Dear John: You do NOT Define Me

Dear John, 

 My beauty does depend on your opinion. I thought it did, but when manipulation and buttering me up come into play, I understand now that I am beautiful whether I believe you or not. I am a liar, yes I know. I did things that are disrespectful  not only to you and your body, but also deeply hurtful to mine. I do not understand why I listened to your voice, that little lie that you told : "We're best friends." "No one will know." " It's our secret."   I trusted you, considering you as my nearest confidant and caring brother, you told me nothing would come out of that; no strings attached.  You threw my trust, purity and innocence out the window with every item of clothing you requested me to remove. I listened, stupidity at its finest, am I right?  And yet you tell me that I broke YOUR trust by telling, hilarious. 

I told because I was hurting. You said that you cared when I was hurting, you said that you would respect me. I should have known better than that when I answered that FaceTime call back in Panama City at midnight. You took my innocence as if it was a scratch piece of paper and threw it in the garbage. Is that what I was to you? What I am? A slut to be used for a boy's petty lust? You were raised just like me, how come you are so different? You said you loved me at one point, but now I see that you used that to get what you wanted. I was vulnerable and you used that. You took advantage of me and my sheltered existence that was already hanging by a fragile thread. Now, to this day, I still feel like I deserve the Scarlet letter. 

You tell me now that you miss the old me. You know something? So do I. You want me to go back to the little old Catherine that knew nothing of sex or dirty thoughts. But how can I when you made me this way? You skewed your words and made it appear as my fault. I believe you and because of that I felt like I had to punish myself. Congratulations, if it was your wish for me to be scarred, then you have succeeded. I am scarred, mentally and physically. Because of our mistake, my future husband is robbed of being the only person to see my body that was only meant for his eyes. You blame my lack of risk and adventure? I blame your audacity to coax and twist the words that came out of your mouth. I was scared of you. You threatened me in a subtle- almost an undetectable- way, I felt like a dog, an animal in your pathetic game. Let me go, I am not your fuck buddy any more. I have you figured out now. You aren't the little innocent boy I had met back in junior year. Thanks to two of my closest friends that actually value me for my humanity helped me stand up to you. That day was the worst day of my life. Telling you to leave me alone and you yelling at me for telling...again... But I was done, do you hear? I am done. I am never going back to the way we once were. They opened my eyes to realize that you abused me, verbally. And also sexually. The deadly truth now revealed to my already hurting eyes. How could you use me like that? I mean really... I trusted you. 

You touched me, with your hands, with your words, undressed me in your mind and used your eyes to imagine things with me that not even a married couple in the Holy Matrimony blessed by God  would even dare to do. And you did this all behind my back as you stared me down. At the time, I liked it at first. Because I thought that was normal, but once I started to back away, you became enraged. Who did you think you were, my owner? Do you see the pain in my eyes at lunch time at school? The tightness of my chest during chapel when I sit at the piano as you keep your eyes plastered to the screen where the Christian song lyrics were. The nightmares that repeat themselves every night since we've fought. Do you see this, or do you see it all as a sick game to get back at you for treating me in such a terrible way. I can never see you the same again. There are many layers to you, even your best friend has told me that. He doesn't even know you. I don't think I even knew you when we called each other best friends. I can't believe I even called you that, oh my god...

You said I broke you when I rejected your offering of romance. I told you no because I didn't want to be your doll. I wasn't going to stand for that. You said you were invincible until you met me. Good. You needed to be broke, and I needed to get stronger. I was afraid of you for a long time, but now I am voicing my story. Some wouldn't believe me because they think you're an absolute angel. Most people don't believe the girl anyways. They say " it's because of the way you dress. " or "boys will be boys." Slap your wrist and be on with it. Bull crap. Complete and utter bull crap. I am going to voice this and not be afraid. I am done with being used. I am done with crying over you and your ways. I am tired of trying to change you. I will no longer be apart of your harem. You treated me as special but all you wanted was self gratification. And thinking I was the Hero, gave you what you wanted: my skin, my body. I take myself BACK. I clothe myself again and walk away and never again will I return- no matter how hard you cry for me, or threaten me. I am done. 

The hurt is still there and the wound still throbs every time I see you and remember the innocence we once had together. It was just two teenagers having fun... Trusting each other. Never again. I loved you... I sincerely did. But never again will I give out my love so freely. 

Though this all happened and I am changed. This does NOT define me. This does not change my inner beauty, I have not changed for you. . The scars do not define me. The memories do not define me. Yes, I was weak, but my weakness does not define who I am. I have no label, besides the label of Beauty and Strength.

I am beautiful. 

I am strong. 

You do not define me.