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E - Everyone

Finding the "I" In "Team"

by Dachsie

Like a trust fall,
she waits for someone to catch her
an opinion to represent her,
a viewpoint to match her.

She agrees with what they say.
So they call her young and impressionable,
for she finds their viewpoints correct
and logic unquestionable.

She is only a child
but they tell her to sit down
they tell her to be quiet,
they tell her not to frown.

Is she part of a team?
A team that speaks for her?
But it's a team that is loud,
a team that ignores her.

Our young and our youth
need more of a voice.
It will soon be their world,
what they do is their choice.

Speak up

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12 Reviews

Points: 107
Reviews: 12

Sun Mar 19, 2017 11:50 pm
Tylexie wrote a review...

This is a nice poem with an amazing message. I like the rhymes and the flow of the piece. I love the whole poem. I have just a one suggestion:

3rd stanza: "but they tell her to sit down," maybe the "but" should be changed to "and"? Because I would think that her being a child, people would think she needs to sit down. The "but" makes it seem like telling her to sit down is unusual of her being a child.

Love the rest of it!

User avatar
483 Reviews

Points: 5141
Reviews: 483

Sat Mar 18, 2017 4:15 am
Que wrote a review...

Hey Dachsie!

I love the idea of your poem! I think it's an important topic, and with a bit of polish it can be really great. All my suggestions are just that- suggestions. Feel free to ignore them! Half of it might just be some random thoughts I have.

So, in the first stanza, she's looking for someone to agree with her or support her, while in the second, she agrees with everyone else. Those two seem rather different to me- not quite contradictory, but I think there's a bit of a disconnect. Maybe you could say that no one backed her up, so she just fell to popular opinion- that could like the two, but I don't know if that's the way you want them to be connected or not.

I really like your third stanza! Nice.

Is she part of a team?
A team that speaks for her?
But it's a team that is loud,
a team that ignores her.

I think there might be a better way to phrase this. She's questioning if she's part of a team, but you immediately indicate that she is on a team. Maybe your second set of lines could be something like, "Yes, and though the team speak loudly, / it's a team that ignores her" or "she's part of a team, speaking out loudly / but they don't speak for her." Do those sound like they're along the lines of what you're going for?

Last stanza: yes. That's really a great one! You should totally keep it. :)

So I didn't have a ton of criticism- just check out those three stanzas, see if you can clear them up a bit in terms of what ideas are coming across. Maybe if you could, I'd like to see more descriptions. It's very much about ideas, but it would be neat if you could give readers a physical picture in their minds too. For example, I really liked the trust fall bit.

Nice work, hope you can keep writing and improving!


Dachsie says...

Thanks for the edits! I'll work on those lines.

Seeing is believing, but feeling is the truth.
— Thomas Fuller