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Welcome to America

by ChocolateCello


Welcome to America,

the land of all that's great.

All can live a peaceful life,

assuming that they're straight.

.

Welcome to America,

the kindest place on Earth,

where everyone is supported

if their gender is from birth.

.

Welcome to America,

the land that's just and right.

All people treated equally

but only if they're white.

.

Welcome to America.

We help all who we can

to get a steady, well-paid job,

assuming they're a man.

.

Welcome to America,

the home of the free and the best.

But if you're not a straight, white, cis-male

you'll likely be oppressed.

.

.

A/N A lot of these problems are getting better, but not nearly fast enough. I know that they're are a lot of other problems but you can only put so much into a poem. Feel free to state an opinion but please don't turn anything into a debate.


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Sun Jul 31, 2016 11:34 pm
Magebird wrote a review...



Hi, ChocolateCello! Mage here to review your work! So let's get to it, shall we?

I love everything about this poem. I love how you wrote, the rhyme scheme, the format, and the meaning of it. It's all unfortunately true, but like you said, they are starting to improve.

Sometimes, at least in my experience, rhyming can hurt the poem rather than help it. In your case, however, it enforced the points you were trying to make and made the piece flow better as a whole.

One of the best things about this poem is how you would present a statement (such as saying that American lives are peaceful) before presenting a twist (such as those lives only being peaceful if they were a straight American).

I really enjoyed reading this, and agree wholeheartedly with every point you made in it.

Keep up the spectacular work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D




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Sat Dec 19, 2015 11:16 pm
MJthesongbird wrote a review...



Oh gosh, this is a perfect depiction of America today. I hate how people treat LBGT, colored people, and women these days. I have to deal with stupid hipster kids, cussing and making LBGT, racist, and sexist jokes all day long because they think it's "Cool" . True, America is slightly better than other places where you're severely prosecuted for religion, sexuality, and gender, but only by a little bit. humans are afraid of things that are different, so it's common to see homophobic and sexist people who are still in the past. I think this poem shows us that we should start accepting new ideas instead of sticking with the old ones. I give this poem five stars.




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Fri Dec 04, 2015 5:14 pm
groganbabygirl wrote a review...



Alright-- you did a very good job on the poem structure. The sarcastic irony you used very effectively to get the point across. I agree with the previous comment that you don't hate America-- seeing as you are part of us. Also, I would say that you may be slightly unfair to America, as the problems of judgmental people, racism, and homophobia extend to all of mankind, not just the U.S. People are opposed to change, that is why things don't change as fast as we would like them too. Don't get me wrong, I hate dealing with judgemental people as much as you, but limiting those problems to American society seems unfair. Just my opinion-- no debate here :)))).

groganbabygirl




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Thu Nov 05, 2015 10:18 pm
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rubykae wrote a review...



Wow, I agree with/love this. I live in America too, and would have to say that these are the issues I think about on an almost daily basis. I like seeing others address and talk about this stuff too- especially other younger people. This kind of stuff gives me hope that our generation can pull it together, at least when it comes to the HUGE issue of equality.

The irony in this poem gives it an amazing impact, especially in the sense that you started each verse with something that very pro-America people say all the time and then stating something completely contradictory to that statement. You definitely got a laugh out of me multiple times.

The structure of this poem is great too- you did a really good job keeping a good rhythm throughout every verse. The rhyme scheme helps with this as well and again adds to the humor of the piece.

This is really good, and you should try to write more about your political views. I think anyone who agrees with them would love to read them.




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Mon Oct 12, 2015 1:16 am



I love this poem so much! I found myself agreeing with it a lot! I think you make very good points about America's hypocrisy and double standards. I don't read poetry much but this is one of my favorites!




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:34 pm
Selena1016 wrote a review...



i absolutely love the sarcastic irony that you used.
you perfectly shed light on major problems that are plaguing americans in modern time and its very important that someone is doing this.
i would love it if you did more specific pieces on the problems you highlighted because they're very important and affect lots of people's everyday life






Thanks! I actually have a few WIP poems on these topics ;)



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Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:17 pm
copgraveyard wrote a review...



This isn't a debate.

I get that the U.S has problems, but it's the stance that you take that damages the potential that this poem has. In a sense, this is very whiny and it sounds like a kid complaining because they didn't get what they wanted. Okay, cool, you don't feel like this is the right place, but don't hate the U.S. You are a part of it, therefore you hate yourself. It's the point of view that the narrator has that makes me and other readers feel detached.

thanks.






Hey! Thanks for the review! I can see your point of view on the 'whiney' part. A bit confused about 'Okay, cool, you don't feel like this is the right place,' though. The U.S. isn't the right place? YWS isn't the right place? Please make things a bit clearer.
Another thing here 'You are a part of it, therefore you hate yourself.' Hm. Not quite how it works. Also, where are you getting the fact that I'm from the U.S.?
It would be great if you could further explain how the reader feels detached, too. Maybe then I could take the review into advisement when writing future works. Still a bit confused on how to improve, though I'd be happy to do some editing if I knew how to fix it.

Thanks-
Cello



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Sat Sep 19, 2015 11:50 pm
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claire72 says...



good kjonifchgf




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Fri Sep 18, 2015 10:10 pm
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steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review!

First of all, let me just say one thing.

WHY DOESN’T THIS HAVE MORE LIKES?

*coughs*

Actually, I’m not sure how helpful this review is going to be because I enjoyed reading it so much. What you have to say really resonates with me (Sociology is one of my subjects at school and I’m also very passionate about equal rights for everyone) and I feel like it could apply to many Western countries. We have an “illusion” of freedom, peace and equal treatment but in reality life just isn’t like that. As you probably know, I live in Britain and the sentiments are pretty much the same over here – we might like to pretend we’re a forward-thinking, progressive liberal society but we have sooo far to go…

Writing-wise, I feel like your rhythm flowed a lot more smoothly than in some of your previous poems. I also really liked the repetition of “welcome to America” and the sarcastic tone to the poem. I actually only found one little nitpick, and that is that the “welcome to America” in the last verse but one ends with a period, whereas all the others ended with commas.

So yes, I feel like this might have been a pretty pointless review, but I just wanted to let you know this poem is now one of my favourites. :D




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Wed Sep 16, 2015 10:26 pm
cleverclogs wrote a review...



Hey, CC! cleverclogs here for a review!

This is so true. We still have huge problems with all of these things. One of the previous reviews mentioned that homophobia isn't a problem anymore because same-sex marriage is legal. Well, that doesn't stop non-heterosexual people from being murdered on the street. I loved the sarcastic tone you gave it by stating that America is kind, great, etc., then adding all these exceptions. It felt like an epic smackdown to me (which it is).

Now, since this is a review, I have to give you some suggestions, so here goes:

Firstly, I think that the effect of the irony might be stronger if you introduced the "oppression" idea later in the poem. Like, you could ramble on a bit more about America being great, then add all the exceptions. I don't know if this makes any sense at all, so feel free to ask if you have questions.

the land that's just a right.


This line doesn't really make sense to me. Maybe something like "true and right" would work better?

Something else I think you could work on is delivering the last lines in better ways. A lot of the last lines in the stanzas say something like "assuming they're x", and it starts to get a bit repetitive. Maybe do something to mix it up a little.

Overall, this was a great poem. I feel like it's the start of an awesome slam poem. I love how it points out the problems we have in today's society that are blissfully ignored by people who want to cling to the delusion that America is the greatest country EVAR! Step one is admitting you have a problem. We're never going to get anywhere if we don't do that, and that's what your poem did. In an epic way! Thanks for sharing this, and keep up the great work! :D






Thanks for the review (first one with actual critique) and the 'a right' was a typo'





(Oh hey, quick question) So was it specifically the word 'assuming' that felt repetitive or just the whole concept of 'but not if-'



cleverclogs says...


Just 'assuming', really. And the previous lack of critique was the reason I decided to review this, by the way :P



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Wed Sep 16, 2015 8:51 pm
camillefalgout wrote a review...



I looove this poem! I like the topic of America because lots of people can relate to it. I liked how you used repetition, it brought the poem together. I love how the first three lines are something good about America, and then the last line shows the inequality of the situation. Brilliant work, I love how it is written! I hope to see more from you.




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Wed Sep 16, 2015 8:31 pm
ticktock123 wrote a review...



Great poem! Short and to the point, it really gets the message across effectively. Not sure if everyone can agree with you, but definitely relatable.

The rhythm is great and the rhymes are amazing. I love the repetition "Welcome to America"-it makes this phrase so forced and fake by the end that your point comes across even stronger.

I also think its clever how the first 3 lines is sugar coated, but the last is like a catch...
Great poem.
Tick tock




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Wed Sep 16, 2015 8:11 pm
basia77201 says...



Wow. Finally someone writes something about how it REALLY is these days. This is extremely annoying, all these problems we have. But its going to get worse. At first I thought that this poem was going to be about the good of america, but then I finished reading the first stanza. Wow was this poem written well. Great job! I really have no criticism, so I can't wait to see more of your work!!!!!




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Wed Sep 16, 2015 8:11 pm
basia77201 wrote a review...



Wow. Finally someone writes something about how it REALLY is these days. This is extremely annoying, all these problems we have. But its going to get worse. At first I thought that this poem was going to be about the good of america, but then I finished reading the first stanza. Wow was this poem written well. Great job! I really have no criticism, so I can't wait to see more of your work!!!!!




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Wed Sep 16, 2015 8:02 pm
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GLaDOS wrote a review...



I really like this poem. It brings up a topic that not many other writers seem to care about. But this was in the past, America is opening its mind a bit to all, rather than only allowing certain people to do certain things and be certain sexualities.

You are right, or at least, you were. America today has allowed people to marry the same sex, has taken down the confederate flag, and has opened up jobs for not just men, but women as well. You are stating this in the present tense, as if this is how it is now. Sure, some people may still not agree with it, but there is no law saying that you must be straight to have a well-paid job.

But, if you were talking about a time before the 21st century, then you'd be right. And if so, this would be a bit better in past tense.

Also, you made a bit of a careless mistake in the second stanza. "Is" is meant to be "if."

But hey, nice work.

-xJ ♥︎






Hey! Thanks for the review! I'm kind of thinking of the more minor issues the groups mentioned are facing today. Although there had been improvement (Legalization of same-sex marriage, taking away segregation, etc.) there's still quite a bit of room for more improvement. Police officers are still discriminating african americans, people of the lgbt community are still being hated against, even to to point of physical violence in some cases, and women still face the wage gap. I agree, things are better, but we're not quite to the point of equal rights yet.




Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
— Mark Twain