My life spirals around a certain story
Where loneliness hinders every form of light
Hopelessly drowning in a world out of existence
Every shadow of my existence slowly leaving my physical form
Wounds become sore and sore
Eyes no different from a waterfall
Time evolves from seconds to milliseconds
My soul slowly succumbing to the call of darkness
The pain my heart holds, I can no longer concede
So hear me now dear doomsday!
You may have come with greater power
But my will is strong full of power
And with every tear drop, I'll win you over
That lost flame I swear to rekindle.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello Carlymillie! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
My life spirals around a certain story
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
Spoiler
Where loneliness hinders every form of light
Hopelessly drowning in a world out of existence
Every shadow of my existence slowly leaving my physical form{.}
{Add a "--" here to separate stanzas}
Wounds become sore{r} and sore{r}
Eyes no different from a waterfall
Time evolves from seconds to milliseconds
My soul slowly succumbing to the call of darkness{.}
{--}
The pain my heart holds, I can no longer concede
So hear me now dear doomsday!
You may have come with greater power
But my will is strong full of power {Don't use the word "power" over and over. It makes it redundant}
And with every tear drop, I'll win you over
That lost flame I swear to rekindle. {I would actually name the poem "rekindle" instead of "2015"}
My interpretation:
Well, you already explained it in your summary, so I don't think I can interpret it haha
Overall:
Oof. The metaphors in this poem are powerful. It's also very dark too, like something I would write, which I applaud you for. Great job and keep up the great work
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara
Hey, there! I saw you wanted someone to review this, so I figured I'd give it a shot, even though I know next to nothing about poetry, lol. I liked it. I thought it was plenty easy to understand, but not so easy that you didn't have to think about it or anything. The only thing I really know to mention that may or may not be something you want to change is the punctuation. I know it's fine not to have punctuation in poetry, but I thought it was odd that you didn't have it on any of the lines, except one and then the end. Which, if it was just the ending id understand, but it felt out of place that another line in the poem had punctuation and the rest didn't. But then again, what do I know. Just as someone who knows nothing about poetry, I thought it was odd, but maybe for people who do know more about poetry, it works.
But yeah, that was really the only thing I thought to mention. I thought it was great. Keep it up, and if you need anything else--help, just want to talk, want me to review something, etc, etc--just let me know!