Sorry!, this is only rough but please let me know what you think!.
I know what you want,
from the look in your eyes
even when you were a kid
To no one’s surprise
I’d know when you were hungry
Or who made you cry,
Just from looking
Deep in your eyes.
Now in your teens
Lies grow on your tongue
But not in your eyes
Its harder to do
Identify these lies
To my surprise.
Although the bags gave
the late nights away,
I still dread the day
You might stray.
And one day,
You did.
Late Monday morning,
The hospital called,
You in their care,
I rushed down there,
And found you ;
Battered and bruised
With blood in your hair.
You recover, thank God,
But your friend,
It was to late.
The car swerved and crashed
Into a gate
Glass through his heart
Clot in his brain.
You carried on the same
Disgracing his name.
I look at you in shame,
Now all I see in your eyes,
Are dreadful black lies.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,929 Literary Works • 673,752 Reviews
I can't say much that the other two said before me. I will just keep it plain and simple. I like how the poem begins with childhood all the way to death. The last stanza was really good. All I can say is keep up the good work.
Thanks for both of your reviews! In the second stanza I meant she had bags under her eyes from staying out late and stuff. And when I used the word "stray", I meant the parent was worried she might get worse.
Thanks again!.
Sorry about that, I should have been clearer!
there should be their
It's well written and very poweful. Just watch little grammar mistakes here and there
I liked this a lot. It really got into the head of a frightened and worried parent and also manages to strike fear into the heart of the reader, for both the welfare of the parent and the child. Just a few things about the meter and form:
could be changed to...
It would make it neater.
And the second stanza,
is a little confusing. I don't really know what you're trying to say here. Maybe with proper punctuation, it would be easier to understand.
And this:
is utterly breathtaking. It's a beautiful and powerful way to end the work. But maybe the word "now" could be changed to "and". Just an errant thought. It really is a wonderful poem!