This is a super-hastily written short story, so I would like some feedback on it. Also, it's in second person, so it's a little hard to follow sometimes...
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"Mommy?" your baby girl asked you on the afternoon after the first day of school.
"Yes, love?" you replied distractedly. You were busy with the oven, fiddling with the ancient machine, trying to coax it into making some french fries and chicken nuggets for her dinner.
"Am I... Am I weird?"
You suddenly froze. All attention suddenly tunneled in on your downtrodden little daughter, hovering in the doorway.
"Sorry?" you asked, hoping you misheard.
"Am I a weirdo?"
Your face contorted in fear. Where did this come from? It was worrying to hear her say. Her eyes burned with shame and bitter sadness.
"Oh, honey, why would you ask me that?" you said, pushing down your fear for her sake.
"Because, Mommy, someone asked me at school today what I was doing and I said I was listening. He said, what are you listening too, and I said I'm listening to the school, and he called me a liar and I told him, I-I told him I was telling the truth, and he--" She paused to choke and give a sniffle, "he said I was a freak, and that the classroom was quiet, and there was nothing to hear."
Your body stiffened. Your eyes flashed with a mother's passionate rage. Your spine stood straight like it was electrified and murder flared in your face.
"And I told-- I-- I called Daddy and told him, and he-- he said that the boy was right. And I'm a retard." She was full-blown crying now, tears seeping down her flushed cheeks and stuttering rosy lips. "I was listening to the air. The air; you know, in the vents. It's always singing and whistling, Mommy. It's beautiful. B-but they won't believe me. They say it's all qu-quiet and I'm just a w-weirdo."
You crouched until you were eye-to-eye with your weeping daughter.
"Let me tell you a story, dear."
"How will a story help?" she whimpered. The salty tears dampened her hand-me-down sweater.
"Once," you began quietly, "there was a little girl. She was bright, oh, so very, very bright, and she was a fantastic student. She dominated the boys in class. She got perfect grades, and she planned on becoming an author one day. That girl, oh! she wrote the most fantastic poetry, and beautiful short stories, the likes of which no teacher of hers had ever seen. Whimsy and love and terror and fear and passion and wildness wrapped into a few choice words on paper. She sat in the front of the class and she took notes and she worked hard and she was Queen of the classroom, perfect and brave and bold and wise.
"But she was also Queen of her own domain. She delved deep into her head all the time and there she ruled over her imaginary subjects. They sang and danced and cried and smiled and loved and were happy. And she talked for hours and hours to wise but shabby minstrels, to foolish, rich-robed Kings, to wily alien ambassadors and angels with blackened wings. She fought alongside warriors of the Sun with swords of burning gold. She danced with lovely emerald dragons and ferocious brown and blue water-unicorns. She conversed with devious creatures from the caves that spoke in a language only the hills remembered. She befriended gorgeous monsters who spun sugary melodies that made your heart ache. She lived half in one world, half in another, growing wiser and wiser and stronger and stronger until she was just like that Queen who lived in her head, powerful and brave and with a lightning-fast wit.
"Do you know what happened to that wild, happy little girl?"
Your child shook her curly-topped head in wonder.
"She was confronted by a man one day, her father, who demanded that she stop her imagining. Her lively whispering to her friends in her head, her staring out into space at night, her dancing in the rainy forest, weaving fairy-huts from bark, her playing in the hollows under trees, her wild and fanciful doodles on the corners of her schoolwork that always came home displaying a bright red A+."
Your lip curled in disgust at the next part of the story, recalling the villain's exact words clearly.
"He said, "You're being stupid. There's nothing there, you nitwit girl. Stop pretending. Fairies ain't real. And you ain't smart, girl. You girls ain't ever smart, you just... learn stuff. It's not the same. So don't you go struttin' 'round thinking you're something special because you get a fancy red mark on your papers. Girls are nothing, got that? They clean the house and cook the food and sew and marry and that's it."
"Her dream died there and then. She lay alone on the bed for an hour, watching her heart break and the Queen dissolve into tears, trickling out of her Wonderland and down, into her eyes. The Queen's soul trickled out her eyes as tears and fell onto the solid, dead stone floor. And one day, do you know what happened, dear?"
"No Mommy," she whispered, transfixed with horror at the cruel twist in the story.
"Well, one day that girl grew up. She passed school with honors, but college wasn't an option. Oh, she got the best scholarships, the best opportunities, but she politely declined them all. Because what was the point of going to school if she couldn't really be smart? If she could only... learn stuff. So she left behind that dream she had crumpled in the corner all those years ago once and for all. And instead of doing what she loved, she married.
"It was a bad marriage, but in some sick way, it worked. He was an idiot, she was a brainwashed fool. He wanted a housewife, she knew that a housewife was all she could be. That was the only way it worked out, really. Anyway, that young woman gave birth, and out came a bouncing baby girl. Do you know who that little baby is now?" you whisper to your daughter, tearing up a bit.
"Me?" she said, dumbfounded.
"You." A sad smile stretched itself across your face.
"So dear, if you have any respect for me at all, or at least for yourself, please don't do what I did. When those boys try to put you down, don't listen. Because you are wiser, and braver, and stronger, and smarter than they will ever be, dear. You are the new Queen. You are the Queen of the Wonderlands of your heart, and always will be, as long as you don't give up. You will do great things, see great things, and be great things.
"So, yes, love, you are weird. You are weird and wonderful and wild and free, and don't you ever forget it. You will be brave and strong and smart and wonderful." You remembered a quote you once read.
""You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."" You paused for a moment. "You know, it was a great man who said that, dear. One who is just like you. Just as fantastic, just as childish and bold and smart and kind and spectacular as you."
"Who, Mommy?"
"A boy named Christopher Robin. And do you know what?"
"What?"
You lean in close to whisper in her ear. "He never listened, either."
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140,905 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
I really like this cause I can relate. I don't really like the 2nd person thing but that's okay. I've been called a weirdo some many times for reading and writing and so I really like this. I do have to say your really good at writing. I think it's a really cute story and you should keep doing what your doing. If your ever called anything but your name or a nick name then you walk away and ignore them cause ignorant people don't get what smart people get.
The first thing that drew me in was the title. I found it intriguing and I think that it was a good name for it. Another thing I liked about it was that it was really sweet but it broke my heart at the same time.
It was really cool when the little girl said that she was listening to the wind. It was very creative
One part that stood out a lot to me was "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." This was really inspiring to me. This was also well very written. This is one of the best hastily written works I've seen.
Thank you!
I just made up the title about halfway through writing. I didn't think it was particularly good. I'm glad you think so! 
I really love that quote. It's my favorite.
This story is such an emotional and just beautiful story. I had a huge smile on my face while reading it. It was hard not to smile and have that "Aww" moment as the mother told her daugher her story.
And when I read it,it felt like I was there,watching the scene,see her,see them both in the kitchen and in the classrooms too. You made me,as a reader,"fly" into this place and see it all through my mind.
You've done a really great job.
Thank you so much!
This story means so much to me right now. This woman is the best mother in the world, her husband can die though. But the mom I love, I would love for my mother to tell me that I'm brave. How old is the girl?
Aw.
Thank you! She's about 7 or 8 years old, I think.
Wow... Brilliant is all I can say... Simply brilliant. Everything was perfect. The writing, the sentence fluency, everything. I have NEVER been as enchanted or beguiled by a realistic story as yours. You have a true gift. The ONLY thing I found that could be changed here was the overuse of the word "and". Other than that, you wrote what I would consider a timeless classic. I would bet money that if you published this in real life, it would become a children's bestseller. It was truly mystifying. For a hastily written story, you have just made yourself known on the YWS. Congratulations.
Wow! Thank you! I can't say how much this review means to me.
I hope it's a lot! And I'm serious about the real life publishing thing. You could have the next big thing in children's books on your hands. I'd suggest you look into it.
I'm crying right now...that was so sweet and beautiful!
I loved, loved, LOVED this story! You had really great dialogue and perfect imagery. I didn't find any spelling, grammar, etc. mistakes. You are such a talented writer! It was a story that pretty much took me through all the emotions: anger, sadness, heartbreak, hope, happiness. This was clearly written with so much passion and I applaud you for it!
Oh my God that was one of the most amazing stories ever! I loved it, Cat! I so totally felt for the little girl. Was she really disabled? I have a huge soft spot for special needs kids. There's this one boy named Cody at my school and he is just the sweetest guy! Anyway, the story had no errors whatsoever except for the misspelling of "to" in paragraph....*consults* nine. That was pretty much the only thing. YOU DID SO TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!!!! (I would put "awesome" in bigger capitals if I could.)
Thanks for the review!
*fixes spelling of "to" in paragraph 9*
About your question, she wasn't necessarily disabled when I first wrote her, just kind of special. I didn't really think about it. I guess her brain working differently might make her *air quotes with fingers* "disabled".
(I do know about disabilities, by the way. My little brother has to wear leg braces because he has cerebral palsy.)
Aw, I'll bet he's still a trooper about it, though. I know a girl like that. She's kind of a jerk sometimes, though. Great story!!!
can you like more than once, maybe I will make multiple accounts, just to like this.
WOW!!!
I absolutely loved.Although,i wondered how old the daughter was for a mother to speak complex words to her daughter.But it did not much matter with the plot being amazing to me.I'm still young and when people say somwthing to me,i always ask my parents the same question. I did not see it from a different perspective. Finally,I can say that I have a different answer when I am called names.
The girl is about 7 or 8, I think. I didn't really think about it...
Thank you!
no problem! Oh good! :3 keep writing!~
This made me cry. It was heart breaking but somewhat reassuring she learned from her parent's mistakes. Dreams truly are so important. This story was important and I sort of needed that snap back to unreality. Imagination, I don't know when, became very dark for me, and I don't know if that's bad or not. This was sweet and filled with hope and I could relate with listening to the air because as a kid I would make up a game of watching the leaves float by. I could really relate to it. Thanks for writing it,.
I seem to be making a lot of people cry...
Here's a tissue. Thanks for the review. It's so nice.
I kind of want this taped on the backs of my eyelids so I can read it all the time.
And on that vaguely creepy note, how old is the little girl?
Also, while I love love LOVE the Christopher Robin thing at the end, what do you mean "he never listened, either?" The little girl WAS listening...
Thanks!
I think she's about 7 or 8.
By "he never listened either" I meant more that he never listened to the people who told him to grow up, sit down, and shut up.
Oh... ok
sad but amazing Holy cow. This story legit made me cry. In just a few chosen words you brought home the message that's its okay to imagine and to never give up on your dreams. And whats best is that you used 2nd person that is extremely difficult to do correctly. Congrats! and keep writing This is an amazing story. It had almost no grammar or spelling mistakes and was laid out perfectly. Even though it was is second person it was really easy to follow. Good job!
Also, was the woman (mother) telling her daughter of her young life. And I don't understand the Christopher Robin part. That's the kid from Winnie the Pooh right?
Other than that, great job and I'll defiantly looking forward to more of your work!
Thank you so much!
Holy cow. This story legit made me cry. In just a few chosen words you brought home the message that's its okay to imagine and to never give up on your dreams. And whats best is that you used 2nd person that is extremely difficult to do correctly. Congrats! and keep writing
Amazing.
Absolutely amazing.
I am at a loss for words at this moment.
Now all I want to do is reach for my "Now We Are Six" poetry book and just read that.
*claps*
Truly wonderful <3 May I ask, what inspired this?
Wow, thank you! :3
I wasn't really inspired by anything in particular. I was sort of protesting the abuse girls get for having talent, and the story just kind of morphed from there.
This is an amazing story. It had almost no grammar or spelling mistakes and was laid out perfectly. Even though it was is second person it was really easy to follow. Good job!
Also, was the woman (mother) telling her daughter of her young life. And I don't understand the Christopher Robin part. That's the kid from Winnie the Pooh right?
Other than that, great job and I'll defiantly looking forward to more of your work!
Daww, you guys are making me blush! Thank you for the review!
About your questions...
Yes, the mother was telling her daughter a story about when she was a little girl.
Indeed, he is the kid from Winnie the Pooh, and I was quoting something he said once, which is possibly my favorite quote ever.
Thanks again!
This is a fantastically written story. I really love how you used the second person point of view to connect your readers. The amount of detail you include in the imaginations is phenomenal and makes me imagine exactly those things which is always a good sign! The only little suggestion I can give to you would be that you might not have to have all the really little paragraphs (besides for dialogue) the rest you can combine a little bit. Unless there was a specific reason you wanted it to be like that. Other than that I really love it and you could probably expand more and make it a whole story- this being the prologue and maybe the little girl is a teenager or mother herself now teaching her kids the same thing. Anyway I'm getting off track. This was awesome. The end.
Thank you for the review.
I'm going to edit it soon, so I'll try to take your advice.
Beautiful <3
This is sooo beautiful, Curiosity. <3333
My heart hurts now. That was so, so pretty.
Hello
Especially the ending! I only have one little nitpick.
Only the name sounded odd at first, but I get it now. 
Great job on this story!!! 
I love it.
) But I don't think the comma after listened is needed. Great story! Keep writing! 
I love this!!
In the fifteenth paragraph, you did not put quotations after wise.
Besides that, I really couldn't find anything wrong with it!
"'What'?
You lean in close to whisper in her ear. 'He never listened, either.'"
This is my favorite part!! (my other favorite part is paragraph 10!
~Snazzy
Thank you!
*blushes*