Remember when we used to laugh?
To roll on the ground and stare at the sky?
Remember when it was just the two of us?
When nothing came between us?
Oh,
Remember when, remember when,
We were happy, free
And in love?
Do you remember all our good times
And how you supported me through the bad?
Oh, remember when we were so carefree?
How I long for those days again
But I fear, that now
It can never be
Remember when, remember when...
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,963 Literary Works • 673,794 Reviews
please keep in mind that i was writing for a school assginment and whipped it off in five mintues right before we had to turn it in.
Hi! Firstly, welcome to the site!
The title of this caught my eye so I read through the poem and I have a few general comments for you, as opposed to a line-by-line critique.
At the moment, this just doesn’t seem personal enough. I agree with ScriboErgoSum - the images and language are very generic:
This could be any couple in the entire world – what makes this couple special? Why should we read a poem about them? A reader wants to be surprised by language or impressed by imagery or forced to look at something in a different way. In fact, there are a million different things that can make a poem appeal to someone. It all depends on the individual.
You should try brainstorming and imagining – what is it that makes this couple unique? Why did nothing come between them? Why were they in love? How did they support each other? Why does the speaker fear these days are gone? These are all questions you could try to answer, because at the moment these are just stated as facts. Ask yourself ‘How? What? Where? When? Why?’ and you’ll get more ideas. You’ll draw the reader in much more if they have to think about your poem. Hopefully then they’ll remember it, or at least a particularly good stanza, line or metaphor.
I hope this helps you out and if you have any questions or want me to look at something else, just let me know.
Sorry, but I'm going to say that after several readings, this poem strikes me as being too unoriginal. It's the cliche story of lovers who, somehow, aren't together anymore. The choices of words, too - "[we used to] roll on the ground and stare at the sky", "Do you remember all the good times and how you supported me through the bad?" - come off as cliche. There aren't really any memorable images or thoughts.
The poem also seems to lack rhythm. It reads choppily.
I think you might have something here if you re-worked the poem so that the message is more creative and not so vague. It's not that the meaning of the poem is bad, because it's not, it's just bland from overuse. Also, if you used more fiery description, the poem would be more interesting and memorable.
I hope I haven't seemed too picky, and hope my review helped. Good luck.