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Hatshepsut: The Forgotten Pharaoh ( Chapter 2)

by CarolineB17

Published May 31, 2014

E - Everyone

In Poetry

Chapter 2: Rekindled

When I awoke from my state of lifelessness, my head was throbbing and everything seemed blurred.

"Are you all right my queen?," a calming voice asked me.

"I think so. What happened to me?," I said as I slowly began to sit up.

"No, no," the voice said sternly," You need to save your strength. You took quite a tumble out there in the currents."

Then, taking the man's advice, I began to ease my way back down cautiously. Every fiber in my body screamed with pain. I winced, "OW!," I yelped.

"Shhh," the mysterious man's voice came again, "Don't move, it will only cause you more pain."

I then started to open my eyes. At first, everything was blurry, but I could make out the warm glow of a fire. Next, I saw that my mysterious hero was quite tall and seemed well built. As he came closer I became frightened by his size.

"Thank you," I whispered feebly, " In return for saving my life, I will grant you anything that your heart desires."

"You are quite welcome," the man replied," but with all do respect, I do not need anything in return for saving your life. It was an honor and a privilege to have been of such service to you, but thank you for the offer."

I was appalled by the strangers response. Never in my life had someone done something for me and not expected anything in return, this stranger indeed proved to be a man of great honor and integrity. I was thoroughly impressed, as well as intrigued as to the identity of my vigilante.

"What is your name?," I asked.

"All that you need to know is that I am a trustworthy man of a simple lifestyle, no more, no less, and that I will always be a loyal subject."

"As you wish," I responded," Then perhaps you would allow me the honor of seeing the face of the man who saved my life."

"Once again, my queen, I will have to deny your request. For I am not worthy of such honor, if you so wish to repay my debt, then allow me to keep my identity concealed."

"If you so wish to keep your identity secret then it shall be done."

"Thank you, my queen!," he said gratefully.

The hours flew as we talked of many things, and soon became good friends. When at last, the first rays of sunlight began to paint the skies in a brilliant rainbow of color, he turned to me and asked if I was able to walk. I, still feeling a bit light-headed, said I could not, and without a moments notice, he scooped me up into his arms.

"Ooo," I said laughingly.

"Is this alright?," he asked politely.

"Of course, I was just a little surprised!"

Even though he was wearing a turbine (so that only his eyes were visible), I could still tell he was smiling.

How warm and strong he was, I felt so safe in his arms. Just to think, I, a woman of such noble blood, in the arms of a mere commoner, and enjoying it! The thought made me smile.

It wasn't long until we reached the palace. Upon arrival, he laid me down on the steps as gently as possible, " I will always be around if you ever need saving again," he said with a wink.

However, before I even had the chance to say goodbye, he disappeared into the morning mist. I was sad to see him go, but I knew in my heart that even if he had stayed, I could never get to know him the way I wanted to. I, being the queen, and him being a peasant, it just wasn't meant to be.

So, I got up, and walked up the palace steps, as if nothing at all had happened in the slitghtest.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Aravis10
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Aravis10 wrote a review Review · Jun 5, 2014

Hi! I'm Aravis! (As it says above this) I'm excited to review this for you.
I am also writing a historical fiction novel set in ancient Egypt so this really struck home with me! I like how you added a picture at the beginning of your story. And I also liked the element of mystery with the stranger, but he can't be obtained because of class. That sounds so much like Egypt.
This chapter seemed pretty short to be well, a chapter. I wish there was more imagery! I want to be able to see everything! Ok, maybe not everything, but more than there was. Also, avoid using the word "then". I struggle with that too. It just seems to fit! But it is easier to read the story without it in most cases. Lastly, one sentence that seemed to be written awkwardly. "I, still feeling a bit light-headed, said I could not, and without a moments notice..." I would change it to: "Still feeling a bit light-headed, I said I could not..."
This was very interesting! I look forward to reading more!

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Rapunzel321
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Rapunzel321 commented Comment · May 31, 2014

I keep forgetting to mention that I really like the fact that you add a picture or two to your work. It really brings the story out more. :)

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Rapunzel321
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Rapunzel321 wrote a review Review · May 31, 2014

WOW!!!!!!! I didn't expect that at all. This mysterious stranger really peaks my interest. It makes me wonder how he knew she was there, how he got her out of the water, what was he doing by the river? I really like the fact that you used interesting vocabulary. The more higher level vocabulary, the more I was sucked into the plot of it all. This really puts a twist on the story that I was told about this pharaoh and I like the change. It was really creative of you to use something that many learn about in school and make it your own. I'm really looking forward to Chapter 3. <3



fun fact i hear my evil twin once wrote a story about a hacker who used the name fyshi33k bc there are 33k-ish species of fish and she liked phishing so fyshi-33k made sense but then she got super embarrassed when someone forced her to explain
— VyperShadow