I haven't written a poem in a while, so I'm a bit rusty!. Please review!
Listening to songs that don't even make sense
you were never into that before.
Cleaning floors that aren't yours,
you were smarter than me in school.
Crying when your boyfriend beats you,
you know I'm here to help you.
Hurting yourself,
I've seen the scars.
You had an abortion,
didn't you?.
To cry at night, alone all day,
I don't think it's healthy.
You know I'm here don't you?;
do you?
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This is a nice poem =] I like it quite a lot just because it's sweet and sad, pretty tragic really, especially lines like "you were smarter than me at school" which shows me the downward spiral this girl has gone through.
I think sometimes your language is a bit too straight forward, that can be good sometimes, but some images in there might be nice to make it more poetic, so then we could really see this person and the state of mind their in instead of just being told with plain language.
I noticed a couple of times you did double punctuation, like "didn't you?." and "don't you?;" that never happens ever, only one piece of punctuation =]
I thought the line "hurting yourself, I've seen the scars" and "you had an abortion, didn't you?" - they're all a bit abrupt and harsh, maybe flesh it out a bit.
This poem is so nice. We all feel like this some time in our lives, don't we? A feeling that we're invisible, unwanted. I've felt that a few times before. I love how this poem shows that you'll always be there for your friend; how you'll never be so far away. Though I can't relate to this poem completely (because of some of the lines), I like it very much. It's beautifully written.
Keep up the good work!
i think people like you who can actually say that you are here are the best people on the planet. I mean it too. because when i was in a situation like that i had my friends and i lived through it. that's why i'm here now. because of my friends. so you continue to be there and you'll be blessed by god.