I can’t think
I can’t focus on
anything.
Nothing is flowing like it should be.
I feel like a rushing river
that’s been stopped up by a dam.
Will it be like this forever?
Am I always going to be
up at all hours
scouring my brain for inspiration?
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So if anyone has an idea I'd love to hear it XD
Hi there, chibi!
So, nice poem. I like the stark simplicity. However, I do have a couple of pointers.
First off, I would introduce more imagery. Imagery allows is to relate to you. You have a little bit of it in here, but I would further encourage you to make it original imagery. Try to think of something that no one has ever done before; look at something without all the usual ways. What does it really remind you of, personally? Use the human side of your imagery instead of what is usually used to describe something.
Next off, punctuation. This will be brief. Your structure is extremely jarring in this little piece, and I think that you could probably throw in a couple of commas to loosen it up. Try experimenting with line breaks and punctuation. It's great fun. I promise. c:
Overall, nice piece. Let me know if you have any questions or are curious about anything I said, and I'd be really glad to help.
HELLO!
I enjoyed your poem and I do agree a stronger ending is needed, but i'm not sure what yet . . . maybe i'll come back to it.
I think the style and structure of this poem would work perfectly if it was similar to a poet's named E.E.Cummings you may have heard of him or you may not have either way, i'd look at one or two of his poems and impliment some form and structure techniques into this and it would really make it stand out.
Also, I think more imagery is needed. You have slight, but i think more imagery, would lead to stronger emotion which would lead to a killer ending. i think you need more imagery like that of the dam, either describing the same in more detail, Wood lodged unnatural places as splinter rupture from painful waves(bad example i know) or describe other imagery that has the same effect, i.e. dead ends.
Just a though, let me know if you need anything.
~Retro Disco666
I think I know what you're going for, but you haven't quite reached it yet. There's something that this poem needs, but I'm not sure exactly what yet.
The thing about poetry is you have to paint a picture with words--not always a mental picture of something in nature or something, but you need to always have a wide vocabulary. 'Scouring' was the probably the best word in the entire thing because it held so much power. You use the word 'be' a lot as well as it's forms: 'as' and even 'is'. Try to use different verbs than what people say every day.
But overall, you did a nice job with this. I enjoyed it. Keep writing!
Currently the poem haven't got much substance to it. Just a bunch of words, however this is easily fixed if you put some sort of meaning behind the poem. Make the poem much more about being braindead, perhaps. Make it more interesting and colouful, use imagerys or some other things. You've shown me that you can do that, right here:
That was probably my favourite stanza. It's got really nice imagery in it.
But, back to improving the poem. I also think that you can make it much longer. Alright maybe not that much longer, maybe about two... three? More stanzas.
And like Flower~Child has said, it's really a bit too short to comment on much. But so far, it's good. Keep it up!
Hey, Flow here and I will be your reviewer for the evening.
I think this is very short and simple, but there isn't much meat to it. I like the metaphor you have here but there isn't much more to it. On the second line I would change it to just "can't focus on".
I would also put the line "Will it be like this forever?" On a line all to itself.
I think it would sound better if you added some colorful adjectives in this and some more metaphores. Other than that I don't really know what to say. It's to short to really comment much.
-Flow-
This was interesting, as for the ending...i agree with you. it does need work. But at this moment i think im braindead too. XD So i can't really help, except to say I would like it to flow a little bit better. I think the ending is throwing off your flow. So when you fix it, it has the greatest potential to be a good poem. I also think that this poem should be longer. Be more descriptive and give imagery and situations, things like such. Other than that. It's good. Keep at it! Happy writing!!