I wanted to try write another twisted poem so, here it is! Please review.
I kissed her cold forehead,
inhaling her perfume,
Lifting my dagger,
I stabbed her unconscious body,
again and again,
and again.
I watched the blood,
fantasizing about the next one,
the chosen one.
I wrote a message in blood on the wall,
I wanted them to find me.
Just not yet,
not till the pattern is complete.
Watching the scarlet blood consume her,
I thought this is art.
Unlike those wannabe artists,
they paint what they want to see,
not reality,
unlike me.
I painted pictures few understood.
Taking my camera,
I took a picture,
I didn't want to forget this one.
She was special.
Her scarlet blood felt so warm in my hands,
so right.
Lifting her body into the bath,
I crossed her arms,
out of guilt.
But no,
I cannot let myself feel guilty.
I must remember my mission,
I must complete the pattern.
Without a moment's hesitation,
I stole into the night.
Leaving her and my guilt behind me.
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140,929 Literary Works • 673,752 Reviews
Very weird, but it caught my attention! How in the world do you just come up with stuff like that? You must have a amazing imagination! This was very good! I strangely liked it! Not because it was sick or anything, but just because it was very twisting! When you first read it you would think that it would be a romantic poem but it wasn't! It turned out to be one that was about murder and the person turning it into art! It was very interesting! GOod job!
This would be better as a short story or a longer and more descriptive poem.
As it is, it leaves too many questions unanswered. Sometimes stories are better with questions left unanswered, but when the questions are needed to be answered to fill out the plot or event, it falls short when you leave the questions alone.
For example, what pattern? Why is she special? Probably because she's really pretty or something, but elaborate so I don't have to guess. Why will the next one be "the chosen one", and if you meant yet another chosen one just like the one you just killed is a chosen one, that line should be "a chosen one". In the same vein as "what pattern", why does this particular girl fit into the pattern?
It's like Se7en only with one killing, and a reference to the pattern but nothing on what the pattern actually is.
Finding the balance between simplicity and elaboration is difficult, but what you have here is definitely a blatant bias towards simplicity.
On grammar errors:
Without a moments hesitation,
I stole into the night.
Leavingher and my guilt behind me.
should be
Without a moment's hesitation,
I stole into the night.
Leaving her and my guilt behind me.
It's good. It kind of looks like you've been thinking about this for a while.
That was truly disgusting yet completely captivating. In terms of true literary comments there really isn't much to say in terms of criticism. It's far too good for that even though it is utterly disturbing and well more than likely give me nightmares for the rest of the week....It's made me think in a very twisted way so I'm going to go and use that to my advantage! Lol