Author's Note: This is quite a short chapter, but I liked it's shortness, and it would have been overdone had I lengthened it. I didn't want to cram too many events into this, so its length kind of suits me, but tell me if you disagree.
5 - Ice
Sarah edges around the grubby oil-cloth covered table, trying to look like she belongs. It’s a dark, smoky room with a low-ceiling that looks as if it’s ready to fall down and collapse on everybody. Old, frayed curtains hang limply on the windows, but they do not seem to have any purpose, as the glass is boarded up.
There are shadowy figures huddled in different corners of the room. They’re talking, laughter bubbling out of their mouths. She realizes that she can barely distinguish the people; everything is a hazy blur.
Suddenly, Sarah feels faint.
She clothes her eyes and breathes in deeply; the air is thick, sweet, and nauseating. Incense sticks are propped up in Chinese vases around the corners, and a musty, exotic smell is wafting out of them.
She looks around wildly for Marian, wishing she hadn’t followed her through the alleys and into the crumbling building.
“Are you okay, darling?” A thick, warm voice ripples towards her.
Sarah spins around, breathless with shock. She finds herself facing Marian, in the same fairy costume.
She is twirling a long, slim, black cigarette between her fingers and its silver cloud of smoke eddies through the air around her.
“I’m fine,” murmurs Sarah, suturing a smile across her chapped lips. She shivers and clamps her thin arms across her body.
“Are you sure?” The fairy is glancing at her anxiously, inquisitive. “Sorry I had to go off like that. You were okay here by yourself for a few minutes, weren’t you?”
“Um…” Sarah breaks off. She grabs onto Marian’s arm for support, scrunching up her eyes in pain. As she staggers around the spinning room, she cannot see the grime-coated floor, the dusty walls, the low, ominous ceiling. Everything swirls, as fast as a lightening flash, in a thick black glaze.
“Whoah. Whoah there.” She hears Marian’s voice, and feels firm hands gripping her convulsing shoulders. She is half-dragged, half-carried outside, where she collapses in the darkness, her back against a hard brick wall.
The bitter, icy air slams into her and shocks her into consciousness. Sharp, splintery snowflakes chip at her skin but she can barely feel them. The overwhelming coldness numbs her through the soft thin woollen coat, but her heart does not need to be frozen. It is a hard lake of ice which not even the warmest of summers can thaw.
She moans and attempts to stand, but her weak legs buckle underneath her. She sinks back down on the ground, sighing wearily.
“That’s okay. That’s okay,” says Marian. “We’ll go somewhere else. You’re just not used to the air, that’s all. Takes a lot of getting used to.”
Sarah nods her head weakly, drawing up her knees and hugging them against her chest. Melted snow salts her hair, gathering the dark strands in clumps. Rays of wintry sun bounce off the wall and lace between her fingers, outspread on the wet concrete.
She tries to recollect how much time she has spent away from her mother and sister. Remnants of the day’s events slip away through her fingers, glassy and blurred.
“What...what’s the time?” Sarah asks Marian in a croaky voice.
The fairy seems relieved that she is talking. “About one o’clock. You must be shattered, love.”
“I’m okay,” says Sarah, and she stares quietly ahead.
Planted in a row of lampposts is a lifeless white sapling, weighed down by broken Christmas lights. She feels a sudden urge to leap up and wrench the stupid garish bulbs off the fragile trunk, to see the branches happily spring back up.
She rolls her eyes at herself. That was something she would have done once, a while ago, in another life, perhaps. It was pointless now. Nothing she could do would stop the tree from dying.
“No,” says the fairy, her voice dragging Sarah back into reality. “You really must be exhausted. Come on, let’s go home.”
“Home?” asks Sarah, frowning.
“Yes,” says the fairy.
“But...what about my mother? And my sister? They’re going to be worried and – “
The fairy stares at her for a long time, her eyes flickering in the mirrored lights. “Okay,” she says gently. “Do you want to come back with me? Or do you want to go – home?”
Sarah does not have to answer. The fairy knows.
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Canary word: Present
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
I find this pretty strange. It feels there's a few lines of dialogue missing at the end of chapter 4 because it's unclear how she gets the trust this fairy enough to follow her to that... place.
What is that place anyway? It's easy enough to see, but the picture isn't complete. We don't know anything but what she's seeing and smelling.
First person present tense doesn't feel right here. I kept changing it to past tense in my head. But, that could be me.
Thankyou so much for reading, Demeter.
You're all so helpful.
xxx
Hi.
Don't worry about the length – for me, it's good if the chapter is short, especially if I have to read in computer.
Ooh, something's happening!
Uh... you mean "closes", right? =)
Well, there's really nothing much to say, you're talented and it's a joy to read your stories. Keep it up! I'll be back.
And sorry about this lousy review.
Demeter xxx
Hey again!
Get rid of the comma after 'purpose'? Just seems like it doesn't need to be there.
Just a typo - clothes should be closes.
The shortness of this part was made up for by the excellent description of Sarah passing out. I like the new characters but I feel like she still needs some more description - her voice, the colour of her hair, the way she walks. You could also have cut some of the description of the room out - just try not to repeat yourself.
More thoughts from Sarah would have been an extra bonus in here to - although it is fine without as it's not a long piece.
Overall, a very good chapter.
Alainna
xxx
[b] Thank a lot, Merry.
Yeah!!! New chapter. I'm so ready for this.--Oh, the shortness is fine.
I find it very descriptive, about the room, table and windows.
Makes me feel like I'm actually there, taking in the exotic smell.
Oh, a twist of events. I wonder what's going to happen now and with her family.
I didn't point out the grammar mistakes because Sapphire did.
Pm me when 6 goes up.
-Merry
Thankyou so much, Sapphire.
Don't worry about the length of the chapter if it's finished - I've read books with shorter chapters and, as long as every single one isn't only a page and a bit, it doesn't bother me!
I think you could change 'swirls' in the last sentence to better convey the speed the room is spinning at. Just now, 'swirls' and 'fast as lightning' don't really mix.
I'm not sure about a couple of the ideas in that paragraph. The snowflakes image suggests her fragility, but isn't entirely believeable because snowflakes are just water. I don't mind the lake image as much because it has the connotations of hidden depths, but I think something like a block of ice (but less clichéd) would work better because it is like a separate object, if you undertand what I mean.
She's running away?
As you can see, I hardly had anything to pick out. I really admire your dedication to your novels - keep it up!