Maia couldn't sleep. She was thinking about the demon. Who was he? Who was the king he spoke of? And most importantly, what did he want with her?
She unclasped her necklace and turned it over in her hand. Did her mother know someday this would happen? Did its strange glow indicate magical powers?
Maia gasped, suddenly remembering Eve. Her sister would be worried about her. She pulled out her phone - the battery was dead. She growled irritably and shoved it back into her pocket. Great. Now nobody knew where she was except a prankster god and two wizards - oh, and a murderous demon king.
She sighed and put her necklace back on. She should try and get some sleep - it was getting late. She lied down and was about to close her eyes when she heard her name being called.
Maia sat up. There was nobody there. The others were all asleep. "H-hello?" she whispered nervously.
"Maia...."
She gasped and fumbled for her sword, holding it out in front of her. "Who's there? I-I'm armed!"
"Come..." the voice whispered.
"Er, no way," Maia said, regaining some of her sassiness. "I'm not following a creepy voice in the dead of night. I do have a brain."
There was a faint glow from the edge of the clearing. A woman's figure was slowly walking towards her.
It had been six years since Maia had seen those features, but she immediately recognised the long blonde hair, round cheerful face and sparkling brown eyes of her mother.
She stared in awe. "Mum?"
Willow Silvertongue beckoned to her daughter. "Come, child."
Maia scrambled to her feet and dazedly moved towards the glowing figure. As she got closer she saw her mother's feet weren't quite touching the ground. "Are- are you a ghost?" she blurted out.
Willow smiled. "No, Maia. A vision."
"A vision?"
"From my prison I was able to summon just enough strength to appear to you in this form. I come with a warning."
Maia was overwhelmed. "You're in a prison? What happened? Why did you leave us?"
"Beware the sorceress, Maia. You will find me at the heart of Marfak's Peak two weeks from now. That's all I can say. I've always been watching you. You're never alone."
With that, Willow Silvertongue began to fade.
"Don't go!" Maia clutched at her mother's arm, but her hand passed right through.
"Marfak's Peak, a fortnight from now," the fading figure called. "I love you, Maia!"
With those final words, her mother was gone. Maia stood in silence. Had it really been her mother, or some trick? Had she imagined the whole thing?
No. Whatever it was, it hadn't been a dream, and there was only one way to find out if it was a trick or not. She turned back around and shouted, "Wake up, people! We're going to Marfak's Peak!"
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Moonlight: Chapter FivePoints:
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139,376 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Hi! So I'm not sure how much time I have today but I wanted to leave you at least one review before my friends get here
Love this line - great sense of humour!Specifics
1.
2. This should be laid or lay instead of lied.
3. Does Maia wonder even for a moment if the vision of her mother is from the demon king? I'd love an insight into her thoughts at that moment and to know if she's suspicious or if the joy of seeing her mother again just crowds everything else out. Oh, wait, her mum's not dead? I'd like to see more fear from Maia then when she sees her feet don't touch the ground and thinks she may be a ghost. Thinking a parent has died, even for a moment should be a big deal if it's the first time you're finding out.
Overall
This is a great chapter - there's a nice sense of things happening and the plot moving on and it feels like a natural change of course. I think you need to think about Maia's emotions more and help us to understand how she's feeling - just slow it down a little and give us a chance to get to know who she is and how these events in her life are impacting her.
Nice work and see you again soon!
~Heather
Hey, me again!
Nit-picks:
Had she really not thought of this until now?
Overall:
Much, much better pacing here. Some more description would still have been nice but at least I didn't feel caught up on a really fast train that I couldn't really see anything properly from.
Well done on an intriguing plot again. The tension and intrigue leading up to the reveal was excellent, and the reveal was timed on a good beat. It was also a high impact reveal, and compounded the mystery about how come all Maia's magic seemed to be working all of a sudden.
What I would like to see improved is the emotion in the meeting with the mother. It starts at the very end when she shouts out that she loves Maia, but this is such a long awaited reunion that I'm surprised she's able to get the message out so calmly, and she's been trying so hard to do this too. I would have pictured her much more shaken and elated and desperate and relieved and a whole mess of other emotions that would result in her being nowhere near as composed.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thanks!
Hello! I'm going to try and review this chapter without reading the first three, so sorry if I get something wrong due to that. I really liked this chapter, and I'm very interested in what's going on.
Grammar:
You were pretty good with grammar! I only noticed a few minor grammar mistakes here and there. For instance, in one sentence you confused "lay" and "lied" (and let me tell you, lay v.s. lie is the bane of everyone's existence, so it's a pretty common mistake).
"She lay down and was about to close her eyes when she heard her name being called."
Lay is when you lay something down, and lie is when you "lie down to sleep". In this sentence, it would also be past tense, so it would be, "She {lied} down and was about to close her eyes when she heard her name being called." I don't explain it very well, but this article (http://www.writersdigest.com/online-editor/lay-vs-lie) has a handy-dandy chart to explain.
Another thing I noticed was one of the last sentences is a run-on.
"No, whatever it was, it hadn't been a dream, and there was only one way to find out if it was a trick or not."
This sentence should read, "No{.} {W}hatever it was, it hadn't been a dream, and there was only one way to find out if it was a trick or not."
Those were the only grammar mistakes I saw.
Content-wise, I thought this was a little short for a chapter. I feel like you should lengthen it a little. I would have liked more information or detail.
I feel like the name Willow Silvertongue was a little cliche, but this was just my opinion.
Overall, I really liked this chapter. I thought it was interesting, and I was genuinely curious to find out what happened next. Maia's sass was funny and entertaining. Keep writing!
ella
Thanks! I will make the necessary edits
No problem! I'm glad I helped!
Hey there, Danni! Here to review this for you.
I apologize in advance because I have not read any of this story so far. I'm just gonna base my review on this chapter alone. 
the writing, the plot, the characters. You are pacing yourself very nicely here - there wasn't too much or too little in this chapter. As Goldilocks once said, it's juuust right 
haha but seriously, this is going at a great pace. I really like the subtle imagery you have going on here, and it seems like your plot is good so far, and at a good pace for only being four chapters into the story. Not bad at all! I may have to come back and read more. 
but that's because there's nothing I didn't like! Hehe <3
Well! Just one chapter and I'm already intrigued! Everything about this is good so far.
Great job so far, Danni! Keep it up! I hope this helped a bit, even though I gave no constructive criticism
- Iggy
Thank you so much!!
Chapter 4 out!!!! I tag @Rydia, @Lake, @BiscuitsLeGuin and @Kelpies