Demeter, Angel, Squall, Kirsten, and Rosey - thankyou so, so much for reviewing. This thanks is a bit belated for most of you, but it means so much to me that you read it.
Thankyou again!
-Sarah
Author's Note: I needed to let this out of my system. It’s the first story I’ve written that’s based on my life. Thanks so much for reading
PROLOGUE - Balloon
She stood on cold stone. Her gaze sought something in the distance. Her gaunt, honey-coloured fingers clasped the leash. It was a normal balloon, held by a girl who could no longer relate to it. Spherical and smooth, a vibrant ruby shade. Imprisoning the helium with a strange, volatile power. It hovered in the choked air above, taunting her. It danced a forgotten waltz, floating half-heartedly.
What was I thinking?
She let out a breath; a slow one. It quavered. Her hand trembled.
She remembered what she had come here to forget. She shivered. The thin fabric of her dress wrinkled.
A breeze carried the distant laughter of children towards her, almost too quiet to hear. Her soft, brown hair danced in the wind; twisting and tangling as if were moving by no force other than its own
Then she heard a voice rippling towards her over the solitude.
“Are you alright?”
Her throat closed up as her breathing cut short and her heart shattered. She stretched her lips, smearing an artificial smile over her face. She started shaking. Her hands and her lower lip trembled. Her own body was betraying her.
She wanted, ached to tell him. Please. It’s not like that. I’m...normal. Her own mouth deluded her. Had she spoken out loud?
His smile faded. He looked at her anxiously and backed away.
The stars chased him away.
She crushed a half-born sob, rocking backwards and forwards on the icy stone ledge. I am normal. I am normal. I am normal.
What is normal?
She let go of the balloon.
Demeter, Angel, Squall, Kirsten, and Rosey - thankyou so, so much for reviewing. This thanks is a bit belated for most of you, but it means so much to me that you read it.
Thankyou again!
-Sarah
Wow. I get just about everything in this. Somebody wanting to be accepted, and trying to pretend they're somebody else. Hoping somebody will look past what they appear, and see who they are, then accept it. I just hope this has a happy ending......
One tinny little nit pick:
Her throat closed up as her breathing cut short and her heart shattered.
Author's Note: I needed to let this out of my system. It’s the first story I’ve written that’s based on my life. Thanks so much for reading
Hello
Hey Sarah, I promised you I'd review some more chapters so I figured I'd start at the start and work my way through it. x
PROLOGUE - Balloon
She stood on cold stone. Her gaze sought something in the distance. Her gaunt, honey-coloured fingers clasped the leash. It was a normal balloon, held by a girl who could no longer relate to it.I love that image Spherical and smooth, a vibrant ruby shade. Imprisoning the helium with a strange, volatile power.Impeccable description It hovered in the choked air above, taunting her. It danced a forgotten waltz, floating half-heartedly. On a completely random note, have you ever taken dance classes? Because your description of dancing is so elegant and beautiful x
What was I thinking?
Should it not be what was she thinking?
She let out a breath; a slow one. It quavered. Her hand trembled.
She remembered what she had come here to forget. She shivered. The thin fabric of her dress wrinkled.
A breeze carried the distant laughter of children towards her, almost too quiet to hear. Beautiful Her soft, brown hair danced in the wind; twisting and tangling as if were moving by no force other than its own Again, that's an amazing thought.
Then she heard a voice rippling towards her over the solitude.
“Are you alright?”
Her throat closed up as her breathing cut short and her heart shattered. I love that description Sarah, as usual it's amazing 
She stretched her lips, smearing an artificial smile over her face. I know the feeling She started shaking. Her hands and her lower lip trembled. Her own body was betraying her.
She wanted, ached to tell him. Please. It’s not like that. I’m...normal. Her own mouth deluded her. Had she spoken out loud?
His smile faded. He looked at her anxiously and backed away.
The stars chased him away. Beautiful imagery. Simply beautiful.
She crushed a half-born sob, rocking backwards and forwards on the icy stone ledge. I am normal. I am normal. I am normal. I love this, again it is amazing.
What is normal?
She let go of the balloon.Very effective way to end the prologue x
Plot
Great start Sarah, simply amazing as usual. I just hope so very much that you don't think I say these things just to make you happy. I love the fact that they do but I say them because they're true sSarah. The plot, I find to be extremely interesting. It's such a huge topic and you make it seem easy. This shows your breathtaking skills to a whole new extent. 
The plot, if another writer wrote it might seem a tad cliched, but the quality of your writing is so good that it is not so. Far from it.
Characterisation
Your narrative voice Sarah. It makes me want to cry it's so good. I am simply lost within your world. Hahah you don't need an inner muse, you're too incredible for that. Your characters, are completely mind blowing, they're so well rounded and yet they are you and people you know. I know how hard it is to put yourself into a story, never mind it being well rounded. I love your characters. You're such an amazing person XD
Overall
[i]I loved it Sarah. Truly completely loved it, you're amazing. I love you 
x *mentally slaps self for sounding strange* Seriously, I don't say any of this stuff simply to please you, but I'm so so so so so *endless so's* glad it does. I'm so happy I make you feel good about yourself *god I seriously do sound like some freak don't I? * but I say it because it's true Sarah. You are amazing. You just need to believe it. You're way too nice. Anyway, I'm off to review more chapters 
I'll see you soon *gosh gosh gosh gosh seriously sseriously I sound like some stalker or something*
x
Hey Castles, thought I should owe you a critique. Firstly, I'll just add in some of my line by line's.
Her throat closed up as her breathing cut short and her heart shattered
Then she heard a voice rippling towards her over the solitude.
She stretched her lips, smearing an artificial smile over her face.
She crushed a half-born sob, rocking backwards and forwards on the icy stone ledge. I am normal. I am normal. I am normal.
Hello CastleInTheSky,
Don't believe we've met before, but I'm Angel of Death, I prefer Angel though. *waves*
This was a very beautiful prologue and I'm not sure I've read anything like this before, but you say this is based on a true story, so maybe I wouldn't/ But your vocabulary is eloquent and I enjoyed reading this. The title is what really caught my eye. Broken. It means so many things but I never thought that it would start off like this. You made me feel for this girl and now I am intrigued, so expect many more reviews from me.
Thanks for the read,
~Angel
Hey, Sarah!
Her gaze sought something in the distance. Her gaunt, honey-coloured fingers clasped the leash.
It hovered in the choked air above, taunting her. It danced a forgotten waltz, floating half-heartedly.
She let out a breath; a slow one.
She remembered what she had come here to forget.
Hey Adna!
It would be absolutely lovely of you to read more; and thankyou so much for the review.
xxx
I actually feel kind of guilty about this. Why? Because I really can’t come up with anything to suggest, as far as changes. This is great.
Well... alright, I do have one thing. It’s something Alainna mentioned, and I pretty much agree with all she said about it. The line: “The stars chased him away.” Like Alainna, I do like it, but I really don’t get it. Honestly, I would just cut it. I really like it by itself, but I can’t see how it makes sense in the story, and I have to say better safe than sorry.
Other than that, I know everybody else had really good suggestions for you. I wish I could have been more helpful, but I really couldn’t find anything wrong with this. Awesome job
And I’d love to read more if it, if you wanted me too.
-Adna
Thanks so much, Alyce. I really appreciate your review.
Oh, by the way, it wasn't exactly a blurb More of a short prologue.
Thankyou again.
Sarah
xxx
I think your imagery is really effective. In fact I love it that the stars chased the man away. it leaves a feeling of utmost loneliness and beauty, things that are not often associated with each other.
Also, your word choice in here is impeccable. I was surprised to see your age after reading this little blurb.
The only problem I had was "stars chased him away" right after he "backed away", so there's just the redundant use of the word "away," there.
As for this being an intro of the story, I didn't have any problem being 'hooked in', because there was a lot of emotion flowing through here in a short amount of time. I suppose you could elaborate the scenery here. Since the only detail of background here was that she was standing on stone, I imagined it in a gloomy evening, nearly dark, on a bridge over a quiet river, and she was staring out to the water while she was thinking to herself.
So all in all, I give this little blurb a 7outta 10
Not bad considering I half the kids in my college english class wouldn't be able to write this.
Sorry to be late with this review, but here it goes:
She stood on cold stone. Her gaze sought something in the distance. Her gaunt, honey-coloured fingers clasped the leash.
a vibrant ruby shade
Imprisoning the helium with a strange, volatile power.
Her soft, brown hair danced in the wind; twisting and tangling as if were moving by no force other than its own
She wanted, ached to tell him.
The stars chased him away.
Thankyou so much, jasmine and asheleey.
I really appreciate your reviews
xxx
You mentioned this story before so I thought I'd swing by and take a look.
:arrow: Fav quote because it's sooo well descripted....AWESOME!!
She stood on cold stone. Her gaze sought something in the distance. Her gaunt, honey-coloured fingers clasped the leash. It was a normal balloon, held by a girl who could no longer relate to it. Spherical and smooth, a vibrant ruby shade. Imprisoning the helium with a strange, volatile power. It hovered in the choked air above, taunting her. It danced a forgotten waltz, floating half-heartedly.
Wow, your descriptions are unreal. You have such a imagery force going on here. I can picture everything you write, everything you say. It is like I am actually there, watching this girl unravel before my very eyes. My favorite line would have to be:
Spherical and smooth, a vibrant ruby shade. Imprisoning the helium with a strange, volatile power. It hovered in the choked air above, taunting her. It danced a forgotten waltz, floating half-heartedly.
) But I loved every word, every syllable. So life-like. Loved it! She let out a breath; a slow one. It quavered. Her hand trembled.
She remembered what she had come here to forget. She shivered. The thin fabric of her dress wrinkled.
Sapphire, xxDoxx, and JCObsessed, thankyou so, so much for all your helpful comments. It has really helped this story along. Thankyou again. i am indebted to you
Your reviews are precious to this community
Sarah
xxx
From a purely plot and content point of view, this isn't the best way to start a story. I know, it's like a writer's cliche to start off with an ambiguous beginning to sort-of hook the reader in, but at a certain point it becomes too hard to tell what's going on and we lose interest, making a good story hard to read.
My suggestion: To write a story for the heart, make it from the heart. Don't worry or try to impress; just write. Let it flow out, don't backspace or correct, don't take out sentences or anything. Save all of that for the editing process and just write. Chances are, all of those feelings and emotions will translate better when they aren't being edited before they even hit the keys.
Now for the fun part
__________________________________________
She stood on cold stone. Her gaze sought something in the distance .Her gaunt, honey-coloured fingers clasped the leash. It was a normal balloon, held by a girl who could no longer relate to it. Spherical and smooth, a vibrant ruby shade. Imprisoning the helium with a strange, volatile power. It hovered in the choked air above, taunting her. It danced a forgotten waltz, floating half-heartedly.
What was I thinking?
She remembered what she had come here to forget. She shivered. The thin fabric of her dress wrinkled. Her soft, brown hair danced in the breeze, the same breeze that carried the children’s laughter across the park.
Their laughter barely reached her.
Her throat closed up and her breathing cut short and her heart shattered.
Ersatz.
The stars chased him away.
She crushed a half-born sob...
She let go of the balloon.
Watch your repetition.
Try to make it flow a little better.
Be consistent
Write from the heart
Nice prologue, Sarah!! Great job. I'll be reading more, for sure. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, and hope life will deal you some happier cards soon.
The review is in the attachment, let me know if there's any problem with it.
PM me for anything at all.
XxxDo
Thankyou so much for your help
Ersatz isn't a person, hehe It's an adjective meaning pretence or something. I suppose it could be confused as a person's name, so I'll take it out. Or i might well introduce the character, it could be fun
Thanks a lot again.
And thankyou Sapphire for your endless patience with my work. You have been amazingly helpful.
Happy Writings
Sarah
xxx
Hey there, Sarah.
To begin, I'd like to say that I found this gripping as a start to a story. I'm now thinking of several interesting questions - 'why isn't she normal?', 'who is she?', 'what's her relation to Ersatz?' and many more.
Here are a few things (most of them nit-picks) which I picked up on:
Her gaze sought something, everything, anything, nothing in the distance
It hovered in the choked air above, taunting her. It danced a forgotten waltz, floating half-heartedly.
Her soft, brown hair danced in the breeze, the same breeze that carried the children’s laughter across the park
Then she heard a voice, the voice, any voice, rippling towards her over the solitude.
Her throat closed up and her breathing cut short and her heart shattered.
She stretched her lips, smearing an artificial smile over her face.
The stars chased him away.
She stood on cold stone. Her gaze sought something, everything, anything, nothing in the distance. (space – typo) Her gaunt, honey-coloured fingers clasped the leash. It was a normal balloon, held by a girl who could no longer relate to it.
Spherical and smooth, a shade of vibrant ruby [s]shade[/s]. Imprisoning the helium with a strange, volatile power. (Like that.) It hovered in the choked air above, (What do you mean when you say the air is ‘choked’?) taunting her. It danced a forgotten waltz, floating half-heartedly. Like that line.
What was I thinking?
She let out a breath; a slow one. It quavered. (I think that’s better.) Her hand trembled. The balloon lowered, sinking feebly into her lap.
She remembered what she had come here to forget. She shivered. [s]The thin fabric of her dress wrinkled.[/s] (Don’t think that’s a particularly significant detail.) Her soft, brown hair danced in the breeze, the same breeze that carried the children’s laughter across the park.
Their laughter barely reached her.
Then she heard a voice, the voice, any voice, rippling towards her over the solitude.
“Are you alright?”
Her throat closed up and her breathing cut short and her heart shattered. She stretched her lips, smearing an artificial smile over her face. Ersatz. She started shaking. Her hands and her lower lip trembled. Her own body was betraying her.
She wanted, ached to tell him. Please. It’s not like that. I’m... normal. Her own mouth [s]deluded[/s] (I don't have an alternative since you already used 'betrayed', but 'deluded' isn't really the right word for here, I don't think.) her. Had she spoken out loud?
His smile faded. He looked at her anxiously and backed away.
The stars chased him away. I wasn’t sure about this line at first but I like it now. ‘The stars’ as in fate/destiny?
She crushed a half-born sob, rocking backwards and forwards on the icy stone ledge. I am normal. I am normal. I am normal. I like how her actions, which allude to traditional characters who weren’t exactly normal, contrast with what she’s saying.
What is normal?
She let go of the balloon.
120,550 Literary Works • 650,502 Reviews
Points: 890
Reviews: 202
Donate