The lake was renowned for its unclean spooky aura. Its banks and its water were always covered in moss. No one in the neighborhood knew why it was so dirty; no one cared. As a result, no one was ever seen walking its banks, not even alone. Groups of friends or lovers, as was the custom along almost every other lake, were far from the catch. Despite the unusualness of it all, Lizzy found herself walking toward said lake.
“Ronnie?” she asked.
“What?” came the uncommitted reply.
“Why are we going toward that stinky lake?” she said crinkling her nose. She always found a rotten sort of smell whenever she passed within fifty meters of the lake, on the one trip she had taken with her friends. No one else seemed bothered with it. Perhaps her sense of smell was just heightened- she thought.
“’Cause we have to,” Ronnie said in an annoyed voice.
“And why do we have to?” she pressed. She had expected him to do something to get her back inside, as she had made him agree. But, he had walked the other way, without a care in the world that she trusted him to save her reputation.
He stopped mid stride and turned toward her. His brown eyes were ablaze with irritation. “Do you want to get back or not?” he growled.
“What does that have to do with this?” she asked, in a tone with a matching concentration.
“Just shut up and do as I say!” he said before turning away.
She was aware that she was running out of time. Her wrist watch read 10 37. “So, I’m supposed to follow you? Even if you lead me to that stinking lake?” she asked, exasperated.
He stopped again, turned toward the sky, and without turning around called in even greater exasperation, “Yes!”
Lizzy sighed.
What have I gotten myself into? This guy doesn’t look like he knows anymore than me…
She watched Ronnie stop at random moments and look around, as if searching for some hidden landmark. She felt she would have done the same, if she were looking for a way back home alone after getting lost. Except- she thought- she would not be anywhere hear the cursed lake. As the sky continued to get dark with every passing minute, what was left of the azure of the sky from the onslaught of whatever that substance was, peered at her from the gap between two apartment complexes to her right. The rest of the sky was velvet black, with stars twinkling here and there, tracing constellations she knew, and the sun and the moon side by side, like siblings quarrelling over the dominion of the sky. She felt the odd sensation of being watched, not knowing who was watching, and for what reason. She felt an overwhelming insignificance seep into her.
She glanced at Ronnie. She knew that he was in this mess with her. He knew what was going on, and he knew a way back. He had to; and if he did not she would make him find one. He would not be let off on the grounds of being best friends with the boy she fancied. She would squeeze an explanation out of him and make him get her back.
Her foot slipped on a patch of moss, bringing her back to reality. She cursed aloud at the stinging pain in her ankle. They had come further than she ever wanted to think possible. The putrid odor dominated her senses. There were patches of moss scattered everywhere. She did not understand how a lake could smell so bad, yet have moss covering all its banks. She faced forward to see Ronnie walk into what she assumed to be the abandoned ruins of a single-storey building at the very edge of the lake. The algae covered water touched a side of the raised ledge. The pillars had been left untouched, along with the ceiling and the raw concrete flooring. It was peculiarly clean, with no signs a bulldozer would leave. A dry log sat right in the middle of it all. Lichens covered the outer sides of the pillars where water was available, and cobwebs clung to every junction between the vertical and horizontal blocks of concrete.
She watched Ronnie climb up the ledge.
“Hey,” she asked, “why are we here?”
“To make out.” Sarcasm dripped from every syllable he uttered.
She arched an eyebrow.”Stop acting like a know-it-all. I’m only curious!” she climbed up behind him, grunting with the effort to pull her body over the ledge. Once she was up she dusted her jeans. Ronnie went ahead to sit on the log. She looked up to face him. What she saw left her speechless.
He sat cross legged on the log, his back as straight as a mannequin’s. His eyes were focused on a spot on the ceiling right above him.
She tip-toed toward him, afraid that even the slightest sound would upset whatever balance he had struck; it amazed her how in the span of seconds a person could look so different. She stared at him as if trapped in a trance. For once he looked determined and confident, and she felt the confidence seep into her conscience. She felt, after all, perhaps he could be trusted.
He snapped his attention to her without changing his position. His eyes peered down at her from over his nose. “What’re you staring at?” he asked in a formidable voice.
She snapped out of her reverie. “Huh? No. Nothing.” She unwillingly shifted her gaze to the waters of the lake. The patches of murky water that showed through the algae reflected the blackness of the sky as she remembered it. At the edge of her vision she saw him slumping again and something deflated inside her.
He sighed. “Look Crawford. If you’re going to act like I’m some sort of loser you ought to know that you’re the loser here.”
She blinked. The words sank in and she felt her primary distrust of him trickling back in, like a dam leaking. “What did you say, Hunched Bread?” she said crossing her arms in front of her.
“Oh, just stated the fact that you’re the loser here, Loser Crow!”
“Oh yeah? Prove it!”
“You aren’t that blind, are you?” he said. “It’s written all over the place. You are depending on me to get you a way back. And If I don’t there’s nothing you can do about it!” he crossed his arm over his chest and raised a challenging eyebrow.
She laughed, a mirthless, sarcasm filled laugh. “Puh-lease,” she said, “we both know that all of this,” she threw her hands outward, gesturing to everything around her, “is your freaking fault!” she jabbed an accusing finger toward him. Her tone rose to emphasize her allegation.
She knew she had won, because she knew her observations were correct. He did not answer.
After staring at her for some time, he looked away. “Just keep your mouth shut and let me concentrate,” he whispered, and then stared at the ceiling, trying to resume his original straight position and not succeeding. His voice had almost sounded guilty. She wanted to retaliate, to tell him he was the one who began this fight, but she let him be. Fighting would only serve to waste time when she was running low of it.
Lizzy huffed in frustration. Something ached inside her. He had looked so different in that one instant. She shook her thoughts away and sat down at the other end of the log, hoping and praying things would turn out okay.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle back again.
This is what I felt was missing in the last chapter. Even in the first five or so paragraphs, Lizzy is badgering Ronnie for answers. She asks question after question and doesn't seem to ever stop. That's what was missing from the previous chapter. From what we know about Lizzy, I can see her being this talkative always, so when she wasn't so before it seemed out of character.
Nitpick: it should be "do something to get her back inside the school" or "back to school". As it stands now, I'm not quite sure which inside she wants to get back to.
Still staying with that same quote, why isn't Lizzy still worried about getting back in the school? It was such a big deal in the first chapter and now it seems that she's forgotten all about it. I find it a bit odd. Only because she made such a big deal out of it though. If she was on the fence about even going back in the school, I would believe it. But she was so determined. Now it's not even at the front of her mind.
I would've liked to have seen a stronger reaction out of her. This is the first time that she's seen the sky do this and it surprised her in the last chapter. As it is now though, it seems that she's used to it. She can't be though, because she's only just seen it. Wouldn't she be staring at it, wondering if her eyes were playing tricks on her? Wouldn't she be wondering how it's even possible? Humans are curious, therefore the characters we write would be too. Lizzy seems to have no curiosity though. She just goes along with everything.
Sorry for pulling out this whole paragraph, but I wanted to focus on the start of your sentences. Every single sentence here starts with a pronoun. It gets repetitive after a while. Work on varying up your line beginnings. I noticed you doing this in previous chapters, but I also see you using a variety of starters and it flows much better. Try not to put so many of the same starters so close to each other. It's like when you're writing in first person and you have to really super focus on not starting every sentence with 'I'. Same idea, just harder with third person because pronouns don't sound so repetitive when you write them out.
Ah, now we've gotten to the good stuff. We're still kind of in the introductory stage, but there isn't much else that we really need to know before the story takes off. It's obvious that Ronnie has some kind of power or that he's somehow attached to a kind of power. I'm wondering if what he's doing is going to teleport them back. Maybe he's the one that teleported her out in the first place o.o Maybe maybe maybe. There are so many unanswered questions and I love it.
I can really tell a difference between Ronnie and Lizzy's POVs. It's funny because they each have the exact opposite personalities, it seems. Lizzy is so boisterous and is always talking while Ronnie is all focused on himself and just wants to be left in silence. I applaud you for being able to show us so much of your characters's personalities so early on.
Overall this is another great chapter. You seem to have found your style for this novel and it's very consistent so far. There's a maturity to it, but at the same time still sounds like a teenager is telling the story. It fits well. We're getting to know the characters and we're getting glimpses of this supernatural energy that's present. You've advanced the plot without really advancing it because we still don't know what's going on, but the story is still moving along. I really enjoy this story.
On to the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
It's only been two minutes since she teleported outside?! Wasn't it 10:35?? So that whole chase and conversation and sky thing only took 2 minutes? Or am I totally confused?
Watch out for how many said bookisms you use. There were a fair few of them and some stood out. There was one "she pressed" that I really liked and seemed perfect, and then some more said bookisms afterward that didn't feel nearly as natural. I noticed a number throughout the piece so it may be worthwhile going through with a special eye for them. My strategy is to base it around where I want the focus. Said bookisms take focus away from the dialogue, so I use them when it's a short statement or exclamation and the important thing is the body language or tone. Since said is invisible, I stick to that in a longer exchange so the dialogue bounces smoothly between the two speakers without distraction.
"As the sky continued to get dark with every passing minute, what was left of the azure of the sky from the onslaught of whatever that substance was, peered at her from the gap between two apartment complexes to her right." This is a really clunky sentence. I suggest simplifying/restructuring.
The paragraph starting "Her foot slipped on a patch of moss" had a choppy rhythm to it. I think the sentences are all a bit short and similarly structured, so perhaps more variation would help.
I had a hard time following what triggered the name-calling. The argument seemed a little out of the blue.
Again I'm surprised that the chapter ends here. I expected a little more from the scene, like a little bit of insight. We encountered the lake, which was cool, and there's obviously some imrpotance to Ronnie's meditation, but it's just a little lacking for me. There are a few bread crumbs but not enough to keep me interested. I've heard a scene described as a "unit of tension." So far, it seems that most of the scenes have ended before reaching much of a conclusion--that is, they have a beginning and middle but then kind of meander around. The only progress we've made with the plot is a change of location. Other than that, I'm not sure what this chapter really accomplished. Tiny hints, too vague to help me piece together what's going on.
If the mystery is the main focus of the book, and I'm not going to find out for a long time, unfortunately I have to say that it's not enough for me and as a reader I would stop. Waiting and waiting just isn't compelling enough. Maybe it's neat to have the mystery be a focus of a whole chapter or even two chapters, but I'm getting impatient now.
Let's see what we find out in chapter 4, shall we?
Megrim, I ardently thank you for pointing out the things I wasn't sure of, because everyone else is too nice to point out these things to me. I will fix these things. Have you read chapter 4 BTW?
I ran out of time but will do it soon!
Hello! I read through the prologue and the first two chapters, but it seems like you have a lot of good feedback for those already so I didn't post any feedback there. (If you'd like me to go back and give feedback, I'd be happy to oblige.)
Where did this lake come from? Based on the last couple of chapters, I was getting the vibe that this was taking place in an urban setting. Maybe try to give a better sense of the setting in the previous chapters so it's not surprising that a lake is suddenly sprung upon us because I don't remember any mention of a lake in previous chapters.
Some word choice things:
In bold - you can find a smell?
Underlined - "whenever" implies that she's been there more than once; however you later say she has been there one time.
Capitalize "She". I'm noticing this throughout that you're not capitalizing pronouns after dialogue.
Also, not sure what "in a tone with a matching concentration" means.
How so? I wasn't aware that there was a time crunch here. Running out of time before someone realizes she's gone?
New paragraph here.
A word choice thing: "peered" implies that the sky can look at her, or this substance can look at her.
She seemed to like him there for a second when he was sitting there, then she called him a loser and was back to not liking him, now she kind of likes him again? I'm confused.
Well I'm a little confused. I think you have an interesting premise here, but I think you need to s l o w d o w n. I don't have a good sense of where we are, what this world is, or who your characters are (and I really did read the parts that came before this). Slow all of this (all of the stuff that came before this part, too) way down. Who is Lizzy? Where is Lizzy? What is Lizzy? Same with this guy (don't know his name). I want more description. I want to feel like I'm right there with the characters. I want you to paint me a picture of where they are and what things look like and feel like and sound like. I want more sensations. I think I'm really confused about what's going on because I don't have a strong sense of the who and the what and the where.
I like the mystery you're creating here, but you can give your reader a little more just so we feel oriented. What kind of school is this? Why is it such a big deal that Lizzy is out? Why is okay for this boy to be out? Why is it so hard to get back in? That type of stuff.
Other than that, I think you did a fine job stylistically. Everything flowed pretty well and it was technically good. Just slow things down a little and I think you'll take this to the next level.
Let me know if anything was confusing or you have questions about anything!
Hey! Anna Rae here for a review. Now, I haven't read any of the other chapters of this story, so forgive me if I get some things wrong, but I'll try my best.
You've got a nice story going so congrats
So first, the first couple of sentences in the chapter are highlighted and underlined as if they're some kind of link.... little confusing but they don't lead anywhere so...?
But it's a fairly hooking beginning nonetheless. I like your description and background info - something that I can tell is your strong point.
I also noticed that the characters talk as if they're little kids. I don't know how old they are because I haven't read anything but this, but they sound like they're like 10. "stinky lake," "just shut up..." "... to that stinking lake," I don't know, it just seems like something small kids would say. So if your characters are meant to be teenagers or adults, you might want to change the way they talk
The actions and plot are clear, though. There was never a time where I was confused even though I haven't read anything before this. You are a clear and presise writer and I enjoyed your style. You have great word choice, as well, something that always attracts me to a story.
And although it sounds a little immature, the dialogue is entertaining and funny.
Over all, I think it's a good chapter. I didn't really see any grammar mistakes either