E - Everyone

The Lucky Ticket

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The sound of hundreds of bicycle wheels clicking filled the night as they rode towards the Lottery Retailer. Poppy’s heart pulsed with excitement, ambition, and dedication as she looked back at Georgie clutching onto her sweater, his red blanket flying in the wind and the rest of the neighborhood on their bikes following her lead. It was a strange feeling.

She and Josh locked eyes, his face held a strong look that only added to her anxiety. She knew what he wanted her to do. Poppy had just turned eighteen a few weeks before, the money could be hers legally. She could leave New York, leave her father, and make a life for herself.

When she looked at the lottery ticket she saw what she could only feel were prophecies, fate. Georgie, in a safe home, far away from her father. Poppy was the one who raised him anyway. She saw college, with her grades Poppy could go to Berkeley. And most of all, Poppy saw freedom, something that salivated her mouth and rattled her spirit. Something that responsibility took from her when her mother passed away.

Poppy strained her break as she slowly came to a stop in front of the small shop. The many other bicycles stopped with her causing a chain reaction like dominoes. After parking her bike, she lifted Georgie out of his baby seat and rested him on her hip. As she held on to him, the ticket in her breast pocket and her neighborhood following, she entered the lottery retailer.

Only Josh, Poppy, and Georgie entered the shop, the rest of the neighborhood stood outside looking in through the windows like eager children window shopping a toy store. Poppy put Georgie down and held his small hand, together they walked up to the counter.

Quietly, Poppy took the ticket out of her breast pocket and slid it under the glass, “My lottery ticket won.”

An old woman looked up, her glasses resting on the bridge of her nose, and reached for the ticket. “Your name, Miss?” she asked.

“Young. Poppy Young,” she replied, eagerly. It was like watching all the fantasies she’s been having in her mind since she picked up the ticket that fateful night, unfold before her eyes.

“You’re aren’t in the system, dear. Let me look up the ticket number…” the old woman spoke with a bored voice only adding to Poppy’s building rage. It’s fate, she reminded herself. “Ticket number 5473 belongs too...hmm strange there’s no name but it was bought.”

It’s fate, Poppy reminded herself. She was chanting it like a prayer, almost like magic. “It’s my ticket,” Poppy reassured the woman.

“I’m certain this ticket is fake, Miss,” the woman spoke with a strong voice, looking Poppy in the eyes. Poppy knew she looked like a crazy person, because in a way she was.

“I’ll go to other lottery retailers,” Poppy nodded to herself and reached out her hand, wanting the woman to give her ticket back.

The woman obeyed and handed her the ticket, but with a reply, “I am certain your ticket is fake. You could go to all the lottery retailers in the state and they would say the same thing. You’re not in the system, it doesn’t count. Better luck next time,” the woman ended with a sorrowful smile.

With a rage boiling inside Poppy’s soul, she snatched the ticket from the woman’s thin wrinkly hand and stomped out, hitting her shoulder against Josh’s on the way out. It’s fate, she reminded herself.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
occymay
Review
occymay wrote a review · Thu Nov 17, 2016 7:57 pm

Hello!

I liked this piece even though I didn't quite know what was going on at the start (but I suppose if I read the book I would).

Positives-
I really liked your imagery at the beginning, it was easy to see what you were trying to describe. I really liked the sentence " Poppy’s heart pulsed with excitement, ambition, and dedication as she looked back at Georgie clutching onto her sweater, his red blanket flying in the wind and the rest of the neighborhood on their bikes following her lead." the best. I think it is because of how you describe Georgie, you can see how much he relies on Poppy just by how you describe him clutching to her jumper.

Improvements-
I know this is meant to be your own version of a story by another person so people who would read would know, but I feel it could do with a small amount of description of the characters. I think this will help add to the imagery at the start and help the reader to imagine the characters. Do ignore me if it isn't what you want, I do love my description :D Other than that it was really good, I couldn't see any mistakes or grammar errors.

Overall, this piece is really good and well written, so well done. Keep writing :)

Thanks! This was an excerpt so it doesn't hold an entire story, it's just one scene.

User avatar
EverStorm
Review

Hey! EverWinter here for a review!

Oh wow, Marma, this was beautiful! The imagery was fantastic! I could see every moment and every face. For some reason, in my head, this was set in France? But I figured it out after a minute XD

So what I would suggest to you is making Poppy's (love her name by the way, it's so cute!) emotions more tangible. I want to feel her anxiety along with every ounce of hope! So maybe be more descriptive in that. I know you're really good at it ;)

I'd also suggest maybe using more contractions in your dialogue. It would seem more natural.

Other than that you did a great job! I always love reading your works! You are a fantastic writer and it makes me sad when you get self conscious about your writing.

You are amazing! Forgive me for such a short review!
EverWinter

User avatar
Rosella
Comment

AHHH yours is so much better than mine, gah xD



The strongest people are not those who show their true strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.
— Unknown