If Hkmar likes this one more time, I'm throwing a riot.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
i feel like this is my infamous piece all over again, but not even for a good cause xD
i'm just out here vibin slash riotin
i had a strong urge to add onto the likes so my day is good c:
thank u for ur service
Honestly this is literary gold
thank u it's my life's work
a masterpiece
thanks it's very abstract
hehe
laughs nervously
no
yes
no x 2
agreed
2011 WHAT
I've read some stuff from 2006 on this site. The writers are like 35 now, xd
that's a typo it's actually 2021 im not that old haha ha ...... ha
mhm definitely doesn%u2019t say you joined 2 days before it was published
sweats nervously
hehe
HKUMAR WHY
To wake you up with a SMILE
mission accomplished NOW UNDO
Sometime in the future I will unlike it and then re-like it so that it appears in the people's tab and become famous again. (that's what I did with your other work >.>)
a masterpiece
LIB WHY
OK OK LET'S PRETEND I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING
(your short stories are actually really good tho)
(ps: i super like the Dementis one :'))
tfw this was posted 10 years ago LOOOOL
OH
Hi Carina! I thought I would do a review from to one of the members in our awesome team. And I found your story and it looked like it was to be a decent read, so here I am!
If you have any questions about this review, please don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.
Oh my god. I have to admit that I did cry a bit. This is heartbreaking but even more so that it's dedicated to a classmate of yours. It's a true story which makes it all the sadder. Points for the heart-wrenching story.
I think, especially since it's based of truth, you could go another mile to really achieve success with this. Right now, it's good, but it's not GREAT. Personally, I would have appreciated a lot more details and descriptions and perhaps moved around some paragraphs so the story ran more fluidly. Nevertheless, I don't want to pick too much because I do realize this is a sad and tender topic for you at the moment and I want to keep most of it in its original style and writing since it's more genuine that way. And they are your emotions, in a prose-ish kind of way.
I would have definitely preferred a little more from Hana's repeated visits to May 22nd (sidenote: it might be more literary to spell out 22nd like twenty-second). What I mean by this is maybe, before introducing the last moment, incorporate maybe the first time she returns to the twenty-second. What are her emotions then? Is she confused? Is she heavily grieving Mallory's sudden and undeserved death? It's only a suggestion however.
Additionally, I yet again agree with MorningMist about the Brittney thing. If she's not crucial or at least a sort-of helpful character to the plot, you might as well take her out since she's nothing than a prop otherwise. It's redundant and I don't see how she contributes to the story or aids with its comprehension.
Overall, it was terribly wonderful story. I'm glad I reviewed this!
Yours and thinking,
Lavvie
Hey Carina,
Wow. This was heart-breaking -- especially once you'd explained where the idea had come from. As you said, may they all rest in peace.
I'm going to try and review this piece, though, to point out a few things I liked about it and a few things I thought could be better.
Firstly, I love the concept of the piece. Wishing to save a friend, but failing time after time -- reliving the same day, losing minutes every time it reoccured. When it got to the part about the church, I did begin to get a little confused -- I thought for a few surreal moments that she was a vampire, or something like that. I'm glad she wasn't -- it wouldn't have fit in with the story at all. And despite getting a little confused towards the end, by the end I understood the story almost perfectly and was quite satisfied after having finished reading it.
I'm not sure how I like the changes between tenses in some parts, though. Most of it is in past tense, but a few small parts you've written in present tense. There's nothing necessarily wrong with this, but as a reader it just didn't feel quite right to me. Perhaps you should try copy and pasting it, editing it to all be completely in the past tense and then deciding which version is better?
Another point I have is that I'm not completely sure where Brittney comes into all of this. At first, my thoughts were that she would be a crucial part of the story -- but it turned out that she was more of a prop, and not really of any importance. In all honesty, I think that the story could do without her -- or that you could at least try and involve her a little more.
There's something just ... wrong about this paragraph. For one thing, when I first started reading it and wasn't yet familiar with the story, it really confused me. It makes more sense now, yet in another way it still doesn't make sense. In this paragraph you make it sound almost as if Hanna enjoyed waking up over and over again on May 22nd -- which doesn't work with the story. I think that part could do with reworking. It feels to me, as a reader, that Hanna would be almost horrified at this point at having to repeatedly wake up on the same day -- scared, alone, and uncertain.
Other than that -- I love the story. I think it's wonderful that you wrote something and dedicated it to the girl who lost her life and her family. It's a sad and poignant story, and a great way to make those who never even knew her love and remember her.
Thinking of your classmate,
~MorningMist~