Young Writers Society

Hi Chris, here again as requested!

I have to agree with Lavvie that I found myself pretty confused by the last four lines. Before I got to the last four lines the poem felt like it was grumpy or agitated against people who talk too much, and then the repetition of "cup of tea" felt oddly passive-aggressive, because it's very proper in the context of this poem about chit-chatting getting annoying. And then when the line "they are gone to hell" appears out of nowhere I'm like "what is going on here?" then in the last to lines you just float back to inconsequential lines about seeing...

I think that you need to figure out what you want the poem's mood to be - angry, or passive-aggressive, or brewing from resentment into full-blown hostility. Because right now it is hard to get a sense of it which makes it difficult. Once you've decided on the mood of the poem you can really push the language to communicate it, right now it feels actually a bit like you've brainstormed things that might be said about the topic but haven't really arranged them in any order to communicate meaning / clear emotion. Hopefully that makes sense! The image / metaphor of a brewing pot of tea can be a very helpful one to communicate anger, so you have a good start here.

Some areas for improvement:

I would just eliminate the last two lines they aren't adding to the plot and are sort of a strange way to the end the poem.

"chucking" means like throwing or puking, I think you mean "chuckling" which is like laughter.

The poem starts a bit odd too rather because it doesn't start as a sentence but a half-phrase, maybe you could say, "from the perspective of a child" rather than just starting in at "perspective of a child".


Hopefully some of these points helped! Right now I think the poem just needs some more thinking on direction and what impact you want the poem to make, then edit out everything that doesn't communicate that meaning and arrange the lines and language in a way that adds to the emotional communication of it.

Best of luck, never stop writing!!

- alliyah



Happy Review Day from #TeamDarkCyan

Hi@ChrisDixon.
I like this poem. I loved how you beautifully explained it from a child's point of view.
This is very well written and easy to go with.
How a child feels absurd when adults go out of control with people they are aquainted and otherwise they remain silent.
The concept is quite nice and well knitted. I liked your piece of work. And I feel title is too chosen well.
All the best for future work
From BHAVYA

Hello Chris! I'm here as you requested.

It's clear that you are a fan of short lines in poems and a simple vocabulary. I agree that simple can really pack a punch sometimes. However, I also feel that if lines are always short and sweet, you fatigue the potential impact of that short & sweetness. Don't be afraid of experimenting in poetry. Go for long lines, go for short ones, make it one really long sentence - do whatever you're most nervous about and see what happens. You can't really make a mistake - that's the beauty of poetry!

I'm not sure if I really understand what's going on here. I get that you're trying to write this from a child's perspective, but if that were the case I wouldn't necessarily be using words like "loquacious" or "hell" - it doesn't make sense considering the speaker's identity. I also want you to ask yourself: What is your intent with this poem? What are you hoping to convey to the reader? These are always good questions to ask yourself because it forces you to identify a purpose with your poem.

Cup of tea,

They are gone to hell.

Cup of tea,

And ones to see.

Very interesting piece -- I like the repetition and the way the poem seems to represent the way a child views the world around them.

I like that the poem is straightforward and that there aren't any lines that make it difficult to understand; I will say, however, that there are a couple of lines that seem a bit out of place. One example would be the use of the word "loquacious"; while the word is apt when put in context alongside of the piece, this particular word seems to be a bit odd. I would consider swapping it for a synonym that keeps more in tune with the simplicity of the piece, but it's just a personal preference thing!

This part:

"But when they meet / Ones they know"

Seemed a bit choppy when I was reading it; did you maybe mean to change "ones" to "once"?

The line "gone to hell" stands out a lot to me and I actually really liked it -- it interjects a lot of intensity, especially considering the fact that it's more towards the end of the poem.

Overall it's an easy read, and with a couple of alterations I think it could definitely be even better! The repetition of the line "cup of tea" helps keep everything flowing smoothly, and it's interesting to see how a child views the tumultuous world around them.

Write on!!

Hello! Here to review your work!

I just want to start off by saying great job! I really enjoy poetry, and this one is really good! I like that is it from the perspective of a child, I mean that makes it make more sense.

You really have to think about this one because the point isn't just out there. Which is a good thing for this type of story (unless I'm missing it, but either way). You really leave the reader thinking.

Oh, I reread it! Okay, I fully get it now! And you are so right, adults don't talk as much when not around friends but then again some do. From a child's view, that's probably why they act out a lot. So they may have a hatred towards them. Ah, man! I feel really stupid that I didn't get that at first! Really great poem!

I can't wait to read more of your work!

from your friend,
_ @PlainandSimple _

Chis Dixon, you did a awesome job! I think you can make other good poems. right more poems so that I can read!