~*~
I heard the gunshot fire into me, fearing for my life. I promised to protect my human I... but something was different... something was not as I first thought.
I looked down to see the human's face full of fear. His shotgun was shaking in his hands, his face set in a grimace and eyes full of ready-to-burst tears. I felt no bullet within me. Of course... I am made of a stronger metal than his bullet.
The puny human tried to kill me. No... he tried to kill my human. I was enraged. I roared with renewed fury, and watched the puny little creature squirm in place, quaking with fear. I raised my claws, ready to get my revenge. This human could have hurt... no... killed my human girl.
My girl whose dirty blonde hair, all curly and tattered from lack of care, tears streaming down her chiseled face. She had mouthed a word before she lost consciousness and I took over. She had said... "help." So I did. I always will.
Snapping out of my reverie, I see my opponent ducking underneath his arms as he held them above his head. I look at my stained claws aiming for my target, when I see what's behind my claws. The piles of bodies, a white canvas stained red. I recovered myself then, I found my true revenge.
This human had to die not because of his intentions, but because of what he had done. He overworked his comrades, paid for their loyalty, killed almost every polar bear in the Arctic, and worst of all: he enjoyed it. For these reasons, I must get my revenge. The revenge of an entire species.
I swiped one claw through his chest, snarling as he grimaced in pain.
"Human. You are the definition of a monster. For your actions committed, you must die." With those words I pulled my claw out and watched as he gagged on red fluid fountaining out of his mouth. He spurted a few more seconds then laid down from his bent over position and his body convulsed. A few more seconds, and I smelled his death.
Something was not right, however. He was dead but his death was quick, unlike the genocide of the polar bear species. So I extended my claw again and this time cradled him in the hook-like cranny. I raised my powerful wings and jumped into the icy white sky. I carried his body low to the ground, and then once a mile had passed, I dropped his body down on the ice with a thud.
Now he had left a proper blood trail. Now, he was an equal to the polar bears. There was no longer a place for me or the human here. So I took off in one direction and kept at it. I would go where the wind would take me. The human needs attention-- attention I cannot give.
~No, no, th-this can't be happening. He will smile again, and all will be right with the world. Right?~
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hello there! Sorry that I'm a little late, but I'm here now ^^
Okay. The first thing I did was click back to chapter two to sort of reread on what was happening with her and how things were going, because it's been so long that I've forgotten it all. And then I saw this exact beginnings part about it shape shifting >.> I don't know if this was written first, or if it was editted in there first, but either way, it probably shouldn't be repeated. That entire chunk showing up again? Redundant. I recommend you take one of them out (probably the earlier one :3) But I did see you edited the second chapter, and it looks good ~
Another note on that is I'm a bit iffy about it. I mean, it's good we see in the story some of this stuff clarifying what's going on (about shapeshifting at least) but it leaves me with a lot of questions. Like, who is this narrator? Is this story she's telling true or out of her head? Is it actually this year? Where is she? I guess it's a good thing, but while she's talking to supposed children listening to the story, it's like she talking directly to us, the readers. And it's good if you were going for that, but it feels a little out of place? I'd love to see this inter grated into the story, that we learn by the heroine herself instead of this narrator feeding us the information. Think about ^^
Also, I strongly recommend you cut down on the ellipses ("...") in the narration. Those normally indicate a sort of fade away, and while it's dramatic and useful when used correctly -- normally in dialogue -- if it's overused, it's not quite as affective. Many of the places they were used, a simple comma would work to give the same effect.
Forgive me for not remembering, but is this Titanic still? >.> Or are we going back to the one girl who was a polar bear? Now, this probably wouldn't be a problem if this were, say, a published book, because they can read straight through, but I'd appreciate some clarification xD How would this bullet kill his human? Is his human connected to his life in a way (and if this is indeed Titanic, please say "Wolfe, you're dumb." and then proceed to explain. xD)
Be careful about tense! This paragraph is suddenly switches to present when all the rest were in past and it's a little confusing. A quick proof read can help show you where the little inconsistencies are.
So here came the revenge ^^ I assume that the heroine the narrator was talking about in the first part is this unconscious girl, but I'm starting to wondering who she is, and if this is Titanic, why is he here for her? (And he said that the girl needed attention, but did he just leave her back there and hope someone would find her? Uh, perhaps clarify a little on ther
Enough of my ramblings! Hope I helped some and I can't wait to read more!
Happy Writing,
~Wolfare
Hey, it's me to review!
"I am not teacher..." sounds awkward. "I am not a teacher" sounds smoother.
That's it. The story is too short for me to say anything solid. So the Narrator did that for revenge. Oh my god. The act of revenge was truly gory.
Like I said, there's not much to say about this chapter. If you can make it longer, please do. I think you need to elaborate the setting. This chapter needs it. It would give the feel, the atmosphere, something to make the readers relate more to the story and to the Narrator. Since this is a novel, you need a cliffhanger to hook the reader's attention. This would encourage him to turn the pages and whatnot. You need that. What's going to happen afterward? Give us some breathtaking clues.
Apart from that, good job. Your character is done nicely, but like I said, if you put in more, you can have more time for characterization. Keep it up!
Ello! I'm in a reviewing mood tonight so you're in luck.
What has happened to the heroine? What did the bullets do to her?!
Nothing, because the heroine has bullet-proof metal scales! I'm so good.
I like this. Because yeah, this book tends to confuddle (really, spellcheck? I could have sworn that was a word, darn it) me a lot. This is saying, "It's okay, little reader. I understand. I understand that sometimes things don't make sense. But they will. One day they will." Phew, that's good.
*dictionary.com* Didn't know that one. Fancy.
Here, you say that they don't exist, but then you say that they are treated in a certain way. How can they be treated at all if they don't exist in the first place? Otherwise, it's a good sentence.
You need some hyphens here: "ready-to-burst."
You need an "and" before the underlined work. If you change it you'll also need to remove the comma.
Try this: "This human could have hurt... no, killed my human girl."
That translates to "my girl who is dirty blonde hair..."
Capitalize!
Is "set" the right verb if the dragon drops him from a mile in the air?
Ahhhh, this chapter was so epic and so well written! Nice job, Cynder buddy! Your writing errors were few, and the whole thing was enjoyable.
The treatment of the polar bear hunter was especially chilling. Whenever the MC would hesitate, I would think she was going to soften up a little or regret what she had done, but nooo way, Jose. That polar bear hunter was toast, poor guy. But man, did the dragon made it justifiable, noting the hundreds of polar bears that had been killed by the hunters. In the year 3000, actually, I would think that it would be global warming that wipes out the polar bears, not hunters. I guess the weather's going to change its mind sometime soon.
If this book was on my Kindle I would highlight that passage, for I always highlight particularly meaningful and epic lines in my eBooks. Here we have a dragon, a creature typically depicted as a monster, spitting the truth in the face of the real monster, a polar-bear hunting human. Oh, the irony.
Ohhh, and the beginning of the chapter! Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to explain a few things.
That's all I got, buddy. Splendid chapter.
Write, write, write!
Thanks!! I'm glad you liked it
It was brutal, yes, but I knew I really had to snag my readers in with some good hooks to get them to keep reading.