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Hatshepsut: the Forgotten Pharaoh

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Prologue

Over 3,000 years ago, in the Eighteenth dynasty of Ancient Egypt, there lived a great pharaoh, King Thutmose I and his queen, Ahmose. Together they bore 4 children: Prince Amenmose, Prince Wadjmose, Princess Neferukheb, and Princess Hatshepsut. Years passed and one by one the royal children died, all except for one. . . Princess Hatshepsut. As Hatshepsut grew up she learned many things from her father. At the age of 12, her father,King Thutmose I died, and Hatshepsut, being the only child of her father with full royal blood, was married off to her half-brother Thutmose II (whose mother was a lesser wife).

During the reign of Thutmose II, Hatshepsut assumed the traditional role of queen and principal wife. For 20 long years Hatshepsut kept her thoughts to herself, until Thutmose II died, making her a widow before the age of 30. While married, the couple had only one child, a daughter, Neferure. The only male heir was an infant , born to one the lesser wives named Isis.

Because Thutmose III was too young to assume the throne unaided , Hatshepsut served as his regent. At long last she was able to claim the throne which was rightfully hers, and once again restore Egypt to its former glory! This is her story. . .

Chapter 1: Goodbye Thutmose II

Egypt mourns the death of my late husband, Thutmose II. It is time of sadness and grief. It all seems so odd to me how even after spending 20 years with a man I did not love, I still mourn his death. Perhaps, I do not grieve for my husband, but for my daughter and only child. This has all been so hard for her, the loss of a father, I too understand this feeling. Though all of this is quite disheartening, I almost feel as if I can see the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

~ Hatshepsut

"Mommy!!!!!!!," came a shrill cry from down the hall.

"I'm coming Neferure," I said as I quickly tucked away my papyrus and quill. A few moments later I entered the her room. "Neferure? Where are you sweetie?" From a corner I heard a sniffle, I looked over and there in the shadows she sat, curled up into a tight ball. She looked up, the tears streaming down her beautiful face shone like the Nile in the moonlight.

"Mommy?," she repeated," I want Daddy to come back home." Once again she began to cry, I reached down and scooped her up into my arms. She was so small, so fragile, I almost felt that if I held to tightly she might break into a million pieces, but I didn't care. I held her closer and swayed as I began to hum a lullaby.

A few minutes passed, and I began to hear soft even breaths, Neferure was finally asleep. Slowly, I began to make my way towards her bed, and then as gently as possible I tucked her in. She looked so peaceful, and content. What she had said earlier flashbacked in my mind," I want Daddy to come back home."

I winced. It pained me to see her like this, it cut into my heart like a knife. I cried, for the first time since my father had passed, I cried. " I love you," I whispered into her ear, then I walked out her room.

After leaving Neferure's room, I began making my way towards the throne room. The walls surrounding me were painted with the soft, dim glow of the moonlight, and as I walked , my shadow danced across the floor. When I entered the throne room, I stepped onto the balcony, which overlooked the river.

The moonlight reflecting off of the Nile, looked almost unreal, I could easily make out every detail in the water. How inviting it looked, I thought to myself, and in this moment of serenity I was suddenly compelled to go to it.

Almost without thinking, I began my descent down the palace steps. I could feel the Nile calling me, beckoning me to swim within its waters. Then I felt it touch the tip of my toes I closed my eyes and ventured further into the river. The water, although warm, felt cool to the touch, it was refreshing. It was now up to my knees, and it lapped against my legs as I continued forward.

Suddenly, the mud and pebbles beneath me gave way, and I was plunged into the murky depths below. I screamed, "HELP!!! HELP!!," I cried. But my pleas were muffled by water as the current grew stronger. I flailed about helplessly, desperate for something to keep me afloat. every muscle in my body ached, and my lungs stung with pain beyond belief. I could no longer hold my breath, the water poured inside of me, swallowing me as I swallowed it. I was losing consciousness quickly, the water had engulfed me completely.

I stopped moving, "I must stay awake," I thought. This is all happened in very short amount of time, but to me. . . it seemed liked a lifetime. It was quiet, warm, almost comforting. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a dim light. It was faint at first, but it grew brighter the closer it came. I was frightened out of my mind but I could not move, I was petrified with fear.

"Do not be afraid," the strange light said in a familiar voice.

I pondered momentarily. . . "Father?," I thought in disbelief.

"Yes my child, it is I, King Thutmose I, your father and protector, sent here from the underworld to help guide you through the journey of your life."

"Bu~"

"It is not yet your time, there are great things destined for you."

Then, I saw above me a shadowy figure, but I no longer had the strength to stay awake. I fell unconscious.

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
Rapunzel321
Review

When I saw the title I thought that this would just be some historical account of Hatsheput but I was wrong. For once I'm glad that I wasn't right. I really enjoyed the fact that you used papyrus which was a main resource in Egypt; they used it as paper. Yes, I know my global history. I also liked that you used the Nile River. If people read this story it will give them insight on some of the key characteristics of Egypt like the papyrus and the Nile but also how women were seen as inferior to men. I think this story will help me to remember these key concepts next time I have a test on Egypt. Thank you for the insight. :)

I like your idea an as for Hatshepsut I don't think she's lost pre-say more like the gears working behind the scenes. As for your story, Nicely done I can't wit until you finish the chapter. I liked how you showed the kind and nurturing side of Hatshepsut. My only questions are is this right before the death of their father? are you going to do the story of her as temporally pharaoh? Your imagery was nice you didn't over do it, but again maybe try to describe the mourning process that's done perhaps? over then that nice job and keep it up

User avatar
Leahweird
Review

I have a problem with the title. I wouldn't say Hatshepsut is particularly forgotten. Any one who knows much about Pharaohs knows who she is, even people that don't delve much passed Tut and Nefertiti. I'm pretty sure she wasn't forgotten by the Egyptians either.

Also, your lovely picture there is gorgeous and all, but Hatshepsut is pretty infamous for dressing in men's clothes when she took the throne, complete with fake beard.

If you're just having fun with a character that happens to be historical, that's fine. But Egyptian history tends to get presented completely wrong more often than not, and as a classicist it bothers me XD

User avatar
Mersize
Review
Mersize wrote a review · Thu May 29, 2014 9:37 pm

Here is Mersize to review.
Sounds interesting! I mean I really like stories that have to do with kingdoms, kings, and queens. Who gets it, who fights for getting it, who would do anything to get it and more. I think during the story it will be getting even more interesting and good. I hope you keep on the writing I will lobe king forward to reading it, I will be aware of your posts. That story seems like it will be really long; it looks like it will have a lot of external conflicts as well as internal. This is really good stuff! I do not know if you have read “The tragedy of Macbeth” it is about a warrior who is loyal to a king but then he is appointed to be thane of some groups of warriors, but at the end he killed the king and claimed the throne. I just mention that because I loved that one! Your story does not seem to be like Macbeth but I am just saying that I like kingdom novels. You are starting to write your story, so am I. I am writing my story as well. :D

Keep writing!!!

Regards!

That is so Awesome!!! I'll have to checkout your story!! BTW just finished some of chapter 1!!!

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Thu May 29, 2014 9:31 pm

Hi there!

I'm not the one you'd come from if you wanted a review packed with nitpicks. But I do have a grammar nitpick for you before I get started.

Over 3,000 years ago, in the Eighteenth dynasty of Ancient Egypt, there lived a great pharaoh, King Thutmose I and his queen, Ahmose.

I underlined the part I'll be talking about. You have the right idea with the commas, putting them before character names. But in situations like this, you don't need them. It's like writing "my mom Kelly". You don't need a comma because Kelly's title is before her name. The same thing applies here. Since King Thutmose and Ahmose have titles before their names, there doesn't need to be a comma.

I feel like this is a huge info dump. HOWEVER, I think it'll work out well in the long run. This prologue is all about giving us the information that we'll need to know for the rest of the novel. So in that sense, this prologue is great. I would've loved to hear Hatshepsut tell all of this in her perspective, but that's just a personal preference.

You have a lot of characters that you've introduced in these three short paragraphs. In all honesty, it's a bit overwhelming. It's like you're throwing these names at us. I want to know more! Especially about King Thutmose I. I don't know why, but I'd really love to know more about him. Just something about him interests me. If you had added just a little bit more character development, it would give this prologue another dimension if you will. We'd get a good look at your characters before the story starts.

Is that picture supposed to be Hatshepsut? She looks super dangerous.

Sorry if I completely rambled on in this review and didn't make much sense. I was having trouble explaining what was in my mind and this was the only way for me to get my point across. Still rambling...

Let me know when the first chapter is out! I'm looking forward to seeing this story get started!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Thank you for the tips!!! BTW just finished some of chapter 1!

Knight Dragon, here to review! (As best I can.)

Technical:

...and Hatshepsut, being the only child of her father's with full royal blood...

That "father's" is really bugging me. I'm not completely certain it's correct, but I can't say it's definitively wrong, either. I don't know. I think it might be, but personally, I'd just drop the apostrophe+s to "father." As is, it sticks out and bogs down the reading flow because it breaks the barrier between the spoken and written words. I know this narrator is "speaking" the prologue, and would probably say that in real life, but on the page, it's assumed that the father is possessive, and seems kind of redundant to have that apostrophe s.
(This is the only really big knitpick I have with the piece.)

Even smaller knitpick: drop two or three of the periods at the end to make it an ellipses and a period (or just ellipses). I know this is really minor, but when you read across it, the periods lined up like that make it seem to trail on. And on. And on. It feels like you lost your train of thought, instead of transitioning to the story itself.

But enough about the minor mechanics.

I must congratulate you on the writing itself. The fact that I could only get minor flakes of dirt on the piece says a lot about how well you can write. The narrator's voice felt fluid and realistic, as if they were speaking the history to us. The formatting on the paragraphs was nice, and it didn't feel like an info dump. It didn't really give us much as to where the piece was going, but for someone unfamiliar with Egyptian history, it laid a solid foundation. Good job.

Hope this helps!

Thanks for the tips, it really helps!! Hopefully I'll have more of the story out soon!!



"Storybooks and roleplays are just for fun!" To which I say: of course! But why only "just"? Sometimes fun is found in the full-send. Sometimes fun is found in taking it seriously, and aiming to do it with excellence!
— soundofmind