Trapped
Can't get out
Must escape
Where am I?
I can't tell
I am lost
Among the blind
Where are you?
I can't see you
Anymore
The light is gone
Where'd you go?
Are you gone?
Why did you leave me?
What did I do wrong?
You're gone
Trapped
Can't get out
Who am I looking for?
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140,963 Literary Works • 673,794 Reviews
I agree that the lines "trapped" and "can't get out" could be combined, it might help the poem better.
--rach
It also might be interesting if you tried getting rid of some of the "I" 's, we did a project in school once where we had to get rid of all the "fat" from our poems; taking out all the words that weren't necessary. I don't know if I'd go that far with this particular poem but taking out some words could be interesting for instance:
Where am I?
I can't tell
I am lost
could be...
Where am I?
can't tell
lost.
You might have to go back and add more detail to some of the lines, but it tends to make the lines stronger on their own. I like the poem a lot though.
Sounds like a bunch of thoughts that were strung off in rapid, machine-gun fashion...
And that makes it uncomfortable to read. The clautstrophobic feel of the poem in that case if brilliant. However, I'm betting there's more than one reader on here who'd dislike that quality of the piece. I enjoyed it, but I think perhaps you should reduce the lines and combine them all.
For example:
Trapped
Can't get out
could go like this instead:
Trapped; can't get out.
you get the idea. It just makes it more simple for the other readers. Personally, I liked it the way it is, but I'm sure someone else will disagree sooner or later.
It's a good piece; keep 'em coming.