The Chosen: Prologue

Prologue

Italy, 1006:

A majestic griffin sat atop the greatest of churches in Vatican City, surveying the dark streets for any sign of trouble. Yet there was none. It was the darkest hour, right before dawn, and the city slept. Quite honestly, it deserved the rest, as the dawn would bring only more war to the already bloodstained streets. Seeing nothing, the griffin spread its great wings and glided around and into the open doors of the church. A yellow and white garbed figure knelt before the altar, praying feverishly. At the clatter of the griffin’s claws, the figure rose and turned around, revealing itself to be a woman holding a crystal-topped staff. She was quite a lovely woman, with thick, light brown hair and gray eyes. The only flaw was the fog that clouded her sight. She was blind.

“Well, Amhik? Anyone or anything out there?” Aleina, Chosen of Light, asked, petting the griffin gently. Amhik shook his head as he purred in that grumbling, eerie way that griffins do, enjoying her touch.

“Any news?” a hard, deep voice asked. A tall man stepped out the shadows by the pillars holding up the beautiful Gothic church. He was bald, and dressed in a sleeveless red jerkin that had seen better days. He walked with the grace of a panther stalking its prey, and was obviously a seasoned warrior.

“None, Corus.” Aleina replied, sending Amhik out again with a whispered command. “The Truth seems to be waiting until dawn to strike.”

He snorted. “Typical. Deal the final blow at dawn. Pah!” he spat on the floor. “Pitiful.”

“Corus, please!” Aleina reproached sharply. “This is a church, not one of your training grounds!!”

“Isn’t that just like a Chosen of Fire.” A snide female voice came from the door. A woman dressed in billowing blue and green robes stood at the door. Her thick, curly brown hair was pulled back, and she had two rosy spots on her cheeks from hurrying to get there.

Corus’s eyes narrowed. “Liliana.” He said in an icy tone.

“Corus.” She replied in the same tone.

“Where’s Korteni? Weren’t you supposed to bring her? Or did you just kill her off like the wishy-washy Chosen of Water you are?” he accused snidely.

She raised an eyebrow. “For your information, hothead,” she said, causing his face to turn redder than it already was. “She’s locked up in her room scratching away at that dumb book. She threatened to kill me if I disturbed her.”

Aleina sighed. “Liliana, you know we need all the Chosen here to hold a Council. If we have everyone but Darkness, the balance will be upset. Go fetch her.”

“But-“ Liliana tried to protest.

“Go!” Aleina pointed out the door, finding the direction by feeling the breeze that blew in from the open door.

“All right, all right.” Liliana grumbled, stalking out the door. “But don’t blame me if she takes my head off.” With that, she left.

Corus sighed. “Finally. Some peace and quiet.” Aleina shot him a withering glare, dissuading anything he might have said after that.

Suddenly, the doors that Liliana had just closed slammed open again, banging against the walls. A young, blond, good-looking man dressed in vibrant green robes came whirling through and immediately went to Aleina. “What is the meaning of this?! Calling a meeting at this hour?! What of us that need our sleep?!” he shouted, his voice growing in volume.

Aleina’s voice remained a mask, for she was used to dealing with his outbursts. “Calm yourself, Mikael. Where is the patience that befits the Chosen of earth?” she said, as she always did when he got like this.

“Gone with my sleep.” He growled, clenching his fists. The ground beneath them began to tremble, a sure sign of his fury.

Corus placed a hand on his shoulder. “Careful, Mikael. You don’t want to bring the church down on top of us.” He squeezed briefly, then let go.

His friend relaxed. “Forgive me. I am… tense. The ground is so filled with blood that I cannot reach my plant-brothers. It is… difficult.”

Aleina smiled gently. “The war has been hard on all of us. Bloodlust clouds my Sight. I’m afraid I may never see the light of the sun or moon again.”

“Ah. Yes.” He said softly. He raised a hand to pass over her sightless gray eyes, still beautiful even though filled with smoke. “I forgot you were blind.”

She caught his hand and lowered it. “I am only blind in my eyes, Mikael. My heart sees more than you can ever know.” She released his hand and turned away, facing the altar again. Mikael stood there, surprised. She is different somehow. He thought. Like someone going to an execution. He was about to put a hand on her shoulder when the doors that had closed after Mikael had so rudely opened them burst open again.

Liliana came through them once again, though this time dragging a young woman whose black robe spread out behind her like crows’ wings. “Why did you drag me here?” the woman demanded. “I need to finish my book!”

Aleina turned around to face her elemental opposite. “You may finish it later, Korteni. There are more pressing matters at hand.”

“More pressing than documenting the war?” Korteni asked pertly. Her rich, raven-black hair fell around her shoulders, accenting her angularly rounded face and dark blue eyes. The slight tilt at the edge of her eyes hinted at Asian ancestry, counteracted by the strong nose and lanky limbs. She couldn’t have been more than twenty five.

“Yes.” Aleina answered, getting slightly annoyed. “More important than that.”

Korteni raised an eyebrow. “If it’s so important, then where’s Crystal?”

As if on cue, a tall, gorgeous blonde came sweeping through the open doors. She wore robes of sky blue, and her wavy hair flowed down past her shoulders to rest at waist length. She had an aura of regality around her, which was merely accented by the string of pearls around her forehead. “Forgive me.” She said in a breathy voice that dampened the aura.

“You’re late.” Corus growled deeply.

“I lost track of time.” The woman said breezily. She caught sight of Korteni. “Korteni! Dear, how are you?” she immediately went over and enveloped the stiff girl in a hug. “Are you eating well enough? You’re looking a bit peaky.” She leaned back to look at her, then hugged her again. “Oh, it’s been too long.”

“It’s been eight hours, Crystal.” Korteni said flatly.

Crystal let go of her and frowned. “Oh, poo. You’re no fun.”

Aleina clapped her hands. “Please. Now that we are all here, the Council may begin.” The Chosen complied, forming a circle seated on the floor Indian style.

“Why have you called this Council, Chosen of Light?” Corus intoned, as was the custom.

Aleina looked around the circle, eager faces all. They looked at her, waiting for her answer. She closed her eyes and lowered her head. “Origion has spoken to me. The final blow against The Truth will be struck when Aska has risen to his highest point in the sky.”

“Today?” Liliana gasped.

Aleina nodded, spurring a roar of grateful noise. “She raised a hand, and they silenced immediately. “However, we must give all our power to the Gods so they may seal The Truth away.”

The Chosen stared at her in disbelief, for they all knew that giving away their power would cause their death immediately. Korteni leapt to her feet. “What about my book?! My Necro-“ she cut herself off, realizing what she was about to reveal.

Aleina turned her head in Korteni’s direction. “You may finish it when the Council is adjourned. Until then, hold your peace.” The Chosen of Darkness shrank back down and took her seat again. They might have been elemental opposites, but Aleina was the most powerful Chosen among them, and most likely the most powerful in history. Korteni wasn’t about to challenge her authority. None of them were. “Now, I know that giving up our power means that we will die as well.” She said. She lowered her head. “It is a small price to pay to seal The Truth for a thousand years or more.”

“Only a thousand years?” Mikael burst out. “That’s barely a wink for him!”

Aleina turned her sightless gaze onto him. “Yes, but it will mean a thousand years of peace for Earth and Cephiro.” He looked down, shamed into silence. She looked back at the rest of the group. “It has been an honor fighting alongside you all. This Council is adjourned.”

Korteni jumped up. “Finally.” She swept out the room, son followed by the rest of the Chosen. Mikael lingered as if to say something, but thought better of it and left.

Aleina walked over to the altar and sank down onto it in exhaustion. “Dear Luna, guide us through this…” she sighed, pleading for the goddess of the moon to help them. Hearing no response, she closed her eyes and slept, a fitful sleep wracked by nightmares.

The next day, at noon, the Chosen died to seal The Truth away. As predicted, he slept for a thousand years, gathering power from his growing group of followers. Then, in 2006 CE, the seal broke. Completely shattered, and The Truth was released into the two worlds once more. Cephiro, the world that shared a magical core with Earth, felt the shock waves and repercussions of such a monumental event, however, Earth felt nothing. Since the days of the war, the humans of Earth had declined slowly into violence and there was only about 20% of the shared magic left on this war-torn world. They had forgotten what it felt like to work with magic, and scoffed at those who still believed it existed. They lived in ignorance until May 13th, 2006.

Comments & reviews · 6
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Bickazer
Review

Prepare for a very nitpicky line-by-line review. >_> Sorry, I really don't know how to review any other way.

Quite honestly, it deserved the rest


The "quite honestly" is superfluous and only serves to make the sentence more wordy, so you could delete it without losing anything.

A yellow and white garbed figure knelt before the altar, praying feverishly.


This could just be my preferences, but I think this would sound better as "a figure garbed in yellow and white".

At the clatter of the griffin’s claws


"Hearing the clatter of the griffin's claws", perhaps?

She was quite a lovely woman, with thick, light brown hair and gray eyes.


Remove the "quite a" to strengthen the sentence.

The only flaw was the fog that clouded her sight.


"Her" only flaw...and perhaps replace "sight" with "eyes", because I feel that "sight" isn't the right word here. "Fog clouding her sight" seems to imply a more...figurative meaning, i.e. she can't see the truth, whereas "eyes" is more physical and leaves no ambiguity about her vision.

He walked with the grace of a panther stalking its prey,


Nice usage of figurative language.


“Corus, please!” Aleina reproached sharply. “This is a church, not one of your training grounds!!”


Ack! No! Please, please, don't write dialogue like "character dialogue-tagged adverbly". It's weak writing and is a prominent example of telling instead of showing. In most cases you can just use "said" or no dialogue tag, and adverbs should be used sparingly.

“Isn’t that just like a Chosen of Fire.” A snide female voice came from the door.


This, however, is an excellent example of how to do dialogue. No tag, just a description of what's happening. Try writing more like this; it gives the reader a better picture of what's happening.

and she had two rosy spots on her cheeks from hurrying to get there.


I can see what you mean, but this is a rather awkward way to put it. Er..."her face was flushed from the exertion of hurrying to get there"...but that doesn't sound right either. >_>

“Corus.” She replied in the same tone.


"She replied just as icily", maybe?

Where’s Korteni? Weren’t you supposed to bring her? Or did you just kill her off like the wishy-washy Chosen of Water you are?” he accused snidely.


More dialogue-tagging adverbly. :) Be careful!

She raised an eyebrow. “For your information, hothead,” she said, causing his face to turn redder than it already was, "she’s locked up in her room scratching away at that dumb book. She threatened to kill me if I disturbed her.”


Corrected.

Corus sighed. “Finally. Some peace and quiet.”


This might be better rendered as "Finally some peace and quiet", but whatever, it's your call. :)

Gone with my sleep," he growled, clenching his fists.


Lawlz, nice retort. Fixed some dialogue grammar issues though.

She is different somehow, he thought. Like someone going to an execution.


Thoughts should be italicized, and again made a few grammar fixes.

though this time dragging a young woman whose black robe spread out behind her like crows’ wings.


Like the figurative language.

More pressing than documenting the war?” Korteni asked pertly. Her rich, raven-black hair fell around her shoulders, accenting her angularly rounded face and dark blue eyes. The slight tilt at the edge of her eyes hinted at Asian ancestry, counteracted by the strong nose and lanky limbs. She couldn’t have been more than twenty five.


Why does Korteni get more description than the other characters? It's nothing major, but I'm just wondering. Is she more important, or were you just lazy with the other characters? ~_^

As if on cue, a tall, gorgeous blonde came sweeping through the open doors. She wore robes of sky blue, and her wavy hair flowed down past her shoulders to rest at waist length. She had an aura of regality around her, which was merely accented by the string of pearls around her forehead.


Again, I have to wonder why you're describing Crystal more than the others.... “Forgive me.”

She said in a breathy voice that dampened the aura.


Er...what aura? *confused*

Aleina nodded, spurring a roar of grateful noise.


I don't think there's enough people at this meeting to make enough noise to "roar". Just something you might want to keep in mind.

She raised a hand, and they silenced immediately.


"And they fell silent immediately"?

The Chosen stared at her in disbelief, for they all knew that giving away their power would cause their death immediately.


Wow...a shocking revelation. I can't help but feel, though, that it would be more effective if revealed in dialogue rather than flat-out stated. Have the Chosen recoil, but don't explain what they're shocked about until one of them lets loose in dialogue that they don't want to die or something like that. This would be more effective at creating dramatic tension, I think.

“Now, I know that giving up our power means that we will die as well.” She said.


Here's a good place to reveal why the Chosen are so shocked. You don't need the earlier bit, then. :)

Aleina turned her sightless gaze onto him. “Yes, but it will mean a thousand years of peace for Earth and Cephiro.”


...Cephiro? If I'm not mistaken, that's the name of the fantasy land in the anime/manga Magic Knight Rayearth. And it's spelled exactly like that. So you'd probably want to change the name...

The next day, at noon, the Chosen died to seal The Truth away. As predicted, he slept for a thousand years, gathering power from his growing group of followers. Then, in 2006 CE, the seal broke. Completely shattered, and The Truth was released into the two worlds once more. Cephiro, the world that shared a magical core with Earth, felt the shock waves and repercussions of such a monumental event, however, Earth felt nothing. Since the days of the war, the humans of Earth had declined slowly into violence and there was only about 20% of the shared magic left on this war-torn world. They had forgotten what it felt like to work with magic, and scoffed at those who still believed it existed. They lived in ignorance until May 13th, 2006.


Whaaat...whaaaaaaaaaaat...WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

No. No. NOOOOOOOOO.

And it was so good~! I was seriously getting interested. I mean, I love how your characters all had such distinct personalities, and your world seemed intriguing as well, but...

Please, please, please, don't end a chapter on an infodump. It destoys all dramatic tension and reads more like a history text than a novel. Let this information be slowly dispersed through the other chapters; don't just cram it at the end of this one. That is a very poor way to tell a story. There are many articles on this site about description, and inserting description gracefully in the course of the narrative instead of shoving it in infodump paragraphs; they might help you. But please...by all that is holy...you must excise this infodump. A much more effective way to end the chapter would simply be for all the Chosen to leave, silent, weighed down by the knowledge of the sacrifice they will commit--but don't go on to show the sacrifice nor show the repercussions of their sacrifice. This would be effective at illustrating the gravity of their decision.

I did like the story idea, though, and am intrigued at seeing where it's going (let me hazard a guess...the Chosen are going to be reincarnated in the modern world?). I love the way the story began, with the Griffin flying through the Vatican--it was a very effective way at pulling the reader straight into your world and making them feel like they're a part of them. I also like how your world is mingling both the magical and the mundane...I've always been a sucker for that kind of story. O_o And although the idea of the people once being magical but no longer isn't the most original, it seems you'll handle it in an interesting enough way.

I am fascinated, and believe me I do want to read more. The only real beef I had with this was the infodump at the end. Remove it and the story will be fine. :) The best of luck in your endeavors!

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Anna Graham
Review

I like it! Your characters are believable, your dialogue is creative, and you keep the reader interested! Good work! I'm excited to read the rest of it!

Just fyi: There's a book called The Chosen by Chaim Potok. It's not that big of a deal, because the title fits your book perfectly, i just thought you should know.

PM me when you write more!

Thanks,
--Anna

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Kaylyn
Review
Kaylyn wrote a review · Sat Oct 25, 2008 12:15 pm

Awesome paragraph, please keep writing it. It was a bit of well... how can i explain it? You had me so built up over the characters and that the darkness would come up with something...and they just kicked the bucket. WHY?

If there is a continuation I suppose then It will be a good story. Please PM me when you get more posted on this. Great job, good luck, and keep writing!

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Chosenofair
Comment

See, the thing about this is that it's a prologue. It is the beginning to another story. This just sets a sort of tone for it, and provides a bit of backstory. If I had just launched right into the main story, then everyone would be confused. The main story doesn't take place in this church, at this meeting. This is just and introduction.

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Griffinkeeper
Review

Oh my god! Griffiny Awesomeness!

*Stars*

The first paragraph was awesome. Just plain awesome.

Then there were the other characters. They spent way too much time talking, then you went and just said "oh yeah, they die."

It's kind of a cop out. We were expecting this exciting prologue, so it was kind of a let down when you told us the outcome. All the time and effort spent on each of the characters and the oh so awesome gryphon kind of came to nothing.

I'd keep the gryphon scene, since it is really pretty. Maybe you can use that for another opening?



"While we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one."
— Albus Dumbledore