4 – Fairy
Sarah runs back down the frozen gravel path, her heart pounding against the fragile cage of her chest. She cannot hear whether her mother is calling after her because blood rushes to her ears, deafening her. Clouds of dancing snowflakes billow around, a shimmering white ball gown.
The tinny sound of Christmas carols pulsate out of the juke boxes scattered around her at the various stalls. People’s laughter echoes through the frosty air. Every giggle she hears grazes an edge off her icy heart and every smile she sees exchanged makes her rock with pain.
She manages to escape the forced, exaggerated merriment of the carnival, sidetracking onto a country path near the site. Slowing down her pace, she comes to a halt by a fence. She hoists herself up into a perch on the splintered wood, and draws a long, slow breath. In, out. In, out. Calm, down. Calm, down. The searingly cold air burns her lungs.
She turns slightly and adjusts her periwinkle-coloured scarf around her neck. She sees a bedraggled donkey standing alone in the chewed up, frozen field. Its eyes looks like dark, broken glass and it sways sadly.
To her horror, her eyes fill with tears.
Shattered memories come back to haunt her; sightless eyes piercing into her life.
She presses her gloved hands down on the fence, making the old wood creak. She winches herself down to the snow-encrusted tarmac and shivers. Then she keeps walking, squinting through the frosty sunshine.
Her feet dance faster and faster along the winding path. Follow the yellow brick road.
Maybe, like Dorothy, she’ll find home sweet home.
She stops abruptly, her throat catching. A sudden pain wracks her body but she overcomes it with a great effort and continues on her way. Her eyes are downcast and her tousled head tucked into her soft white coat. Flashes of hoary scenery splash alongside her on either side of the path but she does not pay attention to them.
She reaches the little town but recoils from the high street, at its most garishly festive. It is too cluttered up with Yuletide celebrations and afternoon revelry. Instead, she makes a detour onto another lane, shielding her eyes from the glare of tinsel and Christmas lights. The minute she turns the corner, the only reason she is sure she isn’t dreaming is that she’s standing in broad daylight.
Sarah sees the fairy.
She is a woman, dressed in an elaborate green and silver costume. She stands next to a small platform in the front of the old, closed-down bookstore and is dancing badly. However, she is singing surprisingly tunefully to distorted music blasting out of an old cassette player.
What is she doing?
The fairy had already drawn quite a crowd of amused and bemused shoppers, and as the song finishes, scattered applause breaks out, albeit in appreciation of the comedy, and not the talent in the act. Sarah watches her as she leaps on top of the platform and drops a self-deprecating curtsy.
The fairy sees Sarah looking at her and gives her the smallest of smiles, hopping down. She starts to approach Sarah, who shrinks back into the shadows, reticent.
“Hello,” says the fairy.
“Hello,” says Sarah.
The fairy extends a hand with lime-painted nails. “Marian.”
Sarah smiles, but does not return the gesture. The fairy does not seem to notice; or if she has, she is indifferent.
“What are you doing then, out by yourself on Christmas Eve?” she asks.
Sarah pauses; and then the answer just spills out of her mouth wildly.
“I’m looking for Oz.”
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Thankyou for reading, Demeter dahling and Rosey. You both rock for following this up. I'm revising it with your suggestions as vital guidelines.
I'm ba-ack!
So, pretty good. Getting back on track after chapter 3. I found the beginning a bit-- slow, actually. Why put the donkey in, and what's the reference? And why is she horrified that her eyes fill with tears?
I liked the fairy at the end though. The title is, again, not as rich as the first two, but better then chapter 3.
Yeay, Oz references. =)
I can't help it, but I'm always having a little melancholic feeling while reading this. I don't know whether this would touch me as much if there weren't this little voice in the back of my head screaming "This is based on true events! That girl is real!". Probably it would, but I'll never know it.
Okay. Maybe if you read this aloud, you'll notice what I'm going to say. This is such a word jumble, it's almost funny. Hmm, I don't know how you could say this without being all tongue-twistery, but I'm sure a bright girl like yourself will figure it out.
I love this. This made me realize that we're all so hard trying to impress each other with witty and unique word combinations, we easily forget the power of being simple and plain. Maybe I'm just being oversensitive at the moment, but I was almost close to tears while reading this. This sounds so crazy, but I had to tell you that.
You keep writing, I keep reading.
Demeter xxx
Thankyou so much, Alainna.
I understand about the whole 'she' thing; it's because I've only just started calling her Sarah and now I'm juggling between both names. It is repeated far too much, and I'll work on that.
I'm very behind on these and so I'm making an attempt to catch up!
Perhaps punctuate this more by putting a dash in before badly, so it sounds a bit more colloquial. This just seems to suit your writing style well, although it is personal preference.
Maybe put a 'the' in before 'distorted'.
I couldn't pick much out grammatically for this piece. Again, it was quite short and not a lot really happened. I still think you could make these slightly longer and perhaps link them together.
My main concern was that a lot of the time you started your sentences with 'she'. It got a bit dull after a while and it just slowed the whole chapter down. Your actual writing is very good but the repetition of 'she' wasn't. I understand that you were trying to describe Sarah's actions in this chapter, but you need to change the structure of some of the sentences, so they don't all start in the same way.
Other than that, a good part. Try to keep the reader as involved as possible - the introduction of a new character was good.
I'm off to read more,
Alainna
xxx
Thanks so much, Merry. As usual your critiques are lovely and they help and encourage a lot. I'm so touched you're reading this all the way through. Thankyou again, you've been wonderful every step of the way.
Darn school!
Thanks very much, Sapphire. You've helped immensely with grammar and characterisation and description and vocabulary, and thanks to you, the story is improving rather than just staying the same as it always was. Thankyou again.
Part 4 will be out when I can tear myself away from homework.
Thanks so much for reading.
--Sarah
Sarah-
As always, reading your Broken story is just touching. I wish there was more.
This part reminds me of that old tale of the candle stick girl on Christmas eve. Know what I'm talking about? This just resembles it in a way.
Why? Why are you so good at describing things? I guess it's one of those amazing talents you have as a writer.
Well, besides that everyone else pointed out the grammar mistakes I won't.
Otherwise, another great part to this story.
-Merry
I love the reference to The Wizard of Oz.
Not many criticisms at all this time, just nitpicking. Again, I love your style of writing. It's very descriptive - sometimes you just have to watch that you don't overload the sentences with too many different adjectives and so on. I loved the references. I'm interested to see if the fairy will appear again, and what her role might be.
Keep writing!
Hey Sarah,
I like the way you write!
, much?* Haha!
YAY the next part of Broken !!!!
*Is thrilled*
Again, I really enjoyed reading it.
*Excessive use of
So, the review's in the attachment. Hope it helps
XxxDo
Thankyou so much, kinzygirl. I really appreciate your reading it. Thanks very much for the comments, they helped a lot.
--Sarah
Wow.
That was very intense and can I say it had me from the beginning I mean the beginning of the whole story.
I really don't have much to critique other then what is the girls problem exactly?
Are you getting to that....but i thought that it was kind of long for not knowing why the girl is so out there.
And also can I say that if I guessed right at what is happening to the girl...that I can relate and I'm sorry that this has happened to you.