The Fool's Gander- WIP Chapter 1 Exceprt

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is an interesting one. I'm really loving all of the lore that you have here and all the detail and care that seems to have gone into this world. Its just that as a chapter one it does seem to be conspicuously missing a bit of a plot running through it all bringing it together.

Anyway let's get right to it,

There has always been something special about the forest to him.

Corrin leaned against the river's edge as he tied his long, beautifully burnt tint auburn locks into a carelessly messy ponytail. A loose strand collapsed onto his forehead, tickling his eyebrow. In the absence of rain, the river was low at this time of year, but more than usual compared to the last few years. The village of Tarnstead Hill has been suffering a drought as of late. It is sad to see the still waters struggling as if they're trying to return to their pristine holiness. Miniscule creeks became rivers, puddles became ponds, ponds became lakes. That cycle keeps on repeating itself each year, until it undertakes a massive transformation of its beauty, when the buds start to peek. Lakes turn back into ponds, ponds turn back into puddles. And, less and less the rivers have gushed and drifted among its path. But, that’s how the world pans out. That’s how this world works. It saddens the people in this land, seeing how their water supply is at its low point of the year. Autumn comes with a dry result to the season. Gardens and farms need twice the work, and people have to travel far to get the cleanest water. In District 5, the Pluto District, that's how things are. You have to work to get a drink of water.

Hmm this is a nice little start there. A very intricate little description there. Definitely ends up with you being able to imagine quite a large swathe of what we're looking at here. It definitely ends up setting quite the mood here in terms of that setting that we got going on.

Barely any magical creatures roam the land of Pluto, from the scarce and harsh world very little number of them flourish. Those in the districts closest to the capital only have to lift a finger to get anything they want. But the river, oh the river. Even though it’s at its low point, nobody can resist the irenic flow.

It's just part of life, once again.

Hmm that one's quite the interesting bit of description there. It seems to almost have a bit of meaning in there that goes a little bit beyond just what that surface level meaning seems to be suggesting. Definitely quite an intriguing detail to be considering there. Things just continue to get more and more interesting.

From the dried lands to the occasional pandemic that kills thousands, this was home for Corrin. The dirt stuck under his fingernails or the long hikes to the rivers may faze him, he might dread it, but he still attempts to think for himself, It’s only for a season, often his complaints may overwhelm those thoughts. The youngster enjoys the busy work, but only when he chooses to do them. If he’s told to, then that’s an automatic Nuh uh for him. He is a boy from Tarnstead Hill; a village not known for much, a quiet and peaceful place more like. A calm life is something that Corrin ever wanted, and it’s granted. Throughout life, his steady routine won't be interrupted by anything. Corrin is looking forward to the arrival of spring next year. That’s the season for newborn wildlife to frolic throughout the land. Who doesn’t love that time of year? Ages may be tough, yet it’s quiet and steady for the time being.

Well this definitely seems to reflect quite a bit of lore here. Its getting a tiny bit difficult among this now to get a feel for exactly what it is the actual plot happens to be here, but the lore here is definitely interesting enough on its own that at the moment its not as much of a problem.

The kingdom of Vad has a vast majority of wildlife, vegetation, temperate forests, swamps, and marshes. It is ruled by the one and only, King Thurio. It’s inhabited by many creatures of any sorts- some may be fairies of the temperate forests, or dragons by the mountain caves, they can mainly flourish in between the central and the outer districts. Vad is separated into five districts in a circular formation-Pluto being the farthest from the center with approximately 450,000 inhabitants. It has the largest stretch of land. Its inhabitants are known for being very productive in farm work, but many often die from disease or any other cause. District 4: Mars has a population estimated around 950,000 people. The inhabitants are rather territorial and very strict about their rules for their lands. District 3: Venus. It has an estimated population of 750,000 civilians. Venus is known for their large varieties of jobs. They are home to many talented blacksmiths, tailors, shoe makers, etcetera. District 2: Mercury. Mercury is home to an estimated number of 500,00 civilians. It’s home to extremely wealthy people who often throw a lot of parties. It is the district that is closest to the center. And finally district 1: Sun. Sun inhabits an estimated population of 350,000 civilians. It is where Vad’s ruler, King Thurio, lives. The civilians spend their days worshiping their King.

Hmm that one's a bit too dense with facts though at this point. I think at this point you might want to consider toning a little bit down on the exposition and throwing quite this many numbers at the reader and look towards maybe adding in a few more of a plot thread like situation into this.

Corrin has shoulder length dark red hair. His hair color looks slightly unnatural, but that’s something that Corrin prides himself in. There is a bright gray tint to his wide eyes. Thick and straight brows characterize his face, giving him a much more angry look to it. A long chin and flawlessly smooth pale ivory skin combine with dark freckles to form the perfect combination for him. As an average teenager, he isn’t the tallest. Standing at only five feet tall. It makes for quite a funny sight to see him standing next to someone of the same age. In spite of his height, he is not bothered by it. He’s very proud of his uniquely colored hair and eyes and that’s enough for him to be happy about himself. But he can become a feisty rodent-like creature if you make him mad. It takes a lot to get him worked up, even though his idol expression says otherwise.

That's a bit of a vague place to end there. I think you really want to take a second look at especially this one. Because while yes it tell us a lot about the character and this being an excerpt this is probably not the actual end of the chapter its still just a bit too much of an info dump at this point that takes away from it, so I think some of this lore needs to be lost in favor of something better approaching the plot of this piece.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think a very promising story. There's definitely a really nice world here that very much needs to be explored in more detail, it just needs a bit of a plot here to properly make a story happen here connecting all the lovely elements outline for us here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate

Hello friend!
I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out.


Per my interpretation, this was an awesome excerpt from what seems to be an amazing chapter!

This is an introduction to a character named Corrin, who I assume will play a large part in the rest of the novel. He has a love for nature and for himself as well. In the midst of this chapter, King Thurio is introduced, as are the districts he governs.

This was a very detailed first chapter with lots of very interesting information!


If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be one small thing when you're explaining that Corrin enjoys busy work, but not when he's told to do it. You said,

If he’s told to, then that’s an automatic Nuh uh for him.

I feel like this sentence would make more sense if "nuh uh" was written more like a dialogue and looked like this:

If he’s told to, then that’s an automatic "nuh uh" from him.

I just thought this flowed better and kind of made a little more sense in the context of this quote, but, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.


If I had to pick my favorite part, it most certainly have to be the way you presented Corrin's character throughout this chapter!

One thing that stood out to me about the way you introduced Corrin was the way you showed his compassion and love for nature, saying,

Corrin is looking forward to the arrival of spring next year. That’s the season for newborn wildlife to frolic throughout the land. Who doesn’t love that time of year?

I thought this was a really great quote from this chapter because it shows Corrin's appreciation for spring and wildlife as normal and that it would be unusual if you didn't appreciate it. This is especially shown by the final sentence of this quote, "Who doesn't love that time of year?" It was just an awesome way to show how much Corrin loves nature, so kudos to you for that!

The next thing that caught my eye in regards to Corrin's character was the ending, when you said,

He’s very proud of his uniquely colored hair and eyes, and that’s enough for him to be happy about himself.

This quote did an amazing job of showing how secure Corrin is in who he is and how he doesn't let much of what others think bother him. It showed his emotional maturity really well and made him seem like a much more likeable character. So, you did a great job with that!


Overall, this was a really great chapter, and I would love to see the rest of it! You did a great job writing this, and I had a lot of fun reading it! I can't wait for the next chapter, so I'll definitely be there when you post it!

Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!