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Angels Pt. 2

by CateRose17

9th Floor

The walls were a pasty yellow, tinged with the darkening stains of blood. There were no windows or open doors on  Floor Nine, just flourecent lights that flickered every now and then. Gruff men and scarred women walked the halls in mixed matched, patched body armour with guns strapped to their thighs; they made no contact, no conversation. This was work, this was worry, there would be no time for niceties. They all passed a locked door. She was behind that door.  Dead or alive-  he didn't know. The Soldier brought in the girl with no knowledge of her information besides the precise circular invasion of one of the Democracy's many bullets. His gray  kevlar was still wet with clumps of blood and flesh from Ara's wound. He leaned against the cracking wall. He had to go out and look for more survivors. Rey wasn't intelligent, but he knew what bullets and fire could do. He knew there would be no survivors. He wiped the dirt out of his black shaggy mane. Rey looked as if he had been sewn together from different pieces of humanity. In contrast to his black hair, his skin took on a gray and palour complexion while his eyes appeared exotic with their navy blue color. His peers dubbed him the " Doll of the Rebellion", his parents had called him an angel when he still had them. He hated being called an angel. He was a soldier, he killed people; he had bad days.

But she was behind that door.

Perhaps today had been a good day- for the girl. He had been expecting to find a body that was charred by black fire or ridded with bullet holes, but he found a girl who was barely still alive. He could have put her out of her misery, but no, he didn't. Rey picked her up and prayed against his will that he hadn't been too late. It was a revelation: to save someone. He eyed the door expectantly as he heard movement behind it. It opened and the doctor left the room without a word. Doctors never said anything, it wasn't a place to speak. They wanted to give the dying some peace after all. Rey also picked up that doctors never left doors open, but this door was left open for someone: him. The soldier rose from his spot on the wall and pushed open the door lightly to reveal the creature that lay in the coveted bed before him. The girl looked... different. Granted, she had been bathed, but there was something else. She looked peaceful, lovely even. Rey inhaled sharply. Was she... dead? He placed a rather large quivering hand on her tiny chest. No, she was still alive. There was movement to her and a small sound now and then from her mouth that his ears were barely able to read. But she was alive. Rey gave a shake of his head. The girl couldn't be human, she was too beautiful...too delicate to be human. Then he stopped, he too couldn't be human according to his looks, she was also his contemporary because the girl in the bed could not be less than thirteen; Rey was eighteen. He smirked, that was where the similarities ended. She probably had a heart that... cared for people. He shuddered at the thought then realized where he stood.

He stood in a hospital room where  the  girl lay, breathing because he had brought her in. Rey put his head in his hands, groaning," The  hardening solution failed. My platoon's going to kill me!" He steadied himself on the edge of the bed, and closed his eyes, annoyed. It just didn't seem worth it now.  Then Rey reeled back at the brush of fingertips across his hand. As a soldier, he had never been touched, so the sensation was all but lost to him. But the soldier boy didn't exactly shy away. Instead, he opened his eyes and looked down into the most inhuman eyes he had ever seen.

8 Seconds

It took Rey only eight seconds to realize just how unearthly Ara's eyes really were. They were the colors of a fawn and the rich earth you would find under a riverbank or after a good forest rain. Amber gold sketched the edges of the girl's irises delicately with finesse. Her fingertips hadn't moved from his hand which made him think that she wasn't scared of him. He had expected her to be terrified of him, but no, she wasn't. Instead, she held his gaze solidly and unmoving. The young man opened his mouth to ask the routine questions, but all that came out was a quiet and shaky:

" Will you live?"

This question was asked several times by his buddies in the platoons and by civilians, but it was odd coming from his mouth. The voice that had just asked the question wasn't his voice, it sounded weak, dry- desperate even,  but it came from his mouth all the same. She broke the stare by closing her eyes. It seemed as if she had fallen asleep, but she had an answer for him in the next moment.

"Yes." Was her answer. it was short and tired, but it was enough to allow Rey to exhale the expired air he had held in for a minute without realizing it. She must have seen the relief wash over his face because he felt her grip tighten. Rey met her eyes again.

"What is your name?" The young man asked, repositioning his hand in hers slightly to feel the full surface area of her tiny fingers.

" Ara. You're Ray. " She replied gravely. Rey raised an eyebrow," How do you know my name."

Ara gave a smile, lifting her hand from his to finger the brass rectangle on his chest," Nameplate." He sighed in understanding and smiled when she chuckled. But the moment was lost when she did not replace her hand in his palm. Now that he had felt contact, he craved it, he wanted more; just a fingertip. The chuckling ceased when Ara realized that the simple act caused fire in the wound, so she drew back into a  sheltered state. The young man stood there in a silent panic as he saw that Ara was succombing to slumber. Rey watched dejectedly as her precious eyes drooped to a close. So, feeling as if he was needed elsewhere, the soldier boy lumbered quietly to the door. Then, he was stopped by Ara's drowsy, hoarse whisper.


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91 Reviews

Points: 6950
Reviews: 91

Wed Jun 01, 2016 2:59 pm
burninhell wrote a review...

Okay, so, I loved this! I already completely ship Ara and Rey. Your description in this piece is great! And I really really liked Ara's small display of humor when she taps the nameplate. It was super adorable.

In terms of grammar I noticed a couple of small errors, usually where speech was involved. I'll list a couple of examples.

the brass rectangle on his chest," Nameplate."

Here, because it is not a new sentence as a comma has been used, the word 'nameplate' does not need to be capitalized.

The same sort of thing happens here
Rey raised an eyebrow," How do you know my name."

Here you may be better off starting a new sentence rather than using a comma after 'eyebrow'?

" Ara. You're Ray. " She replied gravely. Rey raised an eyebrow," How do you know my name."

Also, because it is two different people speaking you may want to put the speech on different lines, so a new paragraph after 'gravely'.

One final point
" Ara. You're Ray. "

Here, and in a couple of other places you have left a space between the speech marks and the words, which you don't really need to do.

But yeah, they're only some small grammatical errors. From what I could see everything else looks great. And your description and plot all look incredible!
I loved it!!! Can't wait to

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13 Reviews

Points: 241
Reviews: 13

Tue May 31, 2016 3:29 am
decco6226 wrote a review...

Again, such an amazing chapter. I love how it changed point of view from the last one. I also really liked how you described that dying can look beautiful, peaceful. It reminded me of a fairy tale, or the movie Pan's Labyrinth if you've seen it. Also besides the descriptions you do of the character, I also found it inspiring how the solider thought it was lucky, nice to find someone who wasn't totally destroyed, and had a chance of living. Besides a couple spelling and grammar errors, I loved it! This story has so much potential, and it's amazing!

Keep it up! Please!

CateRose17 says...

Thank you yet again! You are so kind. No, I have never seen the movie Pan's Labyrinth, but it sounds really cool! In reality, it is nice to find someone who isn't totally destroyed by something awful. So of course, I had to add that in the story in an interesting way. Please tell me the spelling and grammar errors, I would love to fix them! I shall keep it up and I'll tell you when the next few chapters are up!

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802 Reviews

Points: 18884
Reviews: 802

Sun May 29, 2016 5:16 am
Dracula wrote a review...

Hey there and Happy Review Day! :D

The first nitpick I found was this: There were no windows or open doors on Nine Floor. You just need to swap around Nine and Floor so it reads floor nine. I normally wouldn't point out such a small detail, but it disrupted the nice flow I had going. Which leads me to the next thing I wanted to comment on; your opening descriptions were brilliant! I love the way you described it all, you have a lovely writing style.

But she was behind that door. It's great how you made it clear that this was the only thing that mattered. He didn't have to keep going, but she was there, so he would. A little later on, a similar revelation happens. You wrote this: She looked peaceful, lovely even. Rey inhaled sharply. Was she... dead? It stood out to me as really interesting. She was peaceful and lovely, and he wondered if she was dead. To me, show just shows how high-spirited the girl is, and how that's what he loves about her so much. So when she's peaceful, all pretty and neat... he just can't imagine her being alive.

"Yes." Was her answer. it was short, breathy and tired, but it was enough to allow Rey to exhale the expired air he had held in for a minute without realizing it. I found one thing you could improve. The word 'breathy' just doesn't do anything for me. Try brainstorming some different words, or just erase this one altogether; the sentence is descriptive enough without it.

That's all from me! This is a beautifully written piece with characters who were easy to get to know. Well done. :D

CateRose17 says...

Hello! And thank you so much for reviewing. I have already fixed everything you said as soon as I saw your review (or tried to anyways lol). I apologize for just now replying to your review. You were totally right about the Floor Nine thing. I reread it and it interrupted a lot. The word 'breathy' was not needed, thank you for pointing that out! Again, thank you so so much!

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184 Reviews

Points: 236
Reviews: 184

Sun May 29, 2016 1:16 am
RoyalHighness wrote a review...

Royal here for a review, as promised!

Alright, so I'll make this pretty short. It's a busy day, after all.
Overall, pretty good. There are some small spelling mistakes and some diction errors, like "invasion," which was a weird choice. Again with the quotation mark errors like last time; there are places where the quotes are around the wrong word. And there are some places where you need more punctuation, whether to cut up a run-on, or complete a dialogue attribution. Remember that you need commas, question marks, or exclamation points after dialogue that has a dialogue attribution. So you'd write, "'Ara. You're Ray," she replied gravely. And "How do you know my name?" And again, you can't use a complete sentence as a dialogue attribution. So when you have sentences like "Rey raised an eyebrow," that has to be punctuated by a period before the dialogue can follow. I think it'd be good to look over my last review because I'm seeing a lot of the same mistakes.
Other than that, the flow is really good. Most diction choices are well-made, and the character development, while slow, is apparent. Good job!
As for the plot, it's moving a little slowly, but so far, it seems interesting. Hasn't lost any pep. Keep it coming!

CateRose17 says...

Thank you! This was already written before I posted it on the site, so I shall work diligently on my quotations and whatnot. Your critiques are very much appreciated.

Wild animals are just as confused as people are now.
— Jack Hanna