Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
A look at the first chapter of one of my WIP's. Enjoy! (This project is still in it's first draft just an FYI)
I could see the setting sun from my position, it just hurt.
My arms ached from constant reaching from one bleacher to the other. The gym had to be done tonight, or else we would be behind schedule. Boxes and bags of unpacked decorations piled up in the corner of the gym, the hands of students digging in and pulling out wrapped up streamers, plastic stars that hung on walls, and several other various decorations packed in Amazon boxes.
It took us too long to come up with a theme for the dance. First, it was Disco, then it was Rocky Horror (but that wouldn’t have been approved by the school’s admin), then it was Enchanted Garden (too basic), Jane wanted Great Gatsby (I wasn’t a big fan of that one), until we eventually came to an agreement and went with Under the Stars. It wasn’t the worst idea, but I wanted it to be Rocky Horror. Robi came up with Under the Stars, at least he was able to pick something everyone was somewhat on board with.
Homecoming– tomorrow night, Friday. It’s Robi and I’s last year.
“Matt, what are you doing?” I spat out to the boy with the AirPods sticking out of his head, staring down at his phone with one hand and holding the roll of masking tape with the other. “Hand me another strip.” I say.
“What’s the magic word?” said Matt, the junior class’s treasurer, with his gremlin-like smirk and blue eyes so bright they could petrify anyone that looks at them for too long.
There was a dreadful silence between us that went on for longer than it should have. I stared at him with a blank expression, and with mild disbelief.
“Jeez, okay.” he said, letting out a long breath of air. His eyebrows furled up and he cocked his head to the side as he ripped off a piece of the off-white tape and stretched out his finger towards me. I swiped the strip from him and leaned toward the end of the bleacher, sticking on a coiled mess of streamers. It would have looked better if I had done it.
Homecoming was late this year, which was abnormal, but that gave us enough time to think up a theme and buy decorations for the dance. But some positives didn’t arrive without a negative. We seemed to get a bit carried away, we ended up buying too many decorations. At first it didn’t seem like too much of a problem, but the Student Council advisor, Ms. Barr, was so pushy about the fact of us wasting money if we didn’t use it all. As much as I respect her, she can be scary as hell.
I leaned away from the windows and hopped off the bleachers, I eyed Robi and Sally hard at work taping the strings of lights to the walls and doorway. Every year I seem to forget how much tape the student council goes through every year. Just today we went through two rolls of Scotch tape. We could start our own tape business if we really wanted to.
“Can you give me a time check, Sally?” I said, brushing my hands together to rub off the sticky residue of the tape.
The Junior class representative lifted her wrist, the light of her Apple Watch glared at her nose, “It’s 4:30.” Her high-pitched voice bounced off the gym walls.
“Dammit,” I utter underneath my frustrated breath, “that’s way too much time past deadline.”
School ends at 2:30.
I pick up an empty tape roll and toss it into the trash by the double doors.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the spooky S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - The narrator is with the School Council, setting up for the Homecoming Dance. They’re having it late, and they didn’t even get to do Rocky Horror as a theme, but at least it’s happening.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that “every year” could be deleted after “through”, but those are just my thoughts. You don’t have to listen if you don’t want to.
Chocolate Bar - They’re getting ready for Homecoming, which should be mundane, but somehow, it feels eerie. The way that you wrote this makes me think that something terrible is going to happen, and I like that. I like that creepy feeling!
Closing Graham Cracker - Homecoming is getting ready to happen, but the question of what is to come still remains. It’s just a school dance, so surely, it wouldn’t be too bad…right? I’ll be sure to keep track of more updates, these are all great ideas!
I wish you a fantastic day/night! :>
Thank you for reading!%u2764%uFE0F
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well this was quite a different feeling excerpt which i making me ask a lot of questions about how varied this story must be to hold both these scenes in it and with such detail too.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh an entirely different vibe on this extract, for a moment I thought it was a follow up in the way it started but no it seems we're headed in exactly the same direction here. Let's see how exactly this is going to square up here.
Oooh a little bit more of a friendly sounding interaction going down there, now that's an interesting little touch. I wasn't expecting to see quite that vibe play out here given earlier excerpts but this one seems like quite a nice friendship here.
Hmm well that seems to be mostly how this sort of thing tends to go. Quite a typical homecoming there as far as the descriptions are concerned. I think you're doing quite well with it, making it as realistic sounding as it can be.
Well that does seem like we're barreling towards quite the problem there oh dear. That is a massive time disparity and it seems they don't exactly have other plans in place either. Quite the place to end on that.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I think this is a lovely little excerpt here, you see a strong relationship and what appears to be a crucial time in a fairly important plot point there. Both seem very interesting and I just find myself wanting to read more here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
Howdy!
Just dropping by to give this a quick review.
So let's see...First of all Id like to compliment your setting. Your use of descriptive sentences such as when you described the opening of all the boxes (and quite a lot of them by the sound of it!) instantly brought home the image of the scene. I can picture tese students sprawled out in the gym with their own little sections working on this project. So wondering job there!
I also found it interesting that you brought in a lot of very detailed terms for things. You don't just mention box. It's an Amazon box. That brings to mind the fact that the kids were hurried to get this project together and bought the first thing they say. Now the details about the apple watch and the scotch tape were also interesting additions as it's been a while since I've seen anyone get so specific. Just wanted to comment on that xD
I also like that you included the battle about the theme song and how devoted the character is about having his way regardless of what the admin thinks. That brought out some personality right there. He (I'm assuming it's a he. Apologies if I'm wrong) listens to probably not the cleanest bit of music but also he stands by it. Suggests adolescent confidence and fearlessness of others input. Wonderful job slipping that in right there.
More of his personality got revealed with the argument about the tape. So this character also takes pride in his work and thinks he's better than everyone else, huh? Well....I wonder what trouble that will bring the character into later in the story.
And this worked well to include that hit of superiority that this kid would have opinions on literally every suggestion. I am amazed how much we can learn from this character without barely any interaction with other characters. Some clear thought in using this to develop an idea of the character.
And then with the thought of how much tape is wasted and how they should manufacturer their own tape to cut costs. That provides me with the thought that this kid is a little sarcastic and has a touch of defiance in him. Interesting character.
Okay I do have a lot of suggestions. Please only use the ones that appeal to you
While the entire story is incredibly casual which is very fitting for the type of work here, I did feel like the lack of periods through me off. Especially here since it was the opening line. Maybe try a dash instead of a comma here?
Here the period after "okay" should be exchanged for a comma. (Grammer rules are nuts, I know xD)
Okay two things here. First, I LOVE the part about muttering under a frustrated breath. That's a unique phrase and it really gets the thought across. Nicely done!! Now, my critique on that is that I feel like the last part of that speech was a little bit too formal. Now maybe this is just the way your character speaks but it seemed a little out of place. Maybe "we're running so behind!" Or something like that. People don't usually talk in full sentences and maybe even using a half sentence will work. That's a pretty petty detail but thought I'd mention it.
And that's it! Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. You've already got some character development going and that's great!! Hope this review helps you out some!
-Kaia
Thank you so much for reading! Val, the protagonist, is actually non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. Thanks for the suggestions!
Hey, Kaerae here! Just wanted to pop in and give a review while I was reading.
Nice descriptive language... is said in a way that the author can imagine everything that is happening. All the boxes scattered everywhere, and even the mess of streamers. I think we can all relate to a school party mess (or the mess before the party anyway) and how everything has to be done on time.~First look: It's generally well thought out, the scene is set up right away, and the characters are described.
~As the story goes on:
The dialogue between the two characters helps the readers to understand more of their personality. It seems like Matt is kind of the jokester of the group. It will be cool to see how each character is developed throughout the story. One thing I did notice after going back a second time is that we don't know the MC's name. We get to know the people around him, but his own name is never said. (unless it is, and I just am blind) Maybe in the dialogue with Matt he could say the MC name to get that out of the way.
~Almost ending: I like how all of the characters so far are a team. Everyone is working together. I hope a twist of events doesn't plant them against each other. Although, that would be a way to get a plot twist.
~Ending: Alright, we are given the little problem at the end of this excerpt. I don't think you intend to use that as the main plot, which now that I am thinking about it, we don't know what the goal that the main characters are trying to accomplish. (Rising Action/Climax) You did mention that this is only a short clip of what you had written and just based off of this part, it would be exciting to read.
~Something that I think could be made better:
To me it would have made more sense if it said The sticking out of his head is a little weird of a statement since he isn't 'impaled' by them or whatever.
I hope that this helps!
Keep writing, Kaerae
Thanks for reading!