Author's Note: I needed to let this out of my system. It’s the first story I’ve written that’s based on my life. Thanks so much for reading
PROLOGUE - Balloon
She stood on cold stone. Her gaze sought something in the distance. Her gaunt, honey-coloured fingers clasped the leash. It was a normal balloon, held by a girl who could no longer relate to it. Spherical and smooth, a vibrant ruby shade. Imprisoning the helium with a strange, volatile power. It hovered in the choked air above, taunting her. It danced a forgotten waltz, floating half-heartedly.
What was I thinking?
She let out a breath; a slow one. It quavered. Her hand trembled.
She remembered what she had come here to forget. She shivered. The thin fabric of her dress wrinkled.
A breeze carried the distant laughter of children towards her, almost too quiet to hear. Her soft, brown hair danced in the wind; twisting and tangling as if were moving by no force other than its own
Then she heard a voice rippling towards her over the solitude.
“Are you alright?”
Her throat closed up as her breathing cut short and her heart shattered. She stretched her lips, smearing an artificial smile over her face. She started shaking. Her hands and her lower lip trembled. Her own body was betraying her.
She wanted, ached to tell him. Please. It’s not like that. I’m...normal. Her own mouth deluded her. Had she spoken out loud?
His smile faded. He looked at her anxiously and backed away.
The stars chased him away.
She crushed a half-born sob, rocking backwards and forwards on the icy stone ledge. I am normal. I am normal. I am normal.
What is normal?
She let go of the balloon.
End of chapter
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,585 Reviews
Demeter, Angel, Squall, Kirsten, and Rosey - thankyou so, so much for reviewing. This thanks is a bit belated for most of you, but it means so much to me that you read it.
Thankyou again!
-Sarah
Wow. I get just about everything in this. Somebody wanting to be accepted, and trying to pretend they're somebody else. Hoping somebody will look past what they appear, and see who they are, then accept it. I just hope this has a happy ending......
One tinny little nit pick:
That one line is really awkward. It could stand to be chopped up.
The balloon is a pretty good object in this scene. It's hard to explain, but I consider it a foil for the girl. It's like the balloon is everything she's not, and in the end she lets it go.
Author's Note: I needed to let this out of my system. It’s the first story I’ve written that’s based on my life. Thanks so much for reading
She stretched her lips, smearing an artificial smile over her face. I know the feeling She started shaking. Her hands and her lower lip trembled. Her own body was betraying her.
The plot, if another writer wrote it might seem a tad cliched, but the quality of your writing is so good that it is not so. Far from it.
x *mentally slaps self for sounding strange* Seriously, I don't say any of this stuff simply to please you, but I'm so so so so so *endless so's* glad it does. I'm so happy I make you feel good about yourself *god I seriously do sound like some freak don't I? 
* but I say it because it's true Sarah. You are amazing. You just need to believe it. You're way too nice. Anyway, I'm off to review more chapters 
I'll see you soon *gosh gosh gosh gosh seriously sseriously I sound like some stalker or something*
Hello
Hey Sarah, I promised you I'd review some more chapters so I figured I'd start at the start and work my way through it. x
PROLOGUE - Balloon
She stood on cold stone. Her gaze sought something in the distance. Her gaunt, honey-coloured fingers clasped the leash. It was a normal balloon, held by a girl who could no longer relate to it.I love that image Spherical and smooth, a vibrant ruby shade. Imprisoning the helium with a strange, volatile power.Impeccable description It hovered in the choked air above, taunting her. It danced a forgotten waltz, floating half-heartedly. On a completely random note, have you ever taken dance classes? Because your description of dancing is so elegant and beautiful x
What was I thinking?
Should it not be what was she thinking?
She let out a breath; a slow one. It quavered. Her hand trembled.
She remembered what she had come here to forget. She shivered. The thin fabric of her dress wrinkled.
A breeze carried the distant laughter of children towards her, almost too quiet to hear. Beautiful Her soft, brown hair danced in the wind; twisting and tangling as if were moving by no force other than its own Again, that's an amazing thought.
Then she heard a voice rippling towards her over the solitude.
“Are you alright?”
Her throat closed up as her breathing cut short and her heart shattered. I love that description Sarah, as usual it's amazing
She wanted, ached to tell him. Please. It’s not like that. I’m...normal. Her own mouth deluded her. Had she spoken out loud?
His smile faded. He looked at her anxiously and backed away.
The stars chased him away. Beautiful imagery. Simply beautiful.
She crushed a half-born sob, rocking backwards and forwards on the icy stone ledge. I am normal. I am normal. I am normal. I love this, again it is amazing.
What is normal?
She let go of the balloon.Very effective way to end the prologue x
Plot
Great start Sarah, simply amazing as usual. I just hope so very much that you don't think I say these things just to make you happy. I love the fact that they do but I say them because they're true sSarah. The plot, I find to be extremely interesting. It's such a huge topic and you make it seem easy. This shows your breathtaking skills to a whole new extent.
Characterisation
Your narrative voice Sarah. It makes me want to cry it's so good. I am simply lost within your world. Hahah you don't need an inner muse, you're too incredible for that. Your characters, are completely mind blowing, they're so well rounded and yet they are you and people you know. I know how hard it is to put yourself into a story, never mind it being well rounded. I love your characters. You're such an amazing person XD
Overall
[i]I loved it Sarah. Truly completely loved it, you're amazing. I love you
x
Hey Castles, thought I should owe you a critique. Firstly, I'll just add in some of my line by line's.
Can you find another way to say that her heart shattered? I think the word "shattered" is used way too commonly as a way to describe heartache and it's getting real old.
Solitude is abstract so you can't say, "over the solitude".
I dislike the word "artificial" here. Firstly, it doesn't really explain as to why she is smiling like that. Secondly, it doesn't really fit with the solitary and reflecting mood that you are trying to create here.
Well why does she have self-doubts about not being normal? You need to make that more evident for the reader. Is she mentally disabled? Does she believe that she thinks differently to others?
Overall impressions:
I kind of have mixed feelings about this piece. I think your problem lies all the way back to the actual plan of the piece. This would have been better off written in first person. As the ideas in the piece are abstract in a sense, you would be better off putting the audience into the character's mind so that they will be able to find the logic behind them.
Some of the ideas in the piece needs clarifying. 1) What exactly is the character in this piece and what is she like? A little school girl holding a balloon would portray totally different ideas and themes to that of a grandma holding a balloon. Who is the target audience and what are message are your trying to express? Your character should act like a guide for the audience so that they'll be able to relate to the narrative. 2)Why was she holding onto the balloon? What does it represent? I can assume that it's some teenage boy based on the verbs and how they are used, but its not concrete and detailed enough to give me a better understanding as to what's happening. Why should I care should she let go of the balloon? 3) Where was the balloon obtained from? Given at a party? A friend brought it for her? The balloon has to have some sentimental value if the character is reflecting it in such an abstract way. You can't just randomly buy a balloon on the street and then reflect on it, there won't be anything much to reflect on (let alone in such an deep and abstract way). This you have to make clear.
Overall, this has potential, but it has quite a bit of holes in terms of the concreteness of ideas that prevent the reader to be able to fully understand as to what's happening.
Good luck Castle.
Andy.
Hello CastleInTheSky,
Don't believe we've met before, but I'm Angel of Death, I prefer Angel though. *waves*
This was a very beautiful prologue and I'm not sure I've read anything like this before, but you say this is based on a true story, so maybe I wouldn't/ But your vocabulary is eloquent and I enjoyed reading this. The title is what really caught my eye. Broken. It means so many things but I never thought that it would start off like this. You made me feel for this girl and now I am intrigued, so expect many more reviews from me.
Thanks for the read,
~Angel
Hey, Sarah!
All's fine, but both sentences start with "her", thus making it sound awkward. Same here:
"Choked" air – I don't really understand that, either.
In this I was wondering, why not "She let out a slow breath"? That's what they usually say, right?
I love this line. It's kind of sad and pretty the same time.
Interesting. I want to read more.
Demeter xxx
..
Hey Adna!
It would be absolutely lovely of you to read more; and thankyou so much for the review.
xxx
I actually feel kind of guilty about this. Why? Because I really can’t come up with anything to suggest, as far as changes. This is great.
Well... alright, I do have one thing. It’s something Alainna mentioned, and I pretty much agree with all she said about it. The line: “The stars chased him away.” Like Alainna, I do like it, but I really don’t get it. Honestly, I would just cut it. I really like it by itself, but I can’t see how it makes sense in the story, and I have to say better safe than sorry.
Other than that, I know everybody else had really good suggestions for you. I wish I could have been more helpful, but I really couldn’t find anything wrong with this. Awesome job
And I’d love to read more if it, if you wanted me too.
-Adna
Thanks so much, Alyce. I really appreciate your review.
More of a short prologue.
Oh, by the way, it wasn't exactly a blurb
Thankyou again.
Sarah
xxx
I think your imagery is really effective. In fact I love it that the stars chased the man away. it leaves a feeling of utmost loneliness and beauty, things that are not often associated with each other.
Also, your word choice in here is impeccable. I was surprised to see your age after reading this little blurb.
The only problem I had was "stars chased him away" right after he "backed away", so there's just the redundant use of the word "away," there.
As for this being an intro of the story, I didn't have any problem being 'hooked in', because there was a lot of emotion flowing through here in a short amount of time. I suppose you could elaborate the scenery here. Since the only detail of background here was that she was standing on stone, I imagined it in a gloomy evening, nearly dark, on a bridge over a quiet river, and she was staring out to the water while she was thinking to herself.
So all in all, I give this little blurb a 7outta 10
Not bad considering I half the kids in my college english class wouldn't be able to write this.
Thankyou so much!
I don't mind , you weren't late at all.
Sorry to be late with this review, but here it goes:
Hmm... Your first three sentences all seem to start with 'she' and 'her', perhaps vary the sentence structure a bit? Even though the meaning of the sentence is more important than the structure, it's still important not to bore your readers when they're reading it out loud in their head.
I don't know, I understand you're trying to say that it's a red balloon, but then 'shade' just doesn't really express the same connotation as 'colour'.
What is imprisoning the helium? Tell us that it's the balloon, or it's a sentence fragment.
Where's the full stop of the sentence?
Because the comma is supposed to function as an interruption, it should be:
She wanted--ached to tell him. (Though the two hyphens should merge as one long dash, which is something the forums couldn't do.)
You might consider expanding a bit on this imagery, I feel it's a bit vague on what you're trying to get at.
~~~
Generally speaking, you have planned some nice imageries. Though, I might suggest you to expand on them a bit, exaggerate a bit more and 'show' a bit more. You also need to give the reader more hints by foreshadowing a little more. I understand it's a prologue and the reader isn't supposed to know everything, but don't confuse them. Give them a goal, a something so they could grasp onto and continue reading on. Thus, being concise and maybe clearer are the most important things I would suggest. Asides from that, good luck!
Thankyou so much, jasmine and asheleey.
I really appreciate your reviews
xxx
You mentioned this story before so I thought I'd swing by and take a look.
:arrow: Fav quote because it's sooo well descripted....AWESOME!!
WOW.....0.0
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay nothing bad to say here. Sorry I couldnt be much help
Wow, your descriptions are unreal. You have such a imagery force going on here. I can picture everything you write, everything you say. It is like I am actually there, watching this girl unravel before my very eyes. My favorite line would have to be:
I know it’s not a line (more like a paragraph
Now, I did notice one thing that sort of stood out to me:
Okay, in this, you use a lot of “ed” words at the end of your sentences and it gets sort of lyrical. I’m not sure if you were aiming for that but it seemed sort of out of place in the rest of your work. I guess it’s up to you if you want to change it.
I am on to chapter one!
Sapphire, xxDoxx, and JCObsessed, thankyou so, so much for all your helpful comments. It has really helped this story along. Thankyou again. i am indebted to you
Your reviews are precious to this community
Sarah
xxx
From a purely plot and content point of view, this isn't the best way to start a story. I know, it's like a writer's cliche to start off with an ambiguous beginning to sort-of hook the reader in, but at a certain point it becomes too hard to tell what's going on and we lose interest, making a good story hard to read.
My suggestion: To write a story for the heart, make it from the heart. Don't worry or try to impress; just write. Let it flow out, don't backspace or correct, don't take out sentences or anything. Save all of that for the editing process and just write. Chances are, all of those feelings and emotions will translate better when they aren't being edited before they even hit the keys.
Now for the fun part
__________________________________________
Notice the way you start your sentences: She...Her...Her...It...Spherical...Imprisoning...It...It. You start the majority of your sentences the same way, this isn't always a problem, but for certain writing styles it can be. You and I have a similar kind-of choppy writing style with short sentences- and trust me, it's a hard style to write in.
If you are going to use shorter sentences, be sure to use more variety within them. Repetitive words and phrases stand out like a puppy at a cat convention, and is about as appreciated as much.
You're also using a lot of the word 'her', which would be fine if we even knew what you were talking about. This is the beginning of your story and at this moment in time "her" is nobody to your reader. This doesn't mean that you should start with something like "Her name was...her hair was (color), and her eyes were a striking...", but it does mean that before you start talking about her she should be somebody.
Try introducing your character with emotion as opposed to description. That would also help tie into the confusing line: "It was a normal balloon, held by a girl who could no longer relate to it." What related her to the balloon, and why does it no longer apply?
Or if that doesn't work for you, try starting by describing the balloon. Maybe even use phrases that can have double-meanings to make the descriptions be physical for the balloon, and emotional for the character.
Sudden change in tense? I saw that it was italics and figured that meant those were "her" thoughts, but it's still a little early in the game to be changing thoughts, especially seeing as that line doesn't really have any connection to the rest of the piece from what I've read.
Repetition of the words she, breeze, and laughter.
It seemed a rather null point to first say the breeze carried the children's laughter across the park, and follow it with it barely reached her. The two come daringly close to canceling each other out. To say the same thing with a clearer effect, try something like...
"A breeze carried the distant laughter of children towards her, almost too quiet to hear. Her soft, brown hair danced in the wind; twisting and tangling as if were moving by no force other than its own."
I'm not normally one to follow literary rules down to every punctuation mark, but one thing I have always found awkward is using the word and several times in a sentence for the same general thing, especially without any punctuation. Instead you could say, "Her throat closed up and breathing cut short as her heart shattered." or, "Her breathing was cut short as her throat closed and heart shattered." Or anything like that.
Adj. meaning imitating or presented as a substitute for something of superior quality, and is usually used in a negative manner. In more common terms, it means fake. It doesn't mean "Pretense or something"
Now, in a strange way it does make some amount of sense, but I still had to read over it a few times and double check my dictionary to find out what you meant by it, and while it is slightly relevant, it just doesn't fit. I think the piece would fare better without it.
Care to explain what that means?
Do you mean held back? I think I see what you mean here, but the imagery is confusing.
Earlier you said, "The balloon lowered, sinking feebly into her lap."
Keeping that in mind, what is the significance of her letting go? If it's already sunk, how does it fly away? Or does it? Does it roll out of her lap or get pushed away by a breeze? The contrasting descriptions of the balloon's behavior is confusing.
_______________________________________________________
All in all, I think you have some powerful imagery and beautiful phrases to back it up, you just need to work a little on your consistency and execution.
I can't wait until it gets more into the story, but so far you have a good setup.
Just keep in mind:
and most of all
You'll do great, keep up the amazing work. If you need any extra help with anything, feel free to PM me.
-JC
Nice prologue, Sarah!! Great job. I'll be reading more, for sure. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, and hope life will deal you some happier cards soon.
The review is in the attachment, let me know if there's any problem with it.
PM me for anything at all.
XxxDo
Thankyou so much for your help
It's an adjective meaning pretence or something. I suppose it could be confused as a person's name, so I'll take it out. Or i might well introduce the character, it could be fun 
Ersatz isn't a person, hehe
Thanks a lot again.
And thankyou Sapphire for your endless patience with my work. You have been amazingly helpful.
Happy Writings
Sarah
xxx
Hey there, Sarah.
To begin, I'd like to say that I found this gripping as a start to a story. I'm now thinking of several interesting questions - 'why isn't she normal?', 'who is she?', 'what's her relation to Ersatz?' and many more.
Here are a few things (most of them nit-picks) which I picked up on:
I don't really like this line. I can see that this technique is something which you repeat later and is perhaps just part of your writing style, yet it seems to completely contradict itself - and not in a good way. Perhaps consider re-wording or even just getting rid of the 'nothing'.
I think this would work better if you condense this into one sentence, or simply remove the first sentence. There is no point in describing the action of the balloon twice in one go. I quite like the second line, as well.
I'm not too sure but I reckon you could change the second comma in this sentence into a semi-colon. You may want to get a second opinion on that, though.
Again, it's this repetition technique that I don't like. If you get rid of the 'any' it can still work. Otherwise, I would just get rid of both the repetitions of 'voice'.
I would scrap the first 'and' and replace it with a comma.
Very good line.
I'm really torn with this line. I like it - but I kinda don't get it. If it was meant to be a metaphor, then it hasn't come across very well and if it was meant to be literal then it doesn't make sense. Still......I do like it.
In general, I think you over-powered the reader with description in some places. Try to scatter the description and action about, so it's not all in one clump. Having said that, there is room for more. The reader wants to know where this is, what she can smell, who Ersatz is and what's going on. You don't necessarily have to answer all those questions in chapter one, but you should aim to answer the main ones about the setting.
I liked your tone and I liked the idea of a girl with a balloon, perhaps feeling lonely and abnormal. Your writing is strong and to improve all you need to do is work on your settings and not confusing the reader with odd repetition.
Overall a good read and I'm intrigued to read some more.
All the best,
Alainna
xxx
This confused me a little, but it might be an obvious comparison that I just don’t understand right now. How could she relate to the balloon in the first place?
I have a silly technical point again, but if the balloon is filled with helium, how does it lower? Does she drop her hand?
I also don’t understand ‘a voice, the voice, any voice’, but it might become clearer as I read on.
Well, as a standalone story this would have me baffled, but as a first chapter it has me intrigued. It’s quite short but I don’t think it has to be any longer.
I’m sorry, I’m being so unhelpful! I really don’t have much to comment on with regard to this chapter, but I’m going to have a read of the next couple.
Heavily Edited!
To read second part, click here: topic35049.html