Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
The brown dog barked
at the sunshine that laid through the window. It suddenly woke up Sarah from her sleep. She smiled at the disturbed dog, stroking his fur which made it lick on her pale skin. She laughed silently to herself. The door smashed open by her mad twin sister, Gwen. She has a roller in her hand.
“Why the hell is Brown barking!?! It’s 6 in the morning!” she shouted angrily.
“Hey, he’s our alarm clock, remember? He will wake us up in anytime… since you didn’t bought us a alarm clock.” Sarah gave a smirk.
Gwen grew even red with angry. “W-whatever! That dog needs to shut up! Or I will make a flat dog dough!”
Brown whispered sadly, laying his head on Sarah’s bed. Sarah patted him gently on top of his hand. Its tail wagged side to side. Then she made a puppy eyes with Brown. Gwen sighed, facepalming, but she gave in. “Okay, okay. He will be our alarm clock. But if he starts some bullshit, we are going to cook some dog soup tonight.”
“Oh, Gwenie! He will not do that again.” Sarah said happily.
“Stop calling me Gwenie, Sara…”
“Okay.... Gwenie…”
“Fuck you.”
Her 21-year-old sister laughed loudly as Gwen growled. She quickly walked out of Sarah’s room. She marched to their little siblings’ room. She ducked down as a huge fire ball flew toward her, now went through the window. She heard twelve year old Alex and David laughing. “Sorry, Gwen. I didn't see you.” Alex smirked.
“You idiots! Why you are using magic?” Gwen grunted.
“To fuck with you.” David said happily. “Mostly to fight Alex for firing my butt.”
“Hey, you made people think I wet myself in the play.” Alex protested.
“For laughs.” he grins evilly.
“I will kill you!” Alex thrusted her fingers which appeared flaming fire. David did the same, but waterballs came out. Gwen smirked in amusement as she shrugged. She watched them use their magic one by one against each other. Sarah came from the bathroom, dressed into a red shirt, black pants, and black leather gloves. She went to the hall and saw Gwen leaned on the wall, grinning, and Alex and David yelling.
“Aruse Popus Werus!”
Her magic halted Alex and David’s arms and forced them to their sides. Gwen was surprised and stared at the displeased Sarah through her green eyes. Sarah sighed, “Guys, what in the Queen of Victubia are you doing?”
Alex chuckled nervously. “Uh, experiencing…?”
She let Alex and David go, allowing them to move their arms. Gwen stared at her brown eyes as Sarah walked away. “Get dress, we got to go to the market.”
The siblings strolled through the crowded street. There were a lot of stores and merchants around this place. It was full of a tasteful foods and beautiful clothes who was made by a lady named Mariza. Gwen was ordered to watch over Alex and David while Sarah went over to the food store. The old man greeted her with a huge smile.
“Good morning, ma’am. What do you like to get today?” He greeted.
“Can I have some load of ham and your lovely biscuits?” Sarah replied, pointing at the roasted ham and the brown golden biscuits.
The old man nodded at her response as he prepared the order. Sarah stared over at the tv which was in the left of the store. It was a cartoon show until it went to commercial.
Victubia is a lovely place for everyone to live. There are amazing stores, entertaining bars, and beauitful places to see. Our capital protected us from madness in our country- all thanks for our brave Queen Minx. Come and visit our gorgeous capital of Victubia.
Sarah grins softly to herself. Her lovely hometown, the happy memories of being there. Meeting friendly people, helping elder ones, and having fun in garden. But she blocked some of her memories- her family and her friends. It’s hard for her to remember because it would cause her a headache. She hated thinking about. Then the old man’s voice came out of the blue.
“Your ham and biscuits are ready.”
Sarah snapped from her daydream and walked over to the wrapped ham and biscuits. She thanked the old man and went out of the store. She heard a woman screaming on the other side of the street. Alex and David ran out with chocolate ice cream from the ice cream shop. The owner of the shop ran out and shouted, “Stop those little thieves!”
Gwen was smoking on a lit cigarette. Sarah ran over to her and yelled, “Why you didn’t watch them?!”
“Oh, I am sorry, I thought I would give myself a break. Like I am now.” Gwen said sarcastically before rolling her eyes.
Sarah growled deeply before pulling Gwen’s arm roughly. They chased after them though the blocks. They bumped into people, apologizing to them- except for Gwen. After from the exhausting chase, they stopped in a dark ally. They pants to get some breathe until they spotted an old woman with Alex and David. She seemed like she was talking to them.
“Uh, excuse me?” Sarah asked softly.
No response.
“Yo, you wrinkled no-hearing poodle!” Gwen shouted.
The woman looked and smiled at them. “Oh, I am sorry. Is these your children?”
“Yes, ma’am. Sorry for the trouble that our relatives cause.” Sarah said.
“It’s okay, I think these kids are beautiful.” The old woman laughed in the raspy yet clear voice. Her wrinkled pale skin showed from the black hoodie. Alex and David got scared because they thought she was a ugly monster. The meow of a white cat interrupted the woman and walked over to her. It purred against her leg.
“Oh, here you are, Wandy.” The old woman said, picking up the cat. She stared at the siblings. “Will you like to help me take care with my cats? I am not very young… like you.” she asked.
“Of course, anything for you ma’am.” Sarah grinned. Alex, David, and Gwen stared at her in surprise. The woman giggled with a huge smirk.
“Okay, follow me.”
~~~~
Still worthless bastards, nothing new about it. The house burned as charcoal before their eyes. They moved away from Victubia and stay in the rusty apartments. Sarah is the one who’s afraid of her memories and the fire. I do sometimes enjoyed the miserable of her suffering.
What helped them find a house? What gave them a dog? How they will do without the little money they have? On the street being homeless, selling their bodies, and living in jail cells for their terrible lives. Likes helping others though. They came around and helped people everyday. But I knew more than that. Studying about them, haven’t I? Heard Gwen say: “...they died because of us not saving them. We can’t begin them back!” They’re nothing but shameful fools, really. Like their older long-lost sister, that rich annoying bitch! And their useless brother, Zach, who became poor.
Needing them, I followed them to my house to take them back to Victubia. They would be full of fear and fill their heads with terror.
~~~~~~
After taking care of all the cats, the siblings went to the top of the building. It was nighttime and they knew it’s time to go home. They were exhausted by the work. They saw the old woman who was standing at the edge of the building. Sarah walked over to the old woman. “Excuse me, we are going home.” she said.
“Hold on, my sweeties. I want to gift you for your help. Need a drink.” The old woman’s voice suddenly turned around, revealing her new form. Her hair was like Sarah- brown-haired- and eyes were green and blue. She was smirking evilly at them, laughing at them. The cats transformed into snakes. It bit them on their ankle. They fell down from on the floor. They stared at the unknown woman at the last time.
“Let’s go to Victubia.”
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The storyline is interesting, as it could be made into a good plot with a bit of adjustments.
From the beginning, I noticed a decent amount of spelling errors and/or misuse of words that didn't quite make sense. Spelling, or grammar errors of any kind, can tend to be misleading and distracting to the reader, so always go back and revise your writing, or just use spellcheck.
None of these mistakes were so bad that most couldn't connect the word with the meaning of the sentence, but it did make the reading harder to understand since these mistakes cut into the flow that is preferred by most.
Some of your sentences sounded awkward, or just weren't necessary, while some seemed a bit anti-climactic, such as this one, "She ducked down as a huge fire ball flew toward her, now went through the window."
Even if she is used to their antics with magic, a giant fireball being flung in anyone's direction should be enough to get their heart pumping. Add some emotion into their reactions, show rather than tell to help transfer the character's feelings to the reader, so the reader can feel involved in the story.
The dialogue isn't terrible, but it tends to be a little lacking in the emotion field as well. Sometimes, words don't sound as good on paper as they do in our heads, for example, "“Will you like to help me take care with my cats? I am not very young… like you""
Instead, try rephrasing this to sound more natural,
for instance, "Would you like to help me take care of my cats? I'm not very young anymore, unlike you." Just a few word changes can really make a difference in the way your character's personality jumps to the reader. Try reading your character's dialogue out loud to yourself and see if it sounds like something you'd say to one of your friends or someone in general.
Overall, I think this could have the potential of being something enjoyable for multiple ages, take your time editing, use some spellcheck if you don't have time or feel like going back to fix things yourself, and good luck with your story!
~Genesis~
Fuck you
It was nothing personal at all, merely an opinion that was not meant to be taken so literally. No need for such silly words.
I thought this was a good story and if you don't agree with what I said above then that is fine because it is your story, and I respect that 100% Just try to stay open-minded, eh? It was positive encouragement.
I know. I was just being a jerk <3
Here's what I noticed:
It may be obvious, but misspelling and sentencing are big issues in the beginning. I hope that most of them are typos. Spell-check that. As for sentencing, the beginning is one of the more noticeable. "The brown dog barked at the sunshine that laid through the window. It suddenly woke Sarah up from her sleep." It sounds a bit choppy, so try "The brown dog barked at the sunshine that laid through the window, suddenly waking Sarah up from her sleep." It's either that, or inserting a semicolon in the place of the period.
Moving on, there was a minor lapse in tense, as in the first paragraph, "She has a roller in her hand." The rest of the story is clearly in past tense, so fix that or make it work.
As for dialogue, it doesn't sound quite natural yet. Contractions usually help with making the tone more casual.
There's a good plot here, but there needs to be more quality description. Show it through description, don't tell us directly. A few that stick out are "It's hard for her to remember because it would cause her a headache." and "Alex and David got scared because they thought she was an ugly monster." Try describing the feeling of a headache for the audience to pick up on, or have Alex and David hide behind Sarah, saying something in a scared voice. Behaviors based on emotions can reveal those emotions to the audience.
The overall wording is a little choppy, and can be improved immensely. Luckily, the plot is interesting, and the prospect of a magical country is captivating enough to draw in readers. But improve your grammar, or they won't be very happy.
On the bright side, good characterization, good atmosphere, interesting plot. Good luck editing, and have fun.
-Chaser
Fuck you
The story was really good overall. But you had so misspelled so many words I lost count somewhere after 30. Most were minor enough to not be confusing and although they don't bother me they would bother most. Other times the misspelled words completely threw off the sentence making no sense. At a couple points it was just the wrong words used which just made no sense. I would suggest looking it all over again. None of the errors bothered me but I guarantee they will bother most so the sooner you fix them the better. Your misspelled words were pretty spread out so you will need to proof read your whole story. As for just simply using the wrong words at the wrong time some sentences need to be redone in whole because of it. Best example I can find is in this paragraph.
Sarah growled deeply before pulling Gwen’s arm roughly. They chased after them though the blocks. They bumped into people, apologizing to them- except for Gwen. After from the exhausting chase, they stopped in a dark ally. They pants to get some breathe until they spotted an old woman with Alex and David. She seemed like she was talking to them.
"They pants to get some breath breath" um yeah that made no sense, should be like this "They pant until they finally catch their breath"
You made a couple mistakes like that which caused some parts to not make sense. Suggest looking it over and editing it. Just as a heads up that people here will always nitpick whenever more than a couple mistakes are made.
Anyway like I said at first, loved the story looking forward to your next chapters.