Like a green leaf
Soft and young
Filled with youth
We shall live
‘Till the day we shall die
To live again
Oh, precious days of youth
As someone has said
You have to die to be born again
Youth inside you shall die
And you shall be the older self
Solemn and different
With a matter of life
In your hand
You shall sacrifice yourself
To be a greater person
Oh, to live a life
Like the solemn shadows
Hanging their heads low
Bowing to the world once again
You shall live to die
Oh, precious days
Oh, precious love
Oh, dear my precious life
You shall die to live again
Oh, to the closing of the youth
Like the youth of life
You shall grow
Like the wild flowers
Unknown to the world
But known by the God himself
Oh, precious is the days you live
‘Till you die
And ‘till you live again
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi, Euphoria here! This poem's short comings has kindly been pointed out by Morrigan so apart from that, I really have nothing to critique in this poem! So I will comment on the meaning that you have given through it!
I find this extremely relatable, it's a little saddening but it's always bound to happen, isn't it? We're going to lose the youthfullness, the innocence we all once had and we're going to bow our heads to the world, turn into different people.
But I like how you mentioned that we are only growing and that may not necessarily be a bad thing because we may become greater people at the cost of sacrificing ourselves, we may become better and stronger! And then again we will die and again we will live, like a never ending cycle!
Overall, I enjoyed this poem! Thanks for sharing and keep growing <3
Thank you for the review! I know what, you just encouraged me!
Have a splendid day!
You're welcome! Yayy I'm glad I got you fired up!
have a fantastic day too!
Hello ChrisDixon! Morrigan here to review your poem!
I see from the comment you left on your piece that you were having trouble with spacing on YWS. If you hold shift when you enter down, you will get a single spaced line. Then when you want to break for a stanza, just don't hold shift! I know it takes some getting used to.
The first thing I noticed about this poem is it's wordy. You repeat a lot of the same words or variations of words, and you can cut a lot out of this and get the same meaning. In poetry, less tends to be more! So today, I'll be talking to you about streamlining your poem. It's something that I use for my own poems while editing!
Let's look at this section:
First, take out ALL unneeded words and lines. Anything that doesn't make the syntax function.
Already, that's a lot less wordy. But let's take it a step farther by rearranging some things to make it flow even more smoothly.
And there you go! All of the original meaning with less of the wordiness. A concentrated essence of your first draft. Now go forth and do that to the rest of your poem.
The next thing I'd like to talk about is imagery. I dig the leaf imagery, but I would take it farther, and make it a motif in your poem. Instead of continuing on to preach about big concept words like you do, compare stages of life and losing youthfulness to how a leaf yellows and falls, but then rises again in the spring. I feel like that would be appropriate imagery for what you're trying to do in the poem.
Furthermore, use more imagery! You only have three instances of imagery in your poem, and it's just the image of leaves, shadows, and wildflowers. Choose a space to put the poem in, and bring the reader into that space. Are you in a rainy forest? Are you in a prairie? Somewhere else? I challenge you to include an instance of each of your five senses in this poem. Imagery is important!
Following that train of thought, you use a lot of abstract nouns in your piece. Abstract nouns, on their own, aren't terrible, but when you get a poem chock full of them, they're not anchored in anything. They float around, and die and live lose significance because you repeat them so often. One thing that I do when I'm using too many of those is I rewrite the entire poem without using any abstract nouns. Find ways around them by using metaphor and simile. You already know what simile is since you start off the piece with one. Try messing around with striking abstract nouns from your piece entirely, and see how you like it!
I hope that this review proves useful to you. If you have questions about anything, feel free to message me, and I'll help you out! Keep writing, and happy YWSing!
Thank you for the review! The imagery of the leaf, shadows, and wildflowers was just to give the reader idea of how it looked like & stuff but now that I think of it I think you are right. The advice about the abstract nouns was really helpful!
Thank you so much for the review and the kind advice!
Have a beautiful day!
It was written seperately after a few stanzas but I could not type it that way here without using up too much space. I apolgize. Thank you for enjoying this poem. I hope you have a nice day!