I'm having second thoughts about this poem, it was kind of a last minute thing. It's a bit odd, but then again I was told poems don't have to make sense. Please review!.
"Let us elope" she whispered in his ear.
He touched her cheek,
It sent shivers down her spine.
They lay in a meadow,
their fingers entwined.
The morning was sunny,
the sun so bright.
They lay by each other,
till the dead of night,
when he finally answered;
"Yes"
A smile crossed her face,
so sudden and brief.
Without another word,
she kissed his soft cheek.
"Goodbye, my darling",
she said with a smile.
"Marrying you is not that worth while".
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haha, love the ending.
'Let's elope'
sounds more realistic.
try 'sending shivers down her spine.'
'The morning was sunny/the sun so bright.'
repetition of sun(ny) shows lack of vocab. and makes it sound more childish
'when he finally answered;/"Yes"'
disrupts flow.
'"Goodbye, my darling",'
-if the poem's set in the time of The Luxe/Pride and Prejudice, the non-dialogue sections have to be written in that style and with wider vocab.
'she kissed his soft cheek
...
she said with a smile.'
intentional repitition?
if it isn't, it makes the writing less elegant, contradicting the speech
loving the image, but language needs to be improved.
um, i forgot what eloping means so i cant give you a good review
but i liked it anyway, the ending was good, nearly laughed
and i love the whole thing to tell the truth
look forward to reading more of your stuff
-grimy
i really like it it had a great beat and was very confusing which is sometimes good. In your case it was.
good job!
You warned us about the confusion which made the poem make more sense i dont know how but it did.
It was a lovely poem
The tone was somewhat flat and the rhyme scheme uneven. The ending, however, was nice and surprising. Downbeat endings are the way to go.
Haha, I like this. So it took him all day to answer? Wow. And the ending, that was really unexpected (another thing I love in poetry). She didn't marry him because he said okay to eloping? Ehh, I don't know. Maybe she thinks that's a sign of a lack of patience? Maybe their parents are against it? Eh, sorry if this review doesn't make sense, it's a little late at night lol. My advice, don't have second thoughts, I think you have a good idea here. And who told you poems don't have to make sense? What's the point of reading a poem that you don't understand? Poems are like pencils, they must have a point.
WOw, first review goes to me
it was great and really straight to the point which i like in a poem.
Firstly, hi. I really loved this piece.
I love the rhyming.
sometimes i think that u need to adjust the rhythm a little because in sokme places it doesnt fit with majority pace.
for example...
'when he finally answered;
"Yes"
i dont know
im torn bout this line because it fits well with the purpose of the poem but also disrupts the pattern slightly.
other than this, i think that the poem is fab.
really enjoyed reading it
great work
hope i have helped !
bisquit