Young Writers Society

Hi Marms! Becca here for a quick review.

I think this piece definitely qualifies as humor, and I did find myself smiling and laughing throughout. I think you'd describe a mundane thing we do everyday really well. The only suggestion I really have is maybe not to use "therefore." This isn't an argument piece, or a traditional essay, so you don't really have a point to prove.

I think this piece could also definitely be longer, with more of those wonderful details and images everyone can relate to. Keep writing!

*has 12hr+ flight on Tuesday and was kind of hoping there would be more suggestions for surviving it*

*also probably going to be scared that high up*

ANYWAY.

According to Joyce Meyer, charming Christian author, “Patience is not simply the ability to wait―it’s how we behave while we are waiting.” That is something one must been in mind when traveling for many hours on end, especially when trying to fall asleep on the flight.

They dream of a reality where they can close their eyes in America and open them in Thailand!

- sleeping pills
- comfortable clothing
- a friend or two

Hello @marms,

Short and sweet... I enjoyed reading your essay! I've logged many, many (perhaps too many) hours at 30,000 feet so I could relate to your topic well.

I do have a few gentle, constructive comments for you:

"According to Joyce Meyer, charming Christian author, “Patience is not simply the ability to wait―it’s how we behave while we are waiting.”

Here, I would write either "According to Joyce Meyer, a charming Christian author," OR "According to charming Christian author, Joyce Meyer, ..." It makes more sense grammatically.

"That is something one must been in mind when traveling for many hours on end, especially when trying to fall asleep on the flight.

I think you might mean "bear in mind" rather than "been in mind"?

"Plane rides are typically boring, unless the passenger has purchased internet or packed many entertaining gadgets like toys or devices stacked full with music, movies, and books. Even the short flights are a pain to sit through. One is always eager to get to their destination where the real fun beginnings. Therefore, most travelers aim to sleep on their flights. They dream of a reality where they can close their eyes in America and open them in Thailand!

I knew I wasn't the only one who had this dream.

"An individual planning to venture on an exciting trip to a far away haven must prepare for the journey. Sleeping pills will help one sleep when the REM state seems impossible to attain. Before leaving for the airport, the passenger should put on comfortable clothes, perhaps even pajamas if they’re feeling it!

Amen! I'm fond of gym wear and flip flops myself.

"Lastly, one should never travel alone, instead with a friend―or two!―so they can lean on them and not a stranger because, of course, when one is traveling it is always about them―at least the screaming child seems to think so!

This is a run on sentence. You might want to try chopping it up into smaller individual sentences, that coincide with individual thoughts. For example, "Lastly, one should never travel alone. Instead, travel with a friend or two. That way, the travelers can lean on each other rather than a stranger because..."

"Sleep is a wonderful blessing when cruising through the skies; ask most passengers and one can see for themselves! Furthermore, the plane ride is always worth it in the end, because the adventure awaits."

Nice job wrapping things up in the final sentence.

Overall, I though this was excellent work marms. Hope to see more of your work here on YWS, and if you have any questions, feel free to drop me a PM.

Write On,
mav


Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com