action can do so with different levels of reluctance/ for different reasonsSpecifics
1.
2. Snarled and posh don't really go together for me. I'm not sure what other word I would expect instead but a snarl is a sound a wild animal makes. Maybe a hiss is slightly better as cats hiss and they generally look more refined/ posh than dogs?
3. If she's a witch, can she resist the magic stone? It may be interesting to describe her trying to or giving the answers after a moment's pause and a strained breath. This will also help us engage with her more as well as we sympathise with characters who struggle even when it seems impossible.
4. Peridot promises not to go after them too quickly - what are her requirements for the promise? Does she ask them first to not harm any of her family? Oh - ah, I see! So Loki figured her out. I think more description during this dialogue would help us to follow the conversation better and to see that Peridot is too quick to give the answer because she has other motives and not because she's too trusting.
5. Do Artemis and Peridot seem to know each other? they both claim the forest as their own so it would be interesting to see if there is friendship or conflict there.
Overall
Two new characters and a new magic item! There's lots going on in this chapter and it moves very quickly so try to add some more description and slow that down a bit. It will also let you add more character detail and flesh out the differences between their personalities more.
Adding extra description is particularly important when introducing new characters and you do a pretty good job with the first impression of Peridot but I think there could be more details - is she wearing or carrying anything unusual? Does she have any kind of accent?
There's not much description of Artemis so far either and I'd suggest if these are both very important characters then maybe try to introduce them further apart so we have more time to get used to each first or closer together so we can meet them and compare them. With the second option, it's almost a shortcut way of helping a reader understand two characters quickly which works especially well if they're very different.
That's all I have for now. Thanks for the read and keep writing!
~Heather
Thanks! I%u2019ll make the necessary changes.
Hey there Danni! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review on this lovely review day.
Let's start with the positives! You have a lot of good stuff going on in this chapter. Your dialogue is by and large smooth and feels natural and I'm already able to get a sense for the characters even though I'm jumping in in the middle of chapter 5 (which I apologize for, by the way) I also really liked the twist at the end with the wolf and Artemis, and the way you end the chapter with the reveal of who she is and with her demand for an explanation is great. (I do think the section break after they hear the wolf is unnecessary, though.)
I was surprised that everyone except Maia just succumbed to the girl's threat. Shouldn't they all be armed and reasonably good at fighting? Why would they just give up like that, while Maia doesn't? They'd just have to dodge the sword like Maia does.
The other main critique I have for you has to do with the balance dialogue, action, and setting description. Simply put, this chapter suffers from something called "talking heads," which is where you have all the characters talking to each other for the whole chapter in what may as well be a blank white room, because you don't describe the setting much at all and you have them interact with it even less. I didn't know that the characters were in a forest until Peridot "vaulted into the clearing," and so I felt lost before that, and then it was jarring to have to change my conceptions of what the scene looked like. And even still, I don't know if this is a dense forest full of twisted oak trees, or a clear forest full of tall pine trees. Each creates a very different atmosphere.
Even after the beginning of the scene, it would be good if you could keep leaving room for the setting in there. It can be used to really create the mood you're looking for (suspenseful, maybe mysterious, especially when Artemis comes in at the end) and it'll at balance to a scene that currently is rather dialogue-heavy. Just little things like a character noticing birdsong (or a lack thereof), or navigating around a rock or fallen log add a lot.
And I think that's all I've got for you! This is a good chapter overall, so good luck, and keep writing!
Thank you! This really helps.
hello, happy review day!! <3 As I have not reviewed any of the chapters beforehand, I will just be giving general comments
**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**
Grammar:
*to
Punctuation:
*Alfie, and Loki
*eyes, and a
*no comma after home
Story:
be careful to stay in the same point of view, don't switch between third and second
I thought this was an interesting plot line, and I'm a little confused but that could just be because I haven't read anything up to this point. It felt like this chapter jumped around a bit, and was a little fast paced. try adding more dialogue to lengthen it a bit? Or maybe add more action and/or resistance when they capture that one girl. Honestly, I thought he was lying about the rock at first, just to make her tell the truth xD Obviously, that wasn't the case.
other than that, good job!
- Del
I believe this is a very thought out and well designed chapter.... i believe you have a good talent. and to make this 250 characters... A 500 word essay is roughly one (1) page, single spaced or 250 words, double spaced. As an essay usually consists of at least three paragraphs: 1) an introduction, 2) the main body, and 3) a conclusion, most instructions for a short essay are to type a 250 word essay, to be double spaced.
A limitation of 250 characters seems awful short considering a single Tweet o
I believe this is a very thought out and well designed chapter.... i believe you have a good talent. and to make this 250 characters... A 500 word essay is roughly one (1) page, single spaced or 250 words, double spaced. As an essay usually consists of at least three paragraphs: 1) an introduction, 2) the main body, and 3) a conclusion, most instructions for a short essay are to type a 250 word essay, to be double spaced.
A limitation of 250 characters seems awful short considering a single Tweet on Twitter is limited to 140 characters, which is roughly two or three short sentences.
I believe this is a very thought out and well designed chapter.... i believe you have a good talent. and to make this 250 characters... A 500 word essay is roughly one (1) page, single spaced or 250 words, double spaced. As an essay usually consists of at least three paragraphs: 1) an introduction, 2) the main body, and 3) a conclusion, most instructions for a short essay are to type a 250 word essay, to be double spaced.
A limitation of 250 characters seems awful short considering a single Tweet on Twitter is limited to 140 characters, which is roughly two or three s
I believe this is a very thought out and well designed chapter.... i believe you have a good talent. and to make this 250 characters... A 500 word essay is roughly one (1) page, single spaced or 250 words, double spaced. As an essay usually consists of at least three paragraphs: 1) an introduction, 2) the main body, and 3) a conclusion, most instructions for a short essay are to type a 250 word essay, to be double spaced.
A limitation of 250 characters seems awful short considering a single Tweet on Twitter is limited to 140 characters, which is roughly two or three s
I believe this is a very thought out and well designed chapter.... i believe you have a good talent. and to make this 250 characters... A 500 word essay is roughly one (1) page, single spaced or 250 words, double spaced. As an essay usually consists of at least three paragraphs: 1) an introduction, 2) the main body, and 3) a conclusion, most instructions for a short essay are to type a 250 word essay, to be double spaced.
A limitation of 250 characters seems awful short considering a single Tweet on Twitter is limited to 140 characters, which is roughly two or three s
I believe this is a very thought out and well designed chapter.... i believe you have a good talent. and to make this 250 characters... A 500 word essay is roughly one (1) page, single spaced or 250 words, double spaced. As an essay usually consists of at least three paragraphs: 1) an introduction, 2) the main body, and 3) a conclusion, most instructions for a short essay are to type a 250 word essay, to be double spaced.
A limitation of 250 characters seems awful short considering a single Tweet on Twitter is limited to 140 characters, which is roughly two or three s
I believe this is a very thought out and well designed chapter.... i believe you have a good talent. and to make this 250 characters... A 500 word essay is roughly one (1) page, single spaced or 250 words, double spaced. As an essay usually consists of at least three paragraphs: 1) an introduction, 2) the main body, and 3) a conclusion, most instructions for a short essay are to type a 250 word essay, to be double spaced.
A limitation of 250 characters seems awful short considering a single Tweet on Twitter is limited to 140 characters, which is roughly two or three
I believe this is a very thought out and well designed chapter.... i believe you have a good talent. and to make this 250 characters... A 500 word essay is roughly one (1) page, single spaced or 250 words, double spaced. As an essay usually consists of at least three paragraphs: 1) an introduction, 2) the main body, and 3) a conclusion, most instructions for a short essay are to type a 250 word essay, to be double spaced.
A limitation of 250 characters seems awful short considering a single Tweet on Twitter is limited to 140 characters, which is roughly two or three short sentences.sentences.hort sentences.hort sentences.hort sentences.hort sentences.n Twitter is limited to 140 characters, which is roughly two or three short sentences.
@tcrowder1980 I'm not sure how this is relevant........
Thanks @elysian!
he was spamming lol
ohhhh I see lol
<3
Thanks XD
Fifth chapter out!! @Rydia @Flumadiddle @BiscuitsLeGuin @Kelpies @LittleLee @CarolineGlitter @KatieC @AlexTheGreat
Thanks!