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Broken

by ChrisDixon


Broken and shattered

The pieces of posts.

My heart sinks

To the lowest level.

All for nothing,

That's what isn't fair.

Breaking my heart,

Shattering my love,

My pieces of life

Out of time.

Ways I tried,

Nothing succeeds

In this world.

Now I know life,

isn't ever fair.

Now I see that

life could never be clear.


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410 Reviews


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Tue Mar 31, 2020 4:42 am
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Liberty wrote a review...



Heya Chris!

Hope you're doing well. I'm here for the review that you requested. ^^ Let's get right into it now, shall we?

Alright, you have a very relatable poem here and I like the fact that I can 100% agree to the lesson that's been given to the readers. Sometimes you get it the easy way, sometimes you get it the hard way. I got it the hard way and it seems this person, who's life is being broken bit by bit, also learned it the hard way. <3 You create sympathy and I look for that in every poem I read. Especially if it's emotional.

The second and third line both start with "Broken", and it sort of seems choppy to me, and it doesn't flow well. Maybe use a synonym for it instead?

Now, the fourth line-

The pieces of posts.


Sort of confused me. Maybe I didn't get it? Or maybe I'm not that good when it comes to homonyms, haha. I read the first reviewers comment on it and I'm guessing it has something to do with imagery. That helped a tad bit but I guess I would need more explanation to that since I didn't completely get it. ;-;

One last thing I noticed was that you used a lot of commas - even in places you didn't need to use it in. In my opinion, that kind of made the poem a bit hard to read with all the commas. I guess you could say it made it felt sort of choppy.

Well anyways, you did a pretty great job with this poem. Keep it up! I hope this review helped in some sort of way. Of course, if you have questions, feel free to ask me whenever!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




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36 Reviews


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Tue Mar 24, 2020 8:48 pm
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starlitnight wrote a review...



oo i like this poem! i definitely relate to the poem, especially when i'm going through a tough time mentally.

just one small question though.

By Silent night sky


is this line a part of the poem? i got really confused about it. for some reason i'm thinking that's who wrote it haha. sorry if i'm mistaken~

but otherwise, this is a great poem! keep up the good work! ^w^

~laynie <3




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Sat Mar 07, 2020 6:01 am
AndName wrote a review...



Hi!


Here to review your poem! :) I think this is a really relatable poem and your writing is very clear. It's about being disillusioned about life, thinking nothing's the way it should be? I think everyone feels like that at times, I certainly do.

In the first line 'silent' is capitalized. I'm not sure if you did that for emphasis, but since other parts aren't I don't think that's the case. Oh, you could easily play around with capitalization in this poem because it has so many strong words, sort of like Emily Dickinson's work! :)

The next two lines both start with 'broken' which might also be intentional, but read kinda blocky. And 'pieces of posts' makes me think off broken off and jagged fence posts which is a very strong image! Great job!

The connotation of 'Works for nothing' doesn't really fit like it could. If you put something like 'feels for nothing' it would work much better with the emotional feel of this poem.

How you end the poem sums everything up, tying the jagged pieces of a feeling, into one sentence which gives it a really nice finished feel. The feeling of being useless, like the worlds spinning out of control, is something all of humanity faces and you did an amazing job of capturing that difficult feeling!

Great poem! :)

As for the comment you just left on mine, I was slightly hurt and am not afraid to say it. What you said was blunt and I couldn't control how the publishing center behaved :( I don't think it was the nicest way to go about asking me to maybe retry editing it because it's hard to read the way it is. When commenting or reviewing on someone else's personal work, I almost always put at the bottom something about not meaning any harm in what I say, because I know what writing means to me and how vulnerable that part of myself is. Even if the work i'm reviewing is hard to read, I point out the things I like about it so they don't give up writing altogether. It's important to give constructive criticism but also praise so they can grow stronger and better as a writer.


AndName




ChrisDixon says...


Thank you for the review, it helped a lot. You know sometimes you can't see the mistakes, till others point it out, and you are like "Oh! I should have known better! It's my work." But mayber that's the reason you need reviewers.
Again thank you




Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly